The Universe has its reasons – Positive Energy.
**I began writing this in April of 2023 and never finished it. In light of recent events within my family, it was a good time to continue this writing and write the conclusion to the saga with my mother.
4/14/2023
11:05 pm
It was a long day. I am tired and rather frustrated, not at anyone, just myself.
I once again put up these high expectations and felt defeated when they were not met. I realized as I dwelled on this throughout the day, that it was not the expectations of the person I am involved with that were the issue, it was with myself. I have since apologized for my overreactions.
I have worked hard for the last 6 years, after my last hospitalization, to stop focusing on the negative and see the positives. To promote this idea we have to send out this positive energy into the universe to get positive vibes back. It was going well and then a few weeks ago, something changed in my thoughts after an incident with my mother.
I have been struggling to maintain the morning routine I started a few months ago. It helped put a damper on the high anxiety thoughts when I woke up and helped me focus more so I could get more things done during the day. The purpose was to help me maintain focus while I complete this coursework and graduate in November.
I have let negativity come back into my thinking again. I once again have been riding that wave of depression and anxiety, struggling to maintain that focus. That one negative moment has set me back and I know it is because my mind has been in constant flux over the relationship with her. That I let my values get muddled by this hope and righteousness I carried with me for over 40 years like a torch.
The hope was that she would treat me with respect, the righteousness was that I would get an admittance for her wrongdoing and an apology from her, for everything. Both were incorrect and it was never going to happen.
This interference with my progress made me not only angry at the issues but at myself as well. I feel self-defeated. I feel like I have been ambushed but then I also know that the signs were already there that things were not going well. Out of habit, I brushed them off and did not want to see them occurring. I in turn let myself down.
Then today during my online group therapy session, we were discussing how issues interfere with or go against our values sometimes. We were discussing solutions to the problems.
As I sat there listening to everyone talk, I had this thought as to why we hold onto things that we know are bad for us. I wrote this down to remember.
“All the energy we put out is going towards the negative instead of the positive. When we hold onto the issues, and problems, or keep attention on them instead of letting go. We are unintentionally placing value on it. That’s why we are struggling.”
This action of placing a value on something, even issues, is wasting the energy we are sending out into the universe. Instead of it coming back to us positively it is coming back negatively.
In those moments, I realized that I had been putting all my energy into trying to manage or fix a relationship with my mother that was beyond repair. I had refused to let go of the thought that it could be mended. This is a big part of the anxiety and depression that have been with me for years.
***Continuation – 6/28/2024 12:09pm
I am still clearing out my digital clutter and found this writing I started over a year ago. In it, I mentioned the positive energy versus negative energy concept that I believe in. Since I just posted an article titled “Manifestation and Affirmation…” I think this fits in well with that article. I also wanted to write out the conclusion of the previous ongoing turmoil with my mother.
I wrote that post a week before my birthday which is always a down period for me every year. It brings up all these thoughts and ideas about what I have or have not accomplished. This inevitably brings up thoughts about relationships with others, the one thing I struggle with the most. It has gotten better over time but there are occasions when it is still an issue for me.
A few months after that writing, my mother texted me that she did not want to have anything to do with me. It was the result of her asking for money. I was on a single fixed income. My mother with her social security, together with her husband’s pension, and his social security earns about three times more than I do. They have low rent, low utility bills, and car payments. I could not assist her because I had just paid off a huge electricity bill from the winter months heating and we had just returned from my daughter’s college graduation on the west coast.
Instead, I sent her texts to her other daughters, my half-sisters, and told them what was going on. I also mentioned that I wanted to sit down and talk to them about what to do when the parents became too old to handle things or take care of themselves. We needed to do some planning. They said they would go over and have a talk with them to see what they needed. I guess the talk did not go well, they sent back text messages as well. It was the last time I talked to any of them.
She had stated that it was for a past-due water bill. I knew for a fact that they had applied for and were on an assistance program through his tribal nation that was paying their rent and utilities for 6 months with the stipulation that they had to start a savings account and pay down any debt. The messages were from July 5th, 2023, and the assistance program ran from January to about June 2023. I know this because I was the one who helped them scan in all the needed paperwork and sent it as attachments to the tribal coordinator for that program and to finish up the approval. This information was in my texts to her other daughters.
In her text, she mentioned a car payment assistance that I asked her for help with 8 months before that incident. I asked for help because I was short the $300, not the $400 she stated. I had a partial payment but needed additional funds or they were going to repossess it.
I went to them and her husband stated he would help; he gave her his debit card and had me drive her to the ATM. When she returned to the car, she stated the card wasn’t working and handed me $150 saying she took it out of her account and would get the rest the next day but she never did. It was my nephew who sent me $500 to help with the remaining car payment, late fees, and insurance. He also stated that I did not need to pay him back because he wanted to help.
I had paid her back $100 and only owed her $50 at that time. I do not know what she told her husband or if she took $400 from his account or not. In the one message from the youngest sister, she even states that she knows that our mother is never completely honest with him when it comes to money.
The middle sister is still holding onto bitterness towards me over various things throughout the years but the main sticking point is over a man she wanted to date but found out he had been texting me during that same time. This happened 10 years ago. She was engaged to someone else who she eventually married then divorced 5 years later. I was in the middle of my separation. I had met this guy at her birthday party. The guy did not live in the same state and was divorced as well.
It turned into this huge mess when I informed the guy about some of the things she had texted and told me about him. He had called me to find out why I stopped talking to him. I sent him screenshots. She told me he was a user of people and to stay away from him. I believed her because they had been friends a lot longer than I knew him, they were high school friends, and she was my sister, I thought she cared about me. When he confronted her, it got ugly.
My mother plus both sisters unleashed 30 years of hate in the form of numerous text messages and voicemails in the span of an hour. I was sitting there studying for an exam at my college when I was suddenly barraged with messages, the friends from my class read them. They could not believe that it was from my sisters and mother. My eldest son also saw the messages and heard the voicemails when he picked me up that evening after my classes. He could not believe that his grandmother and aunts could be that way. That previous incident ended with us not talking to each other for years. It also strained and fractured any relationship that the grandchildren had with one another.
Then we come to this past two weeks. It has been almost a year since I last talked to any of them after those text messages last July. My life has been relatively peaceful.
I got a screenshot and text from my eldest child. It was a text from their grandmother informing them that my Aunt Mary Ann had passed away and that the services were that night with the burial the next day. I was so upset because I had not been told that she had passed. My Aunty Mary and my cousins helped raise me and were always there if I needed anything. I knew she had been sick on and off. I called a relative to verify everything.
The relative said, “Your mom said she called you and that you were not coming to the funeral”. My aunt had passed away the previous Sunday and my mother had been with her that day. I verified the information on Tuesday afternoon. That is when I informed the relative that we had not talked to one another in almost a year. She said “Oh, we didn’t know that.” I told her I would be there as soon as I could. My son and I arrived two hours later.
I spent the next two hours talking to all my relatives. They were all under the impression from my mother that I was not going to be there and that I had moved out of state. This could explain why I was not getting any family invites to any events or any phone calls when my Aunty Mary was in and out of the hospital over the past year.
I was in the longhouse, sitting with relatives and my Aunty Mary’s casket. We were talking and catching up on everything that was going on with my family. One of the relatives asked if my mother was going to be there that evening. I stated that per the text she sent to my eldest, she was supposed to be there. They asked me to call her to find out when she was going to arrive. I unblocked her number from my phone and called. She sounded so surprised that I was calling her. I asked her when she was going to get there and she said, “I am already here.” I said that’s good and we were in the long house waiting for her. I hung up and a few minutes later she walked in.
My youngest son said she looked pissed off but her husband seemed happy to see us. He was joking with my son. We got up and left, going back outside to sit with other relatives. I had managed to undo anything she had told them over the past year. I have no idea what else she had been telling them but most of my relatives now knew the truth.
I stayed for part of the services that evening, and well into the early hours of the next day. It was a ceremony in a teepee per tradition. The younger male relatives who were conducting the services had no idea that anything was going on and had sat me by my mother in the ceremony. I did not talk to her at all and stayed focused on the task at hand. I was there for my Aunt, my cousins, and their families. I was also there to impart teachings to my younger son about the traditions. He had never been in the ceremony before.
We left at 2 am and went home. I did not want to attend the burial later that morning.
I told my person and my other children what had happened. It made me sad that her pettiness would extend to not letting me know that my aunt had passed away. Then lying to our relatives about it. This is most likely the reason why when other relatives had passed away during the past year, I was not in the know until after the fact or the day of the funeral. I found out by chance when I checked Facebook and would see a post by a relative. She knew about it, was gatekeeping information, and tried to control the narrative.
I guess she did not know that my children always share information with me and that if I call any relative, they always tell me the truth. That is the relationship that I have with them, mutual respect, understanding, and care, like a family should be. That the truth always comes forward in one way or another.
That is why the energy that I send out into the universe is positive, no matter what. I seek out that silver lining, try to find the good in everything, believe in human beings, and remain hopeful. I trust that things will always work out the way they are supposed to.
When I wrote the first part of this article, I was trying to reconcile that feeling of loss. The loss of any connection or relationship with my mother and my sisters.
I will never understand why and have accepted that. The universe has its reasons.
I will be okay.
I will continue with my own family.
I will move forward.
I will pursue my goals, dreams, and aspirations.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Have a fabulous week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 