Feeling Lost and Alone

March 6, 2025

8:12 am

I have been going to sleep early and waking up early since I got home from the surgery last week. Watching the sunrise again.

During these early morning hours, much introspection and reflection occurred about my life so far.

When I was in the emergency room and the pain was at its worst, the first thought that came to mind was that I wanted my mother there with me. I was afraid of what was happening to me and also afraid of what would happen to my kids. I just wanted someone to comfort me, to hold my hand, and to tell me it was okay.

Then the realization came forward in my thoughts, even if my mother had been there to “help”, it would have come at a great cost to me later. She never wanted me in her family.

When she pretended to care, it was only because she wanted to benefit from the interaction; she wanted to be paid back. It was never about attachment, care, love, compassion, or kindness. It was about money or materialistic things. It was about control and power.

In her eyes, I “owed” her for being born. This is not what I assumed; this was what I had been told several times from the age of 9 onward. She said I should have been grateful to her for keeping me.

After mulling those thoughts over, I realized I did not need her. I have managed my life perfectly fine without any guidance from her. I have been very successful despite the life I lived with her and her family. Despite the years of abuse, trauma, and toxicity she inflicted on me.

In those moments of great pain, I felt this overwhelming sense of being lost and alone and was desperate to hold onto someone or something. A drowning man will seek out anything to save himself. In those moments, I was not drowning; I was reborn and given a second chance.

Today, my perspective is one of hope and happiness. I am not alone. I have my little family and the circle of influence we have created within this group. This includes the friends and family that have remained by our sides all these years.

I do not live an extravagant lifestyle, nor would I want to. I am comfortable, and my needs are being met; that is all I want.

I am in a relationship that exists online and not in real life, but maybe that is for the best right now. I am going through some changes, and including someone else in that equation would be more reactive than proactive. The relationship between me and this person is okay. It could be more, but that is not up to me.

I can do whatever pleases me and makes me happy. My creative endeavors are still in the discovery phase.

The only issue is my health and trying to maintain it. My providers have long insisted that I am diabetic, but now this whole surgery issue has put their diagnoses under scrutiny. I have always believed that pre-diabetic issues can be solved with dietary changes and exercise. This is how I have maintained it for the last 34 years.

A year ago, I started having issues with my A1C being too high and then too low. My glucose readings were low, then high. My cholesterol was wavering on being too high, along with my blood pressure. Then, the two weeks before the surgery, the readings started lowering to normal levels. My cholesterol and blood pressure lowered. My daily glucose levels were normalizing and going back down. The A1C reading was lower than the previous readings and was heading in the right direction.

Today, the readings are still high but less than the previous. I am certain that it is because I am recovering from the surgery. My body is still healing. It will be a while before I feel somewhat normal.

This health issue is my biggest concern at the moment. The recovery process and getting better are at the top of my list.

Proving the providers wrong is on that list. Out of the first generation of grandchildren, myself, siblings, and all the cousins, I am still maintaining my overall health through the same methods. I want to be an example of what you eat and how you treat your body makes a difference. That is what I strive to be, a better example.

I am 53 years old and still relatively healthy overall. I manage my life with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have accomplished what very few have attempted, retiring after serving in the military for 20 years. I have had and raised 4 children with no issues. They are all educated, successful, and good people.

I accomplished this by not letting my mother have any undue influence over me. I did this without her.

I am not lost and alone. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

I have to be more patient and understanding with myself.

Thank you so much for stopping by and supporting this blog.

Have a fabulous week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne