Life decisions and ACT – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
July 25, 2023
1:01 pm
This past week I completed a therapy group I was in. It was a thirteen week course from March until July. It was called ACT Therapy or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
In this group, we discussed being in the present moment, practicing mindfulness, accepting things as they were and remembering our own values.
It was a very eye-opening and mind opening experience.
I realized through the stories of others in the group that we as women go through some of the same things of how we are expected to behave. We have this unwritten rules about us. Those expectations are not the same that are placed on men in society. They have their own rules they struggle with as well.
The first thing we had to realize was that some of the thoughts we have about ourselves through our life experiences is just that, thoughts. These are only given power over us through the value we place on them. We make them a reality. How we react or choose to react is on us. That was an enormously powerful moment of realization for me.
Since that realization, the negative self-talk and thoughts have started to quiet. I use the skills and teachings from previous therapy groups to combat the thoughts and either validate or invalidate them. I have learned how to reason through them. Does it always work? No, sometimes I have to just sit in the negative thoughts and feel the feelings. I wrote about this in a previous article.
I know that the trauma that I endured in my life has wired my brain to react in a defensive mode and sometimes it is overwhelming, the reason for anxiety and depression. I have lived with this for well over 40 years so it’s going to take a while to unlearn these behaviors. I am still a work in progress.
Through this group it helped me decide about the people in my life, my mother and her family. I finally was able to walk away from their toxic behavior towards me, well she decided that I was the issue (insert eye roll here). Either way, it is for the best because they did not fit into my values and beliefs.
I value family, honesty, integrity, and trust. These are my biggest ones and they never fit into any of them. It is the reason for the chaos with them. It was time to finally let it go and move on.
This brings me to today, the ongoing online relationship.
This has been an important part of my progress because I wanted to believe in it so badly that I overlooked a lot things that were wrong with it. Honesty, integrity, and trust.
I understood what he was going through but also realized that this part of his truth and life was one sided. I only had his perspective to go by and not the person he is involved with in real life. I became the one thing that I said I would not do again, a side person.
I was a side person many years ago while I was going through my divorce and it broke my heart. That person had been my friend for over 12 years and I was discarded like I was nothing one morning, no explanations.
The person I have been talking to online, I have known on and off for more than 3 years now. He has never been open about who he truly is or shared anything about his actual life with me just the made up parts. That integrity and honesty part has not been there. It was weighing heavily on my mind the last few months.
These thoughts about him would cause these high anxiety filled moments and it made me feel out of control. I was beginning to no longer feel sure about myself and was slipping back into that self-doubt.
I woke this morning, expecting to see messages from him but instead I saw posts from his other account. Out there living his best life and it made me feel sad, then angry. In our conversations he talked about how bad he feels and how terrible his life is. The honesty has never been there and I kept overlooking it in the hopes that he would actually choose me. I finally saw that it was not going to happen.
I sat there this morning and asked myself two questions, “What does your heart say?” and “What does your mind know?.” My heart hurts that I no longer love him but still wishes him the best in life. My mind knows he was not truthful and never will be, it is time to let go.
I unfollowed him and blocked him on everything. No more heated discussions, explanations, or faked hurt feelings to sort through, just a clean break.
I walked away.
As I sit here, thinking it through, there is no anxiety or panic feeling this time, actually there are no feelings. I know it was the right thing to do.
I do know that is the last attempt at a relationship and knew this several years ago when we talked before.
The universe answered my questions about future relationships and I was given those opportunities, chances and experiences but it is just not for me.
I realized that expecting people to be driven, purposeful, and honest, but it rarely happens when I meet people, is okay. I still have the same respect and kindness towards them, relationship, friendship, or not. That I can live with.
I am no longer afraid of being alone and have actually enjoyed the solitude of not interacting with someone on a daily basis in real life. I still get to do the things that I want to do and dream the dreams that I have.
It will be okay. I will be okay.
I just have to keep moving on, doing what I need to do, and keep walking in my truth.
Thank you so much for stopping by and supporting this blog.
Have a wonderful week!
Remember to be purposeful in your actions today!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
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