Old habits can be broken.

9/3/2023

1:49 pm

I have not been sleeping well lately. That’s nothing new because of insomnia and depression.

Lately, though, it has been due to anxiety, stress, and worries about finances, bills, and just surviving month to month.

That too, is not new to my life and I know I will get through it.

The restless sleep is causing me to sleep longer than I normally do and it is becoming an interference to getting daily things accomplished.

The past week I have been sleeping for 12 hours or more but it is not a constant sleep. I wake up, go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, and fall back to sleep for a few more hours, finally waking up around noon after going to bed at midnight or 1 a.m.

Then there have been a few days of falling asleep around 8 p.m. and waking up at 9 or 10 the next morning. There have also been days of just random naps throughout the day. It is never the same.

This cycle is making me more emotional than usual. I get weepy over the slightest thing and feel like it is never-ending. It is bringing back memories of when I was married and I do not like that.

When we first got married everything was wonderful. I felt happy, loved, safe, and cared about. He seemed happy too. We would spend all hours of the night talking, laughing, and making plans for our future. I remember those times fondly. It is the only positive memory I have of the seventeen-year marriage. That period only lasted for five years then beginning in year six, everything changed.

I think that the reality that he was a father added to his thoughts and self-doubts. It had started setting in and he was not prepared for the responsibility.

I on the other hand had grown up with an idea and experience of what it took to raise more than one child. I came from a very large family where having more than three kids was the norm. My mother had the smallest family with three girls. There was always a baby or toddler to be taken care of.

I digress, this was to be about habits.

As a young mother and wife, I still had insomnia then and my sleep consisted of only getting about 6 hours a night. I was busy raising kids and managing our home and finances, all the while working on my own military career, college completion, and personal goals.

I would be the first one up in the morning, make coffee, and then stand outside on the porch drinking coffee while I watched the sunrise. I was still a smoker back then and would burn off a couple before going back inside to get everyone up for the day. That was my morning habit and it lasted for years until I finally quit smoking in 2007. Then I was just standing outside with a cup of coffee watching the sunrise.

Now that the kids are all grown up and out on their own plus my marriage ended over eight years ago, I have fallen into different morning habits.

I now wake up and the first thing I do besides drinking water is to grab my phone.

I check my emails, texts, blog, and bank account, and then scroll through social media. This is not a good habit because then I will just sit in bed for almost an hour, sometimes more before I finally get up.

I had previously been working on developing a morning routine that consisted of getting up, drinking water, fixing my bed, getting dressed, and then doing morning stretches, affirmations, and meditation. I was so much more productive and in the right head space. Then that started falling off as a morning routine a few months ago. I am struggling to try and start again.

This current unproductive routine in the morning plus the oversleeping is making the anxiety go up causing the weepiness and overly emotional feelings lately.

This morning, I kept waking up and falling back to sleep. I am pretty sure somewhere in there I looked at my phone. I remember text messages from my online person. I did not respond because of the grogginess and fell back to sleep. Then I finally woke up at around 12:30 p.m.

After I finally woke up, I picked my phone up as usual and immediately got a message from him asking why I was ignoring him. I wasn’t ignoring him because I just woke up. I guess he was waiting for me to come online.

I had just fully read through his messages when he texted. He seemed irritated by me which in turn made me irritated with him. I explained myself, which I did not need to, but he never responded. My mood became elevated and I did not like it.

In that brief moment, it brought back feelings and memories of my ex-husband. The times when I would wake up all happy, talkative, and cheerful only to be told to “Shut up!” or he would push me away. I would immediately stop talking and go into the bathroom and cry as I washed my face. I hated those mornings. He never apologized and would just ignore me and then go to work. I lived that way for years.

I would cry before I slept every night and cry after waking up. It was emotional abuse and I was stuck in a cycle with him until I finally broke free of it. I had to wait until my kids were old enough and I had retired from the military before I could escape it. I survived twelve years of his abuse.

After I put my phone down this morning, got out of bed, and was standing there in my closet getting dressed that feeling of weepiness and those thoughts of my ex-husband were still there. I just stood there unsuccessfully fighting back the tears. I hated it. I hate when those thoughts come up and I feel vulnerable.

I will not be treated that way again. I know who I am and what my worth is. If others do not see or value it then you are not needed in my life. It is plain and simple. I would much rather be alone than to go through that again.

As I sit here writing this, plans are formulating in my thoughts. Plans to change my morning habits and go back to the positive ones.

Going back to my previous routine also means forcing a change in my sleep habits and going back to the six hours. Getting too much sleep is not helping me emotionally, mentally, or physically.

This means turning the phone off before I go to bed and placing it farther away instead of next to my pillow.

A new plan to set alarms for waking up and reminders to go to bed.

To plan my day and stick with a schedule again to accomplish what I need to do.

I plan to go back to no television during the week again and only on the weekends so I can do more reading, writing, and creating. The overstimulation of randomness from binge-watching series, movies, and reality television is muddying my thoughts and making me lazy.

It is the first week of September which means the seasonal depression is beginning and probably the reason for the oversleeping. I know this but keep forgetting that it still affects me until spring. Time to get out the happy light and ensure I am continuing to take the vitamin D supplements.

Habits. They can be good and helpful but they also can just add to one’s misery if we are not careful.

I miss the things that I used to do in the mornings. I miss waking up feeling happy. It has not been that way for a while. I have been waking up feeling alone and tired mostly. I have let the stressors of life affect my demeanor and changed my positive thinking. That is a habit that I do need to break.

I know from life experience that things are just things. The importance of them is only from the value we place on them. We determine what makes us happy and how we feel.

I choose to be happy, creative, kind, caring, and purposeful.

I choose to remember who I am, where I came from, how hard I fought to get here, and that I accomplished everything that I set my mind to. I did that without anyone else to support me in the process. I learned what I needed to know, then set and accomplished my goals.

I remember that the universe heard my thoughts, questions, and prayers, and answered by removing the people who were not adding any value to my life. I have been helped and guided through everything.

I know that I am stronger than before and that this is just a moment.

That old habits can be broken.

That the good habits of gratuity, mindfulness, positivity, and affirmations can bring peace, as well as heal a damaged soul.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a great week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne