October 17th, 1997.
10/17/2023
12:21 pm
Woke up well before my alarm this morning.
My day did not start out as I would have liked. I was still sleepy but forced myself to get up, get dressed, wake up my son, and fix the bed.
It was a brisk morning and less than 50 degrees today. A good morning to wear a hoodie and pull up my hair.
I decided to stop at a local fast food place to grab a breakfast burrito and orange juice after dropping my son off at his campus.
Everything seemed okay but there was that splintered thought at the back of my mind.
I came home and ate my breakfast while listening to music and scrolling through my phone.
There was still something bothering me, I assumed it was sleepiness, so I laid down on the couch to nap.
I slept for about 30 minutes, woke up, and checked my phone again. That is becoming a bad habit.
I went upstairs and took a shower to wake myself up. The nagging thought “I’m forgetting something” was still there.
After I showered and then blow-dried my hair, I took a couple of new selfies for my profile pics. I was looking at the pics and something seemed off, there was a look of sadness in my eyes. I thought maybe it was what I was wearing, I changed a few things and took some more.
I thought maybe I forgot an appointment this morning and checked my calendar and reminders but there was nothing today. I began thinking maybe it was just the seasonal depression kicking in.
I went to pick up my son for his lunch break and we got into a slight argument on the way to the convenience store. He was having some high-anxiety moments of his own. We sat in silence in the campus parking lot while he ate and then he got out to return to class. He said, “I love you”. I told him that I loved him too.
I was driving back home and that is when I realized, it was October 17th. Today would have been my 26th wedding anniversary. All I could think about, after that realization, was that it was half of my current age. If I had stayed married and he was still alive, I would have been married for half of my life today. Such a weird thought to have and I realized that is why I was feeling down.
There was some slight sadness knowing that my life took such a drastic turn 8 years ago when we got divorced. I then remembered why, and the sadness began to fade. I made that decision for self-preservation. That relationship was no longer about love or happiness, it just existed.
He had already moved on prior to the decision and was making plans to be with someone else. This I found out after he passed away. The woman he was planning to be with passed away a month before the one-year anniversary of the divorce. I sometimes think that is why he gave up trying when he got sick. Maybe he truly loved her. I do not know.
Whenever these thoughts come up about the divorce it automatically goes into my whole relationship history, a replay of every person I had been involved with and how it ended. There is always that self-deprecating thought “They never loved me” or that “I was not good enough”.
In my reasoning, if they had cared about me then they would have stayed. Then that little voice of truth pops into my mind “They were never meant to be a permanent part of your life” and “You were always going in a different direction; they knew that, and they made their choice”.
I have always been that take-it-or-leave-it kind of person. I have also been very upfront and rather blunt about who I am, what I believe in, and the plans I have for my life. I lived through so much trauma and hurt that it is not easy to completely trust others, no matter how much I love them. There is that small part of myself that is always on guard and ready to leave if it is not going well.
That distrust overshadows other things that may just be fine. I know that seems irrational and I should take a chance, not run away, but it always seems to come down to me having to make a choice or change to please the other person. I got tired of compromising what I wanted for the sake of others.
The only exception is when it comes to my kids, I have made choices that affected a potential career path, but they mean more to me than what could have been.
After I sat and thought about how I was feeling, the sadness started dissipating. I am okay. I will always be okay. It has taken many years to realize that sometimes the universe is guiding us in the direction we need to go. How we react to things or situations is totally up to us.
Today is just another day.
I cannot continue to let the past dictate my present and future.
I need to learn how to find better ways to compromise with others.
I cannot keep comparing people to others who hurt me in the past. Every situation is not the same, it may be similar but the outcome is different. It is not fair to the person, and it only causes discord between us.
I can learn to trust others but can also rely on my instincts, they have never been wrong before.
As this day winds down and knowing the past cannot be changed, I continue to move forward.
Just another day.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a fabulous week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 