8/7/24 – 11:35 am
Morning thoughts.
Subject: Ex husband
I woke up this morning after another restless sleep of going to bed late and waking up on and off. I woke up and my first thoughts were of you.
My body was in pain once more as it has been for 5 years now. This is my new “normal”.
As I sat there on the edge of my bed waiting for the stiffness to loosen up and the pain to subside to its normal level, I thought of you.
In that brief moment I wished you were there, not because I missed you, so I wouldn’t be alone.
My heart still feels married to you sometimes. Then my mind remembers. It remembers that you had planned on leaving, had been sleeping with others, had met someone you professed love for, and you had talked badly about me even making fun of me.
It was all there in the emails we found after you passed away.
It had been going on for years, I never knew. I was foolishly trying to keep the bad marriage going for the sake of our kids all the while thinking we could “fix” the issues. That there was still a chance.
While I was drowning in depression and anxiety, you stood there on the shore watching.
You didn’t care though, did you ever really? I will never get those answers.
In those brief moments when you come into my thoughts I have to remind myself, you made your choices. Your children and I can only live with those choices for the rest of our lives. There are no second chances.
I may be alone in those early morning moments but it’s better than feeling alone in your presence.
Suzanne
love to bake 