Femininity and Masculinity – Toxic behaviors.
12/15/2024
10:47 pm
It has been a while since my last blog post. I was not in the mood to write anything and sought inspiration.
I read articles online, looked through what people posted online, and heard what was being discussed in public spaces.
Then today I noticed this post on one of the accounts I follow.
I dislike these kinds of posts because they continue the stereotype of how a “man” is supposed to behave but never share equal ownership of bad behaviors in relationships as it pertains to women.
Two grown adults should know how to treat others with dignity, honesty, and respect.
If you have fallen out of love with the other person, state this, let it go, and move on. If the person has stated this to you, then accept it, let it go, and move on.
I know it is hard and it hurts especially if you have had a long relationship with the person. Resorting to name-calling, degradation, and putting down the other person does nothing to rectify the situation or create an amicable split.
This is so important for self-esteem and recovery. As well as when there are children involved or other shared responsibilities.
It made me realize that when people talk about toxic relationships they generally seem to reference women whose partners, mainly men, are the ones with these traits and behaviors.
Yet, some women portray these same behaviors but are rarely discussed unless they are in the public eye and under public scrutiny. A different standard of behavior is automatically assumed.
This account where I saw this has been posting similar content over the last few months about relationships, toxic behaviors, narcissism, and lack of parenting skills or understanding. There have been posts about being strong, remembering your wants, needs, and desires, and finding someone who understands all of this.
The person seems to be going through something, possibly a relationship ending, and they appear to be lashing out at the other person. That is the vibe I got from these posts.
Yet wouldn’t this be considered “toxic behavior”? The partner in question has not responded in the same way and is quiet on their social media. They have only been posting work-related topics.
All of this reminded me that toxic behavior, narcissistic tendencies, abusive tactics, and bullying are not just masculine behaviors but can also be feminine qualities as well.
In my lifetime, not only within my family dynamics but also within workplaces, I saw these behaviors up close and personal. It ended many job positions, ended friendships, ended my marriage, and eventually cut the ties to my birth family.
In articles I read they mentioned “Emotional Intelligence” when applied to behaviors and relationships.
Emotional intelligence – “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”
Judiciously and empathetically.
Judiciously – “in a way that shows good judgment or discernment; wisely or prudently”. Empathetically – “to understand the feelings of another person and to imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes.”
I am fully aware of my emotions or emotional states and have learned through therapy how to verbally communicate more effectively with others, especially within relationships.
The issue right now is still control over the anxiety and the automatic thoughts that come up. It has caused some issues before with my children and with my relationship. I know that it is still related to the trauma I experienced and it has lessened over time but is still there buried under the surface of my thoughts.
Both my children and my relationship understand this. They have been very understanding, reassuring, and patient with me. I have been working on taking a step back and looking at things from a different perspective to understand why I felt a certain way. Finding the untruths in the thought process to minimize it.
Once I uncover the untruths, I apologize for my behaviors which I never did before. Before therapy, I would quickly lose my temper, clam up, and shut down emotionally. I sometimes would just walk away so I would not have to deal with it.
Twice in my life, I got to the point of being so angry that I saw red or threw things at other people. It was in those moments that I knew that I had to change or I was going to end up hurting someone.
The one thing I could never do to another human being because I know what that was like to be hurt intentionally. I vowed to never get to that point again and I have kept that vow.
People who meet me now find it hard to believe that about me because I did a complete 180-degree change in behavior. I portray myself as a calm, positive person, with lots of goals, ideas, and creativity. This is correct about me now but it took decades to get here.
Decades of therapy, understanding myself, and learning to love myself again. Decades to let go of the negative thoughts, bad memories, and trauma. To go through all the darkness and make it to the light on the other side.
Am I this positive person all the time? Well, no. I still have major depressive disorder, seasonal depression, and anxiety which makes some days harder than the next. I do not lose hope though and I get reminded by my loved ones that I accomplished so much even with the depression. It continues to bring me hope, faith, and belief not only in others but also in myself.
Back to what I was writing about, toxic behaviors in men’s and women’s relationships.
In relationships, if at the beginning questionable things are occurring and nothing is discussed then both silently accept it. These things cannot be brought up many years later as an issue. That is toxic behavior on both.
No rule in life states once we are involved with someone that we have to stay involved. We make that choice of our own accord with all the evidence in front of us. We either accept one another, flaws and all, or we don’t. It is a pretty simple choice and it is in our control. We are responsible for our behaviors and the other person should not try to change who the other person is to meet their ideals.
I know that as an American woman, I can choose while other women in the world may not have the same choices. That is another topic for another day.
In this blog topic, I am writing about how we hold our own selves accountable. Our words should always match our actions. We should have integrity, honesty, and trustworthiness.
When we are wrong or make mistakes, we own up to them. Remember, if you tell lies, they will eventually catch up to you and rarely stay hidden plus it makes it so much easier to be truthful. Less stress and mess.
That is enough of me rambling on for today.
I know that relationships are not easy. Two imperfect people are trying to grow together while still maintaining their individualism. At the end of the day when you look or talk to your person, you will know if it is worth it. You will know if they are the right person for you and are adding value to your life, or not.
Just remember, you are equally important, don’t forget who you are, how far you’ve come, and where you want to go.
Sometimes, we just grow apart and it was only meant to be temporary. It was another life lesson we had to learn.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a fabulous week ahead!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 