1971 to 2024 – 53 years of lifelong learning

January 10, 2024

4:20 am

Insomnia strikes again, as usual.

I fell asleep the day before at around 7:30 pm. It was a day spent walking in the cold and windy temperatures because I did not have my vehicle. Things still needed to be accomplished and so off we went. I was exhausted by the time we got home.

I made dinner, ate, and then went to lie down. I thought I was just going to rest for a little while but ended up sleeping my normal 6 hours waking up around 1:30 in the morning.

I sat in bed and scrolled through social media for a good hour or so, before finally getting up. I was not falling back to sleep.

I sat here, revising my resume and updating my job searches, thinking about my current situation.

In a few months, I will turn 53 years old. Honestly, I never thought I would live to be in my 50’s. Ironically, I will turn the same age that my ex-husband was before he passed away in 2016. He would have turned 61 this year. Hard to believe that sometimes. I have moments where I keep thinking he’s about to call me, and then I remember he’s not around anymore. Old habits I guess.

Since this is the beginning of another new year, I wrote instead of resolutions or things to resolve, I wrote my intentions instead.

Stop making assumptions and jumping to conclusions. This has caused way too many issues in my life and does not solve anything.
Stop making excuses. I need to focus on my health and well-being and make it a part of my every day.
Be selfish. I have undervalued myself for too long and need to make myself a priority.
Be happy. I have to define what makes me happy and remember that I am capable, smart, driven, and creative. Those are my strengths.
Accept love. I pushed back on this notion for a long time due to trauma. I have worked hard to understand myself and it is time for me to accept that others love me. That I am cared about and that I can trust others.
Remember me. I need to value myself and see my self-worth by remembering who I am, what I have accomplished, how far I have come, and I still have room to grow.

It appears that my whole list is about well, me. That is the intent of this new year. No more worrying and I am focusing for the first time on what I need. Yes, my whole life has been about accomplishing things but it was always about supporting others and meeting their expectations first. I never put my needs before others.

In the end, I am still technically alone, the online person has not shown up yet, but that is a topic for a different day and we are talking much more now than before. I am still trying to find my purpose in life, so many ideas and thoughts but not enough time. I am still a mom but my kids are doing very well for themselves and I am just out here as their cheering section.

As I was looking at the jobs available out there the thought came to mind “Why do I struggle in finding meaningful work?”

Do I need more education and will that help me find the purpose of my life?

At this point, I have plenty of education with a high school diploma, 3 associate degrees, a dual bachelor’s degree nearing completion, and now a diploma in bookkeeping. The lack of education is not the reason for my struggle with work. It could be I am just not utilizing my skills effectively. That is a good thought to ponder.

Maybe, I do not have enough experience?

I started working when I was 16 years old. I enlisted in the US Air Force at the age of 17 and started my military career at 19. I returned home at the age of 22 as a single mom and started working. I then reenlisted in the Air National Guard at the age of 25. I retired after 20 years of service at 42 and began working in the civilian sector again in 2013. I have worked for the last 10 years in various job positions ranging from food service to program administration.

No, I have plenty of experience. I have worked as an individual entrepreneur, in teams, as a team leader, supervisor, and manager. There is no lack of experience.

I even tried downplaying what I knew to make myself fit in better in the workplace. My experience and qualifications were found out when on two different occasions, an assistant manager “accidentally” saw my resume, it completely changed our work environment. The other workers stopped talking to me and I was frozen out of conversation. I did not last much longer after that. It is hard to be on a team when others do not include you, give you crap assignments to do, and they no longer want you around.

Is the struggle related to my attitude?

Maybe.

I have been told by many people that I have too high of expectations. The way I work and my work ethic are different from others. I understand that. I am a determined individual who mainly sees everything in black or white. There are very few shades of gray that I see.

Yet, it depends on what the job expectation is and how I fit into it. If a job requires me to adhere to a certain expectation, standard, or regulation, that is what I do. At the same time, I am more than willing to listen to others and pivot if needed or necessary. I am not this immovable mountain that cannot be swayed into a different viewpoint. I just need all the questions answered beforehand and a mutual understanding developed before proceeding forward.

I have worked too many jobs where I put in all this effort to correct issues and develop plans or programs, only to have my work credited to someone else, on purpose sometimes. I let the person take the credit in the belief that they would make a correction or make up for it later but it never happened. I lost out on many promotions and higher pay because of it. I tried to be a “Team player” and it never worked. I would get upset about it and leave.

If I have an attitude, I am justified in doing so, based on previous experiences. At the same time, I try to not let negative experiences influence how I want to approach a new position. I take the skills and knowledge with me but try to keep the drama out of it.

Does that mean that I carry this attitude with me into every new job?

No, it serves no purpose and I approach new jobs with a clean slate, every time. That is the only way to grow and learn. A person has to be willing to learn things constantly, we should never stop learning.

Is this struggle because of major depression, anxiety, and physical limitations?

I believe so but with some caveats.

The way I feel about myself as a person has not changed since I was a kid. I struggle sometimes with self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-doubt. I know that relationships that are hard to develop are related to trauma and PTSD. I know all of this and for years, I kept it hidden away from others.

I did not want to be treated differently if people knew what I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually dealing with while at that same time, I was excelling in school or work. Nobody knew what was going on just under the surface. I managed that way for over 30 years.

The struggle started in the last 10 years when I finally started facing and dealing with the trauma and became a vocal advocate for therapy and counseling. Everyone should seek out help for trauma, PTSD, MST, and mental health issues while focusing on one’s well-being. This occurred after spiraling down into a deep depression and I finally started sharing my own experiences and story.

The one thing I learned, about dealing with depression, is to keep those thoughts and feelings separate from what I have to do such as school or work. If I cannot contain the feelings as I move along then it will always be a problem.

This is not how employers or others see it though, there is still that stigma surrounding mental health and well-being. That stigma issue, I cannot change, and it is becoming a larger barrier to my employment.

It is an even tougher situation because I still have therapy sessions both physical and mental as well as doctors’ appointments for these issues. Most companies are not willing to work with it. This may be the reason why I am not being considered or hired for job positions.

If I obtain a job position and do not mention these issues during the interview it has created problems. Open and honest communication is the best policy but my employment counselors believe otherwise. I have been told more than once to not mention it.

The only way to combat it is to gain more training, skills, and education because it shows that I can set a goal, stick with it, and complete it. A trait that most companies want or need from an employee.

At this point, I am at a standstill and just waiting for another push into a new direction.

Can I overcome these obstacles and find a meaningful purpose?

Yes, it is possible.

In the 30-plus years of working, I have always found a way to manage everything that I was going through.

My mental well-being did not hinder my progress but it did cost me a few things.

The first casualty of this obstacle and the determination to push through everything is the inability to develop lasting working relationships. Out of all the places I have worked, I did not remain in contact with anyone. It has been difficult every time I have to fill out a job application and need to list references. I usually end up listing my kids or stating that former supervisors or managers no longer work there.

The second issue has been stability within my work history. There are numerous gaps of time between job positions over the last 10 years. This was either due to family, personal, or health issues causing time off to be taken. This also affected the length of time at a workplace which has varied from 2 weeks to a full year. This is the first thing most people see on my resume but there is no other way to state my skills and experience.

The last issue is my age. I know that by labor laws a company cannot base hiring decisions for a job position on any federally protected demographic such as age, race, color, gender, religion, national origin, or disability. Yet, I know that this does occur just based on job applications alone. I have seen many that will ask for your high school graduation date. This automatically gives the company an estimate of how old you are.

Then there were the issues when I did find a job position and my supervisors or managers were younger than me. I have had several instances where for some reason my age was believed to be the same as theirs and when they found out I was older or they looked at my resume I was shut out again.

This last issue I have no course of action to take to mitigate or combat this in any way. It is what it is as they say. All I can do is keep moving through it and hope that this too does not become a bigger barrier to employment.

As I go forward, moving ahead with my plans whether that is finding a job position, creating a job for myself, or letting the powers that be move me in whatever direction I need to go, I will continue to remain hopeful.

I will continue to keep that faith and belief in the greater good.

I will stay on track and find that purpose.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne