Survival mode: necessary or necessity.

08/16/2023

1:40 pm

It has been a couple of weeks since I last wrote anything.

Life happens and things get momentarily pushed aside.

In my life right now there are financial issues and just waiting for things to be paid or happen. I would like to say “Oh, this is just a one-time thing”. I know better and this has not been the first time.

My life has had more than its share of struggles and most are related to finances. This is the reason I am in school to obtain new skills and find part-time employment. The VA disability that I am on is just not enough to meet all my needs when an emergency or unexpected expense happens. I do not have a savings or emergency fund built yet. I also do not like having to ask my kids for help with anything. I do not want them to think of me as a burden.

That is life though. We face the obstacles, come up with a plan, charge forward, and keep moving.

Yet, despite knowing this, it does become somewhat overwhelming having to make decisions like “Do I pay the electric bill and have little left over for food?” or “Do I split the money between the bill and household needs and end up paying a late fee then it builds up?”.

The only thing that has kept me moving forward is my hope, faith, and belief that if you ask the universe questions or for guidance, it will answer. It may not solve everything but it is a start. The rest is up to you.

So, in the interim of waiting for the assistance that I have applied for and the extra funds that we know are coming in, I have had to rely on the things I remember from growing up in rural Oklahoma.

Necessary –“required to be done, achieved, or present; needed; essential.”

Necessity – “the fact of being required or indispensable.”

I grew up in a household with my grandparents where we did not have a lot of money. I lived with them until I was nine years old and stayed with them every summer until I was fifteen. They lived on social security and received government commodities through our tribe. The only saving grace was that it was their land and the home they built. They also earned funds by leasing their land to cattle ranchers on occasion. They taught me the difference between necessary and necessity but also that you have to decide which is more important.

It was not until I got older that I realized that they would have been considered poor or at the poverty level. When I was just a kid living there, I was happy, fed, safe, and loved. Not having “things” did not seem important. I did not grow up with a lot of toys, clothes, shoes, or the things most kids want or need but I was happy still the same. I got to play outdoors from sun up to sundown. I had cousins to play with, went to school, and I had freedom. It was a much simpler way of learning and living. It was a much happier time for me.

Time kept moving, I kept growing, and by the time I was thirty years old both my grandparents were gone. I miss them dearly and will always remember the things they taught me. It is those bits of wisdom that have helped me through my most difficult times.

In the last few weeks, financially struggling means not having a lot of money for basics like food. I have gone to the local food pantries a couple of times and have tried to stretch the food that I have. This means becoming very creative with what I have and making something that is palatable. I am so thankful that I always keep a lot of herbs and spices on my counter.

This also means remembering the basics my grandmother always told me to keep in the household.

She always had dried beans, flour, baking powder, sugar, salt, pepper, cooking oil, powdered or canned milk, whole or powdered eggs, potatoes or potato flakes, canned vegetables, canned tomatoes or tomato sauce, dried fruit, rice, and pasta.

There are a variety of basic meals that can be created with these items whether it is bread, soups, casseroles, main entrees, or even some desserts if you have canned or dried fruit.

That is the one thing that I noticed at the food pantries, they do not provide basic pantry staples which would be much more useful and would stretch more.

The most I have ever seen or received was dried beans, pasta, canned vegetables, potatoes, and sometimes milk.

I tend to see a lot of processed or frozen foods, deli sandwiches, frozen meat, pastries, or sweets. These are mostly things that local grocery stores have to discard by a certain date so they give them to the food pantries.

It would be good if they offered fresh vegetables, fresh fruit, fish, meat alternatives, and gluten-free food which occasionally shows up but not very often. I just have to make do with what I get.

I have been experimenting with savory pancakes. In one video I watched about making savory pancakes, someone called them “fritters”. The fritters I know from growing up were made with meat or vegetables, rolled into a dough, and either pan or deep-fried in oil. I do not believe what I have been making falls into that category, they are more like pancakes or crepes. This is due to the batter consistency and they are cooked in a non-stick skillet with no oil.

I have tried it with lentils, white beans, and red kidney beans so far. The next ones I will be attempting will be made with cooked chickpeas and tahini. I have paired them with scrambled eggs and spinach.

The biggest issue has been getting the consistency just right where it will hold its shape and cooks all the way through.

With too much liquid and not enough flour, it just came out mushy and did not cook well. Then not enough water and too much flour made it too thick, it burned then stuck to the pan, and was still uncooked on the inside. This has been a learning experience.

I found out that lentils, soaked overnight, then blended into the flour mixture becomes this very gritty texture that was too “earthy or green” tasting. The cooked lentils were much better.

I have also learned that yes, you can have too much garlic or salt. I had to toss a whole batch because the taste was too much and too strong. I even added more citrus to cut the salt but just made it worse.

I can live on very basic foods such as the list of items above but it does put me into the mindset of “survival” mode which has made the anxiety go up somewhat. I am in a new music therapy class which has helped tremendously. I just have to keep moving, I know it will get better and this moment in time is just that, a moment.

I also know that I have survived worse.

I remember the first time I had separated from my husband for almost a year. I lost almost sixty pounds of weight. I was surviving off a frozen lasagna that I portioned out into ten servings to last me two weeks and packaged ramen noodles. It was the only meal that I had every day.

At the time my ex-husband was refusing to pay his part of the weekly daycare and everything I earned was going to that, rent, utilities, and gas for the vehicle. I saved what I could from my paychecks to only buy groceries when I had my kids. I have not eaten a frozen lasagna since and very rarely have I eaten ramen noodles.

After we reconciled that time, it was funny, because I found out he had been surviving on frozen chicken tenders, boxed macaroni and cheese, and ramen noodles as well. He had lost about the same amount of weight.

A great example of what happens when two stubborn people do not want to listen, communicate, and compromise. The kids were well fed and taken care of but we were standing our ground. He was the one who showed up on my doorstep one Friday morning and told me “I can’t do this anymore.” We made up, and I moved back in. It was really because of the effect the separation was having on our kids and our getting back together was for them.

All of these thoughts and experiences are just reminders that I can survive. It may not be ideal and yes, I feel hungry sometimes late at night but I am fine. Taking a break from sugar, fast food, and overpriced coffee is not the end of the world. It is better for me health-wise and I have lost a few pounds already.

Life is not perfect. We struggle and we continue to thrive.

It is the mindset that carries us forward.

I have always had my hope, faith, and belief in the greater good or purpose in life.

That is what keeps me seeing the light in every dark moment.

Thank you for stopping by and supporting this blog.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne