July 21, 2023
7:47 am
I know, I am not perfect. I am flawed. My thoughts get the better of me. I have worked hard to contain the worst thoughts and try to not be so emotional. I still overthink things.
In the midst of these thoughts there is always that one that comes up, “Is today the day that he leaves me?”
I know it’s irrational and he is tired of me saying it but my heart and mind has not forgotten the way it felt when you walked away from me before, when you left me, I didn’t leave you. I continued trying to talk to you, trying to hold onto that hope.
My mind still has those memories and to find out later, after you came back to me, that you went off to have a relationship with someone else immediately afterwards. A person you shared your life with and I never got the chance. It comes up in my mind and I still feel the hurt.
I don’t want to keep replaying that in my mind but it is hard. I rationalize through it but it’s still there. I sit here taking in deep breaths to center and calm my thoughts, sometimes it works but sometimes it doesn’t. I find things to keep me focused or distracted but sometimes my mind wanders more. I just have to sit in these moments and let it wash over me, to feel the feelings.
Like this rainy morning. To feel the feelings and let them just be. To not try and reconcile them. To not try and understand them. To just let them exist in this temporary moment. To let them flow through my soul and move on out into the universe. To allow them to exist. To allow the wave to peak then fall. To allow the tears to fall. It is the only true way to heal. It is the only way to keep moving forward.
Yet, knowing this is temporary, does not make the pain any less. It still feels like the first time. The first time my heart was broken. My heart still remembers and still carries the scars.
Is this what love is supposed to feel like? Also the reason why sometimes I think it is just better to be alone.
Human beings are mad to want this but is it worth it?
It is true, the heart wants what it wants.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a good day.
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 