Random thoughts in June.

June 22, 2023

12:53 pm

Staring at the blank page and trying to formulate my thoughts.

What do I want to write about today? Family, relationships, depression, anxiety, or one of the myriad of things that goes through my mind every day.

I am not sure at this moment and so I just start typing to see what ends up on the page.

I had a very good past week, spending five days with my kids on the other side of the country by the coast. It was full of beautiful landscapes and the Pacific Ocean.

It was inspirational and my heart felt a yearning to stay there but not just yet. I plan to move there but it will be a while before that happens. I have to finish school and find at least part-time work to add to my income. Then I have to save up for the move itself.

I miss my kids terribly when it is time to leave. A part of me just wants to take care of them but knowing that they are doing well and doing what they want to do.

My youngest daughter had her commencement from college. She completed a bachelor’s degree in science. She is a very talented and gifted person. Smart, strong, and capable. I love her so very much.

My oldest child also turned 30 years old. That is hard for me to believe. My whole life changed 30 years ago when this wonderful being came into my life and I became a mom. I love all my kids and just want them to be happy in whatever they do in life. It is all a parent can ask for.

The only part of the trip that was anxiety-producing for me was the cost associated with the visit. The kids took care of the flights and our food for the stay. Unfortunately, my youngest son lost his job two weeks before the trip and everything had already been planned. We did not have the expected cash for extras and we both felt guilty about it. We did not want to rely on the other siblings for anything.

Another unexpected circumstance happened as well. I have a fixed income but was behind on my car payment. Despite making a monthly payment of almost $500, and continually talking with the finance company weekly to try and find a solution, it was perpetually in the negative.

I still do not understand how it stayed in a negative balance with the monthly payment and a few extra payments. The car was repossessed four days before we left. The finance company wanted the loan in full or three times the past due balance.

That was an unreasonable request by them, knowing I am on a fixed income, I have no savings, and I had been paying for the car for almost 3 years. All of that information was supposedly noted on my account in our weekly calls, but it did not matter. At least the repo man was kind and let me get my stuff out of the car, most will not.

The extra money I had been saving for the trip, instead, went towards getting another vehicle but even then, it wasn’t much, just a couple of hundred dollars. My youngest daughter helped me get the insurance for the car. It was stressful before we even left.

That is my life at the moment, a constant financial struggle not in the basic needs but in the wants of life. I would love to just be able to go buy some new clothes or shoes maybe get a manicure, pedicure, facial, or take a trip that I paid for, but that is still too much at the moment.

I have found pleasure instead through my own creativity and buying something as simple as a new strand of beads or paintbrushes but only if it is on sale and under my budgeted amount. I visit the dollar stores a lot despite the somewhat inferior products. Sometimes, I find something interesting and it helps me not feel guilty about spending a few bucks.

As long as all my bills and rent are paid, we have food in the pantry, gas in the car, household items, and the pets are taken care of. I sometimes have a little extra leftover just for myself.

Even though it is a struggle, I still find peace in everyday life. I am not in a deep depression or having high anxiety moments like before. I am still hopeful that life will continue moving on a positive path.

This is why I am in school so that I can find at least a part-time job after completing everything, something that will add to my fixed income. A job that will aid me in getting out of debt not only to my creditors but to my kids as well.

A parent should never feel guilty about their kids helping them but for me, it is about my ego and pride. I never relied on anyone else to help me before and I do not feel comfortable with it.

It is stressful for me, and my thoughts believe that I am being judged for it. I know that is unreasonable but past experiences with family, friends and relationships have taught me better.

That is my focus at the moment, finishing school and figuring out what I want to do with this newly acquired knowledge. I sometimes still have this desire to work in a government agency but know that with those positions come a lot of stress and political games. I retired from the military for a reason, I did not want to play the game just to get ahead and I stopped caring about it. I was also under great stress in my marriage at that time. In the end, I retired from both.

Now, almost ten years later, I am at another crossroads, what direction do I take? Find a job with a company and start working that 9 to 5 grind again, find remote work, or do temporary contract labor jobs? Taking the knowledge and starting my own company doing contract work for tribal entities seemed like the next logical step but they too have their political games, and nothing ever seems to get accomplished.

Instead of focusing on the potential issues of working again, I try to stay focused on the outcomes that I want. I want to move to a new place. I want to continue and start a business. I want to pay off my debts and put away money for my permanent retirement in 8 years, I just need to survive until then.

In all of this, the one thing that sometimes comes to mind is, will I be alone during all of it? I used to think about it a lot, especially in the years after the divorce was finalized. I did not want to be alone. I had lived with someone for 17 years and it was a hard habit to break.

Now, after spending the last seven years unattached to someone, it does not bother me that much. I can either be with someone or not, either way, it will not deter me from accomplishing what I want.

The days of putting someone else’s dreams before mine have long passed and the only exception being my children. If they need me, I will always be there for them.

If this online relationship works out, great. If not, then that is okay too. I am not going to worry about it so much anymore and have not in quite a while. I know this but I do not believe he has realized it yet. We do not talk about anything important anymore or any plans for the future. It is just kind of there.

The most contact we have had recently was when I went on my trip to visit my kids. I assume he thought I was going to meet someone and that is why he texted so much. Unfortunately, the cell phone service signal was not that great on the coast or in the mountains. It was a hit-and-miss in our chats and it went back to the way it was before once I returned home. Oh well, that is life sometimes. We keep moving.

Today, I am focused on getting some beadwork accomplished, finishing up this writing, and maybe watching a movie later. We do not have much cash left to go anywhere or do anything. It would not matter anyway if we did, our city had a major storm move through when we were gone and not many places are open at the moment.

The city was hit with a line of storms that produced 100 mph winds and spawned tornadoes after it passed by. There were downed trees and power lines all over the city. Parts of the city are still without power. When we arrived back on Monday there were still 128,000 people without electricity, it was initially over 250,000, but we were lucky, and our apartment only had a few minor issues. The apartment issues were fixed yesterday and today the number without power citywide is down to 58,000.

I spoke with my mother and her area of the city will be without power until Sunday. She is staying with her other daughter until then. I am grateful that everyone is okay and that no one was hurt.

The storms also caused cancellations of some of my therapy groups, doctor’s appointments, and online classes this week.

As I sit here at my kitchen table, watching kids play outside on the playground, I realize that I am in a good spot. I struggled for so long to get to this point, and I do not take it for granted.

I appreciate it and I am grateful for the life that I live.

I am thankful for my family and the relationship albeit a one-sided one.

I am grateful for my home, my health, and my creativity.

I am grateful for the experiences I have had, the places I have been, the knowledge I have gained, and the people that I have met.

All I can do every day is to be positive in my thoughts and purposeful in my actions.

It is all that any of us can do, stay positive, focused, and keep moving forward.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a fabulous week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne