7/27/2024
Saturday, 11:51 am
It is still mid-morning and my mind is still waking up. After a restless night of sleep, I only slept for 5 hours, I am wide awake but tired. Hopefully, a small boost of caffeine from my hot tea will help.
I got up and wrote this long message to my kids in our group chat about my recent appointment.
This past Thursday I sat down with a DAV, Disabled American Veterans, representative to go over my current VA disability rating and see if it is possible to increase it.
I went to see about getting the rating increased since I am now also on Social Security disability. She said that there is a possibility of increasing it to 100% by filing for individual unemployability (UI).
This is due to Social Security having PTSD, major depression, anxiety, and manual dexterity limitations of my hands listed as unemployability factors. These were a part of my VA disability approval as well. These along with the added degenerative disc issues that social security cited in their approval.
The representative also included the recent spine and neck issues that the VA is currently working with me on. She noted in the claim paperwork that I hadn’t worked in 4 years except for one month with a tribal nation in which I lost the position while still under the probationary period. She also noted I have not had any other interviews or job offers since. It could take a couple of months before I find out whether they approve it.
On a side note, when I went to see her, I was just inquiring about getting my disability rating increased another 10% which would give a slight increase to the pay. After answering some of her questions, she recommended the unemployability to 100%. She asked if I felt like I could still work or not. That was a hard question to answer.
The last four years have been a physical struggle with the daily pain and limitations. Mentally, I know I still have knowledge, skills, and experience.
Before the injury and surgery, it was a mental struggle. Not being happy in the jobs I had, struggling to find my place, and to find peace.
Then I finally, after 4 years, got a position for one month in the job I had always wanted. It was as a training person, in Human Resources, and for a tribal nation. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from the first day to the last. The pain increased and new injuries occurred.
I thought it was just going to take time to get used to working again but it became more than that. I realized that just because mentally I was still capable physically my body had become tired and worn down. I just didn’t want to face that fact. I had worked consistently from the age of 16 to 50.
I did all the things that I was expected to do. Work, get married, have kids, get an education, and contribute back by serving my country and community. I didn’t want to be perceived as useless, incapable, or lazy. I was fighting against this notion for the last four years.
Then I was reminded by the DAV rep and others, “You’ve paid your dues”, it was time to rest, recover, and reimagine myself in a new way. To start a new path for myself. To use my skills, creativity, and ability to gain more knowledge. To continue contributing but in a different way.
I always had lots of ideas but never really focused on them before. I was always too busy working to survive and take care of my responsibilities. Those ideas were put on the back burner and I told myself “Maybe one day”.
It looks like those old paths are closing and that path to “one day” is opening up.
Yet, I still struggle with thoughts of being considered “no longer useful”.
Stigma – “a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.”
The stigma of being on disability whether imagined or in reality is still there. It is mostly in the back of my mind. It has been hard to see myself this way knowing how I was before.
Despite these self-doubting thoughts all the medical testing, observations, and evidence from the “experts” supporting the disability claims, I did not want to see or acknowledge it.
I am reminded and constantly reassured that I can continue to contribute, that I am still capable but I will have to find a different way. That I should not consider myself “useless”.
Others remind me, when I am in these down moods, that I have accomplished more by the age of 50 than most people get the opportunity to do. That it was my hard work, dedication, and determination that got me this far.
It was never about physical strength it was the mental and emotional aspect that carried me.
So today, despite being tired, I am going to continue with my creative projects. I will take the time to rest when needed. I will also take time to sit down and start mapping out a plan of action to begin working on those “one-day” items.
The past is done.
The present is now.
The future remains.
How I move through it is up to me.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Have a fabulous week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 