Unretired or tired.

6/12/2024

1:11 am

It is another semi-sleepless night. I feel tired but not sleepy, as usual.

I have been reading this book called “Unretired – How Highly Effective People Live Happily Ever After.” – by Mark S. Walton. I realized that the context in some of the examples and interviews in the book sound familiar. It has given me pause for thought about how this applies to my own life.

I have struggled since September 2013 when my military career ended after 20 years of service. I foolishly assumed that I was just going to go into the civilian sector and keep on working. It has been 11 years of struggle ever since.

This evening I was looking through my hard drive for a document that has all the addresses where we have lived. My youngest son was filling out a job application and needed some addresses of the last 5 places he lived.

After getting what he needed, I was looking through the digital clutter and stumbled upon a few documents that further solidified the thoughts I have been mulling over since I started this book.

This also helped put into perspective what I have been feeling for 11 years about myself as it pertains to being “useful”.

The first document I found was a list of all the places I worked from 2014 until 2020. It was a total of 17 jobs that I went through in those 6 years before injury ended my employment. There is the exception for the brief one month of working this year after 4 years of unemployment.

This brief employment ended abruptly and now I face further issues with my left hand. They diagnosed it as a “trigger finger” and my primary doctor has started the process of working on the issue.

The underlying cause is most likely from the constant daily driving and typing I did while working. I was driving a hundred-mile round trip every day. I then spent 8 to 10 hours a day plus an additional 3 to 5 hours on the weekend typing documents. It was exhausting.

I have an orthopedic hand surgeon consultation pending. My right shoulder and hand are still the same as before with no improvement.

I was reading through the list of jobs and realized that the reason for the struggle all those years was more than just a personality conflict with others. The issue was how I worked as an individual at the root of those problems.

I had spent 20 years working in a fast-paced environment where I was the subject matter expert for my job position. I had to know how to solve problems and have a “big picture” mentality. I had to be well-versed in rules and regulations, versatile in many admin duties, and knowledgeable in not only my job requirements but the job requirements of the people I supported.

I was an Education and Training manager for not only small units but at one point the wing as a whole. I have many accolades and awards for my work. I knew how to do my job well and my whole identity was based on this job position.

Then all of that ended and I went out into the workforce where I was just another worker. I had no responsibilities except the given job at hand. Instead of just “doing my job”, I tried to apply the same work ethic and principles that I had. I tried to excel or exceed expectations.

Struggling in every job position because I overstepped my bounds, stepped on a few toes, and never held my tongue. I was deemed “difficult” by most supervisors, “snobbish” by my fellow workers, and a “threat to the status quo” by managers.

I just did not know how to “fit in”.

***6/16/2024 1:03 am – Continuation

After reading through some of the interviews in this book it came to me one morning that I struggled because of how I work and carry myself.

I had grown up in an abusive environment as a kid and I had two ways to go, become the best that I could, or drown in the pain and sorrow. I chose to push myself and to be better than those around me, to exceed expectations, and to prove others wrong about me.

I made my goals and I started pursuing them.

I applied these ideas and principles to everything that I attempted from academics to sports. I was not always successful but I would pick myself back up and try again. That way, I would know what my limitations or weaknesses were.

I never stopped believing this about myself, even in my darkest moments, I knew that I had to remain hopeful and have faith that it would get better.

I have digressed somewhat.

***6/17/2024 – 1:26 am, conclusion

In this book it talks about people who were successful and when they reached a certain point in their careers or jobs, they believed what most of us have believed, that you should retire and bask in your golden years. The problem was for most, how do you turn off that level of thinking that made you successful in the first place? How do you turn off that desire to win or succeed? It is not like a light switch that you can turn off at the end of the day. It becomes a part of who you are and how people view you.

For myself, it was even more of a challenge because I was only 42 years old when I retired from the military. I still had many more years to go before I could draw my pension. I could have found one position and done another 20-year career but I did not want that. I wanted to see what was out there for me.

Reading the interviews with the individuals was like someone looking into my mind and finally shedding light on why I struggled so much over the last 10 years. It was not that I could not achieve or excel in the jobs that I was trying to work in. It was that the companies and organizations were only expecting me to meet minimum qualifications, do the job, accept the pay, and keep quiet, that and nothing more.

These expectations clashed with my ideals, work ethics, and sometimes, morality. I was not willing to “just be another worker”.

As I finish up the last few chapters of the book, it has posed some questions to the reader, and advice from those that they interviewed. The suggestions are to evaluate your knowledge, experience, and expertise then create your own “job” that fits these criteria if you want to keep working well past retirement. That is what most of them had done because they were not ready to retire and became unretired.

These last chapters talk about how some rediscovered their creativity and turned to that as their new “job”. I thought this was ironic since that is what I have been doing for the last few years.

I am creating items that I will eventually sell. I set a goal to reach a specific number of pieces before I begin launching a website. I already have the website ready to go awaiting the moment I finish the work.

The other suggestions in the book were to discover and acquire new skills utilizing the experience that you already have. I have done this as well by finishing a bookkeeping course but have also started looking at software programming again. These two ideas may be a wash though because of the current hand and arm issues.

I am limited to how much typing, computer work, and any small detail work that I can accomplish before my hands stop cooperating. I can only work in small chunks of time.

The mind is still active and willing but the body is saying it is time to rest. This is causing much conflict within myself but I remain hopeful.

As I finish this writing, my mind goes back to when I was in my twenties. I was a single mom just trying to manage. I had family but they were not that supportive. I did not have any friends that I could count on or any relationships. I was on my own but I pushed myself to make everything work. I never gave up on my hopes, dreams, and goals.

It is easy to give up and stop trying, it is much harder to pursue your dreams, aspirations, and visions of a future yet to materialize.

I was never one to back down from any challenges.

I have no intention of starting now.

Thank you for stopping by and supporting this blog.

Have a fabulous week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne