Traditions

Traditions

11/27/2023

12:40 pm

We set up our yearly Christmas tree.

During the process, there was talk back and forth about Christmas’s past and our family.

That conversation spilled over into today’s discussion as well.  It brought up some thoughts on my part.

I grew up in rural Oklahoma from birth to about the age of 9. When I lived with my grandparents they were living on social security and whatever they earned from leasing their land to ranchers, which was not much. Then when I moved in with my mother and her new family, even with two people working, they did not make a lot of income as far as I know, plus they had three kids.

Neither my mother nor her husband had an education beyond a high school diploma, but my mother did attempt college or trade school a few times. She is a very intelligent person and could have succeeded.  It never worked out mainly because her husband interfered with that progression.  She would always blame it on other things, but I knew that it was always him.

My mother’s side of the family did not do much during the holidays as far as I can remember.  I do remember receiving the brown paper sacks filled with candy, nuts, an orange, and an apple.  My kids still like getting those.

The only positive thing I remember the most growing up was related to her husband’s side of the family and the big family gatherings.  Christmas was always a big deal; it was a sort of mini-family reunion every year.  Most have passed on but those memories influenced me and my own family.

I learned how to bake pies, cakes, and cookies from these women.  I also learned how to make some of my family’s favorite dishes such as potato salad, macaroni salad, and enchiladas. They put a lot of love and care into making sure everyone got plenty to eat. 

I remember everyone eating, falling asleep, or napping, then waking up later to eat again. It was a two-day feast. 

They would also play games or have game nights during these dinners.

I remember one year being the only grandkid allowed to play flag football with the men because I could throw and run.

This is where I learned to play Monopoly and to never play against my Uncle Jay.  He was notorious for dominating the game and being the most boisterous if he lost, which was not often, but even more so when he won.  I came close when I was about 13 years old, and it was down to just me against him.  Everyone else had gone bankrupt.  I unfortunately landed on his Boardwalk with hotels. He got teased quite a bit by his cousins because I was still hanging on during that game. The table was surrounded by the whole family to watch.

Now, I and my children play Catan. It has become a part of our tradition the last few years and I am still learning how to strategize during that game.  It has been fun learning and just listening to my kids when we are together. Teasing one another and remembering when they were kids.

As we were putting up the tree, my son was asking about certain ornaments on the tree.

When I first got married, I had told my then-husband that I wanted to start some new traditions of my own. I started buying new ornaments every year in honor of my kids.  It was just two the first year and eventually became four. Over a 17-year marriage, the accumulation of various Christmas décor became substantial.

This also became the crux of the pettiness that occurred during our separation and divorce.  By then we had acquired two artificial Christmas trees.  A 6-foot and an 8-foot tree. There were 6 large tubs filled with ornaments and décor along with the yearly buying of 4 new ornaments. The first year of the separation, he refused to allow me to take one of the trees or even one tub of decorations.  He never even participated in the putting up of the tree.  It was out of spite.

That did not deter me though, I ended up buying a 7-foot Christmas tree and purchased all new ornaments and décor in the color he hated the most, red.  In the end though, after the divorce, and his passing, I ended up with everything.

Several moves later, all that remains are the cherished ones that were picked out for my kids, the ones they picked out themselves, and the ones we created together as a crafting project.  It is now down to two tubs and the silver aluminum tree my daughter purchased while in college. 

One fall weekend, I took all the tubs of ornaments and decor to my mother’s house and asked her if she wanted any of them. The rest were given to her church along with one of the trees. She was questioning everything and wanted to know where I got them from. I explained it was the accumulation from the seventeen-year marriage. She kept saying that she didn’t remember some of them as she looked through and picked out her favorites. I think she forgot there were some years when we were not in contact with one another and did not have holidays together as a big family.

The traditions we have built have been based on both good and bad times, but they never deter the small happiness they bring each year.

We were still doing the 4 new ornaments every year but then when the pandemic hit, we were all separated. I just kept putting up the same neon ornaments and colors for the last 3 years.  After being by myself that first year of the pandemic, it just seemed simpler and easier to do.  No muss, no fuss.

This year we decided to pull out the older ornaments and go with a different theme.

That is why the discussion about ornaments came about.

My youngest son does not recall much about the holidays from his younger days.  He was not born yet or was very little when his siblings and I made ornaments for the tree.  He did not realize that some of the ornaments were older than him.  It made it seem even more special.

It was sharing something new with him and it inspired him to want to make some ornaments or at least talk about making some.

In those years when we celebrated as a big family, mine and my mother’s, I did a lot of the hosting but it always turned into some sort of ordeal.  My then-husband would be irritated by my mother and sisters taking advantage.  I usually ended up spending quite a bit of time and money buying most of what we ate or drank as well as the presents for everyone.

Then when the festivities would end, I did the cleanup. They never stuck around. I did not mind because it was mainly for the grandkids.

One year, it was the last Turkey Day gathering we hosted due to finding out afterward that someone had pretty much taken all the leftovers. This included the ones I set aside for my family that were in our refrigerator.  I believe it stemmed from my mother’s husband commenting on the macaroni salad during the meal. He told my mother she should ask how I made it. It was his mother’s, our Grandma Patsy’s recipe, that I had learned from my mother. That did not go over well and made the rest of the time awkward for everyone. That was the year I started making double batches of whatever I cooked so we would have leftovers.

That year I was supposed to host the Christmas Eve gathering but we cancelled it two weeks before and told my mother she or one of my half-sisters would have to. That stemmed from the missing leftovers as well as everyone calling me to ask me to make a different pie for the Christmas dinner.  I had done that, during the Turkey Day dinner, making eight different pies, and everyone seemed to expect it to become a regular thing. My mother then had the nerve to ask me to make some additional pies to sell to her church friends. I told her no.

It did not go well and my mother purposely left out gifts for all of her sons-in-law at the Christmas Eve gathering. Thankfully, I had bought neutral items for the stockings for my mother and her daughters. I took them out of their stockings and put them in the brother-in-law’s and husband’s stockings instead. My half-sisters took the goody bags out of their parents’ stockings and split them up between the husbands. My mother was extremely pissed off and announced at the end of the evening that there would be no Christmas dinner the next day.

That was fine for me and my family, I had already prepared most of the food we were supposed to bring the next day, all I had to do was cook the turkey the next morning. My half-sisters went to their in-laws with the food they prepared.  It was the beginning of the last holidays we would spend together.

Over the next several years, the grandkids got older, and so did we.

I stopped hosting events and only focused on my family.  There was a three-year period where we did not talk to one another at all. Then my ex-husband passed away. I hosted one last family event. 

I look back at it now and realize the universe was telling me to stop trying with them.

Everything was set up at the house I was renting. Tables, decorations, etc.  I bought all the food to cook and that early morning I was trying to bake pies for that afternoon’s dinner when the oven’s temperature control went haywire. It shot the temperature up to 500 degrees and burnt them.  I had not even put the turkey in yet.  

I had to go and borrow a turkey roaster. I got home and could not find the turkey baster I bought. I had to track down my eldest son and have him try to find one. Then the size of the turkey I bought caused the lid to not shut completely.  I had a few pans on top to weigh it down. Then it took forever to cook.  Everyone was there at the designated time and we were waiting for the turkey to finish. It was delayed almost an hour before we could eat.  

My mother and half-sister decided to bring wine for dinner. This was something we never had in my house, alcohol. I was not a drinker like my half-sister and mother nor was my ex-husband. We had never had it at any of our family events before. They both got tipsy.

My mother had also invited a few extra relatives that I did not know about, and one of my dining chairs got broken. It was rather disastrous and awkward. My kids were older by then and they even found it weird and uncomfortable.

We did not talk to them again until the next holiday season.  We started seeing them less and less.  When we did get together, it was just awkward, and no one talked to me.  The grandkids got along relatively well but even they thought it should be left alone.  It felt forced and I never felt welcomed.

This past July, my mother decided that she did not want to have anything to do with me anymore or my kids. This was per her, and her daughter’s text messages. I was the issue. I am not sure how.

The whole discussion that started the argument was her asking me for financial help.  I, the unemployed veteran on disability.  I forwarded those texts to her daughters who are in a much better position to help and it blew up. I was not there for that meeting between them.

I sent those same texts to my eldest son to let him know what happened. He recently said she has been texting him. I did not ask what it was about, he knows the non-relationship and history I have with her.

This year, my kids bought us plane tickets to come see them for Christmas.  We are headed off to the West Coast. The PNW (Pacific North West).  I hope we get to see snow but not too much.

It will be the first time since my late teens to early twenties that I haven’t been in Oklahoma for the holidays.

Maybe this is the start of some new traditions.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne