New year, fresh start…maybe.

New year, fresh start…maybe.

1/15/2024

3:35 pm

I woke up about an hour ago.  Insomnia is wreaking havoc on my sleep schedule. I haven’t been going to sleep until early morning.  Falling asleep during the day and taking long naps is the major culprit. 

I was mulling over the conversation with the online person.  We had another argument a few days ago and it was never actually resolved.  I brought that up to him again in another text he has not seen yet.

I just do not see the true value of myself in his life.  That was a harsh thought that came to mind today.

In my thinking, if this person truly valued me, then I would already be a part of his daily life and not just in conversation. 

My mind tells me it is time to move on and regain myself again.  I just don’t know.  It is hard to think about it and I get weepy at the thought.  I hate that. 

I have never in my life been weepy over any man.  I have been hurt many times by them but never got overly weepy or sad and would bounce back quickly. I have always viewed being that way as a weakness. I have never in my life let anyone see me as weak.

I know that is part of the trauma. This automatic self-defense position I put up.  I have had this discussion many times with psychologists, therapists, and counselors with no solution. It is what it is.

Then what is the solution?  My son keeps telling me to be patient and so does this online person. 

Yet, how much longer should I wait?  This is the first time in my dating or relationship life that I have ever waited on anyone. I was always this take-it-or-leave-it person. If a decision were not made about me within a short period then I would leave. I was not going to wait around. You either know that person is for you or you don’t. If this is the person from 7 years ago, then why have I allowed myself to go back and forth like this, it has been this way for an exceptionally long time. 

The only difference this time is when he left in 2020 and came back in 2022, it has been ongoing for almost 2 years now.  The longest we have ever maintained continuous contact with one another.  We talk almost daily, sometimes, several times a day. I thought maybe it was leading to something and now I have doubts again.   

I see his social media and it just causes me anxiety. I see this beautiful life he has built for himself and I question him over and over again about it.  All it does is cause discord between us.  He once told me to not believe everything you see on social media and he only lets others see what he wants them to see. That only the light is shown never the shadows. Reality is much more complicated. That social media is not reality, just an illusion of real life.

I understood that but as a person who has never held back anything and is brutally honest, I just see it as lying or concealing the truth.  The minute you let that become your norm it is hard to break free from it.  It is so much easier to tell the truth no matter what. Instead of having to keep track of the lies, big or small, that you have told.  It is much easier on the conscience. I sleep at night with a clear conscience no matter what it has cost me.

Patience.  Is that the solution to this problem?  Yet, why do I have to be patient with this person?  He is determining how the course of this relationship journey will go and I just feel like this side character.  I do not like that, not having any control over the situation, and being told to just go with the flow with promises of a lasting relationship at the end. 

I recently saw this quote online from an interview with the actor Michael B. Jordon. “You almost have to be insane a little bit to have such blind faith in something that you can’t see”.  That is what this feels like. Insanity.  To have such blind faith in a person who has yet to make a significant move forward.  To keep waiting for that happily ever after.

In all the years of therapy and meditation, I keep hearing the same theme. “Let it be, accept it for what it is, and keep moving.”  That is the only choice?

My mind keeps telling me “No, that is not the only choice.”  I need to take back my power of choice and decide for myself.  Looking back though, I already chose by staying, believing in him, and waiting for him to return. 

That is the thing about having freedom of will, the decision to keep staying, is still my choice.

At this moment, I do not know.  My depressed, anxiety-filled mind still occasionally says to run and never look back, escape just like before with everyone else.  To tear it all down, destroy it, and keep going. No fuss, no muss, and no regrets. That is not the person that I wanted to become though. 

I wanted to be this person who could stay and face the tough stuff, to not give up. To not be angry, resentful, vengeful, and broken. To be honest about how I feel and with my thoughts. To own up to my actions no matter what.  That is how I have been carrying myself, for quite some time with him, and others that I encounter.

It has taken a long time to be at peace with the constant war in my mind.  It is mostly quiet now and the darkness was replaced by light 7 years ago.  It was replaced by the idea of someone loving me for me. The wounded and scarred all of me. That the idea of romantic notions, poetry, and words of love, was truly possible. 

It didn’t work out then because I was not ready, and was still fighting an ongoing battle with my innermost demons. I let it go and continued my quest for a peaceful mind among the chaotic thoughts. I had to spiral down into a deep depression first before I could heal myself. It has been a long road full of drama, anxiety, sleepless nights, worry, sadness, and searching for the calm but I finally moved past the darkness. I accepted myself for who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.

Maybe, that is my fresh start and always has been.  I just need to add to it and make it stronger.  Make myself unbothered and more capable of handling heartache, heartbreak, and rejection. To continue not being afraid of being alone and realize that I am a strong person with or without someone else in my life.  I know this and have been living my life that way for quite a while.

I just deleted the unread messages I sent to him earlier.  I do not want to continue with the argument and will let it go.  Is that what maturity and true peace with one’s self look like?  Just letting it go and moving on. The anxiety I felt earlier has subsided and my thoughts are focused on other things.

This place, this blog, and the space where my thoughts are safe to roam is where I go to question those notions.  The random musings of my day and life.  It helps sometimes.

The thought came up the other day, after making up, apologies, and going back to our normal conversations, what do I want to do if he finally makes that move?  In all this time, I was so worried about getting to that point and past the obstacles that I never envisioned about the direction this would go.  What will life be like after? 

I was so busy thinking about and dealing with what was going on in my life at the moment. I did not think about a future life with him and what will that look like.  I have been working through my financial issues, and looking for work. This is to pay off debt and to add to my retirement in 7 years.  Those issues, and the still ongoing arm/shoulder problems.  These have been my focus for 4 years now.

He has known this since we first started talking again in May of 2022. He keeps being supportive in my pursuit of these things. At the same time, he continues mentioning the idea of helping me start a new business once he gets here or taking care of these things for me.  It has come up often and I wonder why sometimes but never think to ask.  He stated it once more in a recent voice note. This was after I vented about my frustrations this past couple of months. 

I guess in reality, I am still pursuing these ideas on my own.  Until he is here and in my presence, I am still technically on my own.  That is how I have been moving since the last time we talked in 2020 when he left abruptly. 

Do I want to start a business?  Yes, that has always been the plan but I just do not know what kind of business I want to start. 

The idea for the longest time was selling cake decorating tools and supplies online as well as teaching classes and competing.  The pandemic and shoulder injury sidelined those ideas. It is not completely off the table but I am still struggling with the arm and hand at the moment.  I am out of practice and it feels like I am starting all over again.  

Then the idea of selling beadwork tools and supplies online as well as teaching came into mind.  I am still learning though and would like to learn more before diving into that.  It is such a niche market like cake decorating.  Would it make a decent living and is it sustainable? 

I have also begun the process of creating my own beadwork and jewelry items to sell online but it is a slow process because of the hand issues.  My goal was to create a minimum of 75 to 100 pieces before launching it. I have about half completed.  My son thinks I should go ahead and just start selling them. I have a Facebook and an Instagram account already set up to sell the pieces. I have not begun advertising items for sale yet.  I just recently began updating them with pictures of what I created.

I only need this to work for at least 7 years then I start drawing my actual military pension.  That is enough time to build more in a retirement fund and pay off debt.  I just need some added income to get started.

Those have been the only business avenues that I have thought about in recent years.  A craft or hobby business.  In the meantime, I have been focused on finding a job either full-time, part-time, or remotely.

I have been asked by my kids and a few relatives if I am going to pursue becoming the Chief of our tribal nation.  It was always a goal that I thought about when I retired and started receiving my pension but I have never actually pursued any avenues to it. 

I just do not know if I have what it takes to be in a political leadership role or if I want to be.  There is so much work to be done within our tribal nation and it needs the right people with the right backgrounds and vision. 

The current leadership has finally listened to the request for an economic development plan from the tribal council over the last 10 years. They developed a plan and put it on the agenda for a special governing council meeting.  It has been delayed because of our current weather situation but I have a copy of the plan, it looks good and is a great start.

I originally began pursuing a career in software engineering in 2020. The focus was on full-stack web development. I went through this lengthy application process and was accepted and approved to attend a technical school here in my city.  I attended the program on and off for over a year, right after my surgery, during my recovery process. 

It was a group learning environment and fast-paced. I was okay at it but not as fast as others.  I still have the opportunity to return and start over if I want.  That is a career path that would be stable and could afford me the opportunity to work remotely or do contract work.  It is still a viable option that would pay well.

In the interim, I went to a different vocational school and just completed the 10-month course. I received a diploma in bookkeeping and accounting.  The timing of this completion was not ideal. It was at the beginning of the holiday season and other factors have been in play such as not having a vehicle for two months. These have hindered the job search process.  Now that the holiday season is over, hopefully, I can continue to make progress and find work.

There are many possible avenues to take. At the base of it is where this online person wants to be, if and when he finally gets here.  Does he want to live here? Do we move somewhere else as we have talked about before?  Start over somewhere new for both of us? That is still uncertain at this point.

In the current situation, everything is still as it has been.  He says that he wants to be with me and has been making small subtle changes over the course of the last year and a half.  Impatience is my weakness though. I keep thinking that he should just make it happen. Yet, I know that I am not ready either. I would like to be more financially stable before he gets here. I’m still moving on with my plans.

I look at the fact that I am remaining flexible and willing to change if necessary but with the notion that I will still pursue what I need to do for myself.

As this first month of the new year starts winding down, I step back and look at everything.

We are still talking to one another after 20 months and it is still the longest relationship I have had since my divorce.  That’s a positive.

We still argue with one another, apologize, and makeup.  That is what true love is supposed to be, imperfect, flexible, and compromising. 

We are both still pursuing what we need for ourselves.  Neither of us has made demands on one another instead we listen, make time for each other, and try to be understanding.

I still have the freedom to choose who I want to be with and for how long.  At this moment, I choose him, even in this imperfect state.  I knew this though and it has not hindered me from doing what I need to do.

I am still learning and growing as a person.  I am imperfect. I make mistakes. I am a human being. 

As my evening winds down here, I have not heard from him since early this morning, but it is okay.  I know that he will message me when he gets a chance.  He always does.

In the meantime, I will continue working on what I need to do.  Maybe, writing down plans would be good, coming up with my own personal economic and financial development plan.  I have not written a plan like that in an exceedingly long time.  I should do that more often and possibly develop that habit again.

Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read my blog.

Have a fabulous January and the first month of the new year!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Stay motivated, and positive, and keep moving forward.

Suzanne