Routine – Testing the limits.

7/28/2024

3:50 pm

It is a Sunday afternoon, almost 4 pm.  I woke up 2 hours ago but finally got out of bed 30 minutes ago. I got up, heated some coffee and leftovers, then threw a load of dishes in the dishwasher.

I have been purposely not doing my morning routine the last few days to see if it is helpful or not. I haven’t slept well since last Thursday. I have written about my morning routines and the chaos that occurs when I do not follow through.

This idea of testing my routine stems from my meeting with the Disabled American Veterans rep last Thursday.  Facing the reality that I am now considered “unemployable” and the effects it had on my thinking has made me realize a lot about who I am as a person.

I have begun to understand more about how the trauma I grew up with affected my life beyond relationships and trust in others.  I also know that I can overcome it and control what I think or feel by following the steps I learned in my Cognitive Behavior Therapy group and individual counseling sessions. Ten years of therapy is a good start but maintaining it is still up to me.

Not sticking to my morning routine of getting up, fixing the bed, opening the blinds, doing morning meditation and stretching, and then getting dressed has put a damper on my mood overall.  I feel unmotivated and struggling to be creative. 

All I have been doing is eating, bingeing movies, endless scrolling on social media, playing video games, and drinking anything with caffeine.  My sleep schedule is all off, I haven’t been to sleep before 4 am and then sleep most of the day.

I need structure and a routine. That by not working at a job for the last 4 years the structure and routine part had been replaced with my morning routine developed over that same period. 

As I was looking through my psychological profile in my medical records and the social security write-up after my meeting last Thursday, the same topic came up several times. It stated that I was “actively engaged” when the task was set before me with simple rules but I became “quiet” when there were no rules. 

I realized that it all goes back to the perceived need for “stability and safety”.  That is what the military gave me for over twenty years and every job since then as well.

I know that this “need” is due to my upbringing as a kid. I was bounced around to different relatives by my mother until I was about 9 years old.  She openly admitted to me when I was about 11 years old that she never wanted me and regretted having me. That is a lot to take in as a pre-teen when your worldview is still being formed. This also explains why I stayed in a bad marriage for 17 years knowing it was not working. This and still maintaining the toxic relationship with my parents and sisters. In a warped way, I was trying to maintain a sense of stability and safety.

This is also applicable to the desire for structure and routine. I found some interesting reads on how this was defined on several different websites and articles.

The first was an article I read from the Hackensack Meridian Health website article “Why Routines are Important for Mental Health”.  The article stated, “The structure of even small daily routines become important patterns and expectations that give us just enough positive stress to get through a day with a sense of purpose and well-being.”

Then there was an article on LinkedIn from a Strength & Conditioning Coach named Jacob Andreae titled “Why Do Humans Crave Routine?” in which he stated “Routines allow you to create structure and predictability in your life. They allow you to feel safe. Without routines, there would be too much uncertainty in life and everyday functioning would slow down.”

This idea of structure and routine could also explain the compulsion to be organized. I have always kept things in a certain way. Most people believe that I am good at organizing and time management when in reality, I need to keep my life moving at a certain pace, otherwise, I feel lost sometimes.

I know that I have those moments where the motivation is just not there and things become cluttered to the point of being overwhelming.  It takes a lot of self-control, not letting it get out of hand, and taking the time to put everything back in order. I always feel better afterward when I put everything in its assigned place and clear up the mess.

As I face a future that no longer allows me to work a “normal job” or a “set schedule”, I need to develop my routine further. The morning routine was working and I will stick with it. 

In my recent discussions with my online relationship and my kids, they stated “You now have the time to develop your creative skills more and possibly start a business.”  

To build a business, these questions need to be answered, what do I want to do, what do I enjoy, and how do I approach it?  This task is on my current to-do list.

In my previous work experience, it is similar to a project management task. Starting with the goal in mind and working backwards, breaking it down task by task, until a plan is created.

I was always particularly good at that type of tasking and it married well with my auditing and inspection duties.  I have several awards and commendations for getting units back in order and helping them pass inspections.

As I was sitting here this afternoon, thinking about how to approach this topic for the blog post, I realized that my whole married life was about routine and that is how I managed it despite the depression and anxiety.

The majority of my married life from 1997 to 2014 was spent being a busy stay-at-home mom.  I worked part-time as a traditional guardsman in the military and volunteered at my kid’s school. Then I ventured off to start my own side business of teaching cake decorating.

These side incomes helped pay for their extracurricular activities such as marching band, orchestra, soccer, and academic clubs.  It also provided them with coats for winter, school supplies, and new clothes at the beginning of each school year.  

All of it was accomplished by sticking to routines. We had set schedules during the week and weekends. Household tasks such as buying groceries and pet supplies were accomplished every two weeks with premade checklists. I had meal plans for every day and household chores were on certain days. 

I planned a budget for the whole month and included things like birthdays, holidays, and school functions.  It was all mapped out at the beginning of each month with a calendar, planner, and many different binders.

I used to follow home-organizing websites religiously. Some websites are still available such as Organized Home while others such as The Fly Lady and the Sidetracked Home Executives(SHE) system have information still floating around.  According to what I found, The Fly Lady has had some controversy related to her religious and political views, and that website has not been updated in two years. The last remaining sister of the SHE system wrote her last blog article in 2022 and that system was ended.

I took bits and pieces of their information turning it into my routines.  Back then we did not have social media, Google, or even YouTube to find information.  It was just random websites, magazines, or even the library.

I know that I can create and set up a routine to incorporate the new goals for my life. I just have to sit down and think about what I want. 

This whole time I felt like I was no longer “useful” or had a “purpose”.  Then I realized that I was the one who determined my goals, aspirations, and purpose.  It was never up to anyone else, not a company, not a title, nor even a significant other, it was all in my hands.

After coming to terms that my life is not over just because I can no longer work a 9 to 5 job, I feel better.  The thoughts of feeling useless are waning.  I have to find new inspiration and a new sense of purpose. 

I accomplished the job I set out to do all those years ago. I worked, got married, had kids, raised them, saw them all off to college, and retired from the military. 

That was just the first part of my life. It is now time to look forward to the next part.

Thank you so much for stopping by and supporting this blog.

Have a wonderful week!

Stay purposeful in your actions and true to your words.

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne