Useful or Useless – Life happens

4/7/2025

11:08 am

I woke up late this morning. I had to rush to get up and get out the door to take my son to work.

I was late because I woke up too early after only 5 hours and had fallen back to sleep. It was during my second attempt at sleeping that I had a bad dream, and I didn’t hear my alarm.

In this dream, I was told that my “usefulness” had run out. I woke up feeling so upset and sad. I am sitting here now, almost 2 hours later, drinking coffee and still trying to be more alert. I decided to sit down and do some writing.

In the dream, it was about my online relationship, but in reality, I have had this thought for quite a while. It comes up in conversations with my son quite often.

I am still accepting the fact that I am no longer working and have been retired due to different disabilities and the struggle to maintain work over the last 12 years. I had been working towards a retirement my whole adult life. This is not exactly how I expected things to go.

I realize that I most likely manifested it this way because I kept putting that request for direction and help out into the Universe during my most difficult life moments. The questions of “What do I do and where do I go?” I was asking for guidance, but not being specific as to what I wanted.

The Universe answered when I was forced to stop working after my shoulder surgery 5 years ago, and then this whole subsequent process of applying for disability. I did not fully recover my mobility and developed other issues.

These limitations played heavily into some of my skills and what I was capable of accomplishing. I could no longer do the same things without pain, mobility issues, and limitations. It was time to let those things go. I was no longer useful in those job positions. I was struggling both physically and mentally.

The harshness of this reality has been hard to accept because my mind still has this knowledge that is slowly losing its vitality. That knowledge will ultimately be useless too. This may seem like a harsh self-realization, but as I get older, I have come to accept it. This is the one thing that most people have trouble accepting as we age. It plays into that need for a sense of purpose.

***Continuation – 4/13/2025, 12:36 am

Since I did not have a plan B for my life and had already accomplished almost all of plan A, it has been a struggle. I have slowly accepted it and started formulating a new plan for the rest of my life. This plan does not involve me being in the center of anything nor taking charge of any program or process. I have done my part by serving my country, being proactive within my community, and raising a family. That is more than most people do in a lifetime.

I am taking it easy and going with the flow creatively every day. I am finally letting that part of my personality come to light. That part of my personality that only came out on rare occasions.

I am slowly accepting that I am not useless and that I still have some useful skills. Skills that can be transferred to other things.

Take, for example, time management and organizational skills. I was exceptionally good at this when I was working, I even got a commendation for utilizing these skills.

I received this commendation because I planned, organized, and implemented the move of my 20-member military unit and equipment to a new location. This was done quickly and efficiently with little downtime. We started early one morning and accomplished it before lunch. We were fully functional by the second half of the day.

I had spent two months mapping everything out, packing nonessentials, and labeling every box with a list of contents. I color-coded everything so when everything arrived at our new location, the different work areas were matched up to the moving boxes.

The unit members were put into color-coded teams representing their job duties and work areas. I also combined the move with a training simulation opportunity for new members by having them follow the guidelines for setting up a field location and familiarizing them with the equipment. This also corresponded with our quarterly equipment checks.

This small accomplishment, along with passing our inspection cycle by revitalizing the unit’s training program, helped garner attention from the fighter wing to which we were assigned. This resulted in a full time job position within the wing’s training section. I became the go-to person for pre-inspections and evaluations.

I assisted in revamping unit programs and helped them stay within guidelines to pass their inspections. These skills and abilities are what helped me avoid the issues that arose as I neared retirement from my last assigned unit. The commanders, officers, and enlisted personnel in the units I helped previously, kept me on track to retirement and avoid backlash from that last unit due to personnel conflicts and issues. They protected me. I am forever grateful for them looking out for me.

I enjoyed my training manager job immensely. I always had a sense of accomplishment when I saw the people I supported become these outstanding and capable airmen that accomplished their personal goals or aspirations.

These management and organizational skills are also how I managed a household of 6 people. All the after-school activities, volunteering at my kids’ schools, attending college, and managing a small business teaching cake decorating. All of this at the same time I was completing my military retirement. I was a busy and determined person.

It was not easy to slow down after I retired from the military, and that is where my work struggles became more apparent. The civilian sector is much less rigid than the military and I butted heads with a lot of manager’s, supervisors, team leaders, and co-workers.

I would constantly try to take several steps ahead to make progress, but others did not work that way. I was told that I was “difficult” to work with, or some felt that I was trying to outdo them or take their jobs. There were many personal biases to overcome where I worked.

These work difficulties exacerbated the struggle with depression and anxiety. The running thought in my mind every time I failed was that I had become “useless”. This stress was just a part of my spiraling down into a deep depression.

It has now been 5 years since my last full-time position. I am happier and have less stress, but sometimes feel like I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I still feel like I have a sense of purpose to fulfill, but I do not know what it is. It makes some days frustrating, but I keep pushing forward.

Nowadays, I use my time management and organization skills to attempt many different art mediums and projects that I eventually may sell, but that’s still a dream at the moment. As I said before, I am just going with the flow.

Another skill that is still useful is researching topics. I do that when I am writing about something, and have also used it to help others with issues they are facing. Giving that small push in a direction they may not have seen. I do not voluntarily do this, but I am willing to help if I can or if I am asked based on what I observe. It just depends on the situation.

The one skill I utilized quite often was writing. It was mainly work topics or academics when I was in college for various subjects. I am now attempting to turn that into a creative outlet. I have only attempted a few short stories or essays. I have attempted poetry and discovered more about this varied writing style than I ever knew existed. The ideal use of this skill would be to author a novel, but that is way into the future. I wanted to take a technical writing course as a part of my degree program, but it was never attempted due to costs.

After I thought through some of these skills that I have, that opinion between useless and useful is now leaning more towards the useful. I just have to revamp what I know and rethink these skills. They can be applied to my plans.

Life happens. We either keep moving with it by learning and growing, or we stand still and try to fight against it.

I prefer to keep moving and see where it takes me.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne