Sunday ramblings, “Felt safety”.

June 15, 2025

9:38 am

It is mid-June, and it is also my eldest child’s birthday today. They are 32 years old today.

Wow! It’s hard to believe that I have a child approaching their mid-30s. I am a proud mom of them and all that they have accomplished thus far. They are currently focused on being an artist and taking a break from working in a corporate structure with deadlines, unrealistic expectations, and no room for growth.

It is something that I have encouraged in all my kids: be who you are and what you want to be. No dream is too big and no aspiration is too small. To just remember to be true to themselves, show compassion for others, and focus on their goals. That is all I ever wanted for my kids.

I am great at encouraging others and helping them find a path to follow. Whether it leads to a successful outcome is always up to them. I just help get things moving or started.

The only issue is following my advice, especially when it comes to relationships with others. That part of my life, I have not been successful at or completely understood.

As I sit here this morning, eating leftovers and drinking hot tea for breakfast, my thoughts turn to my relationships with others. These always turn into self-reflection of all my flaws, and I wonder if that is truly the root of the problem.

I can be stubborn, hard-headed, obstinate, brutally honest, and headstrong. I am also competitive and do not like to lose. As a woman with these qualities, it is hard for me to find my place among others that I encounter both with women and men. At the beginning, it is something that others find interesting, but then it eventually becomes an obstacle, and I am sometimes perceived as a threat to them.

I find this ironic that my personality both attracts then repels people at the same time. This personality is what has caused some of these relationships to end. I would say at least 85% of the time, I have lost job positions, friendships, relationships, and been forced out because of the perception people have of me. A perception that never went past the surface.

They liked me in the beginning, but when I was not willing to change who I was to please them, they realized that I was the same, all the time. Then they no longer saw me as useful. I could not be manipulated by others.

If they had spent any time getting to know the true me, then they would have realized that the trauma I have been through physically, mentally, and emotionally was the reason behind the wall I put up to keep me safe. That learning to put full trust in them was a daunting process for me because of the trauma.

Behind that wall was this person who would be their ride or die. I would defend them, look out for them, care for them, and I liked having a good time. I love laughing, having fun, and just enjoying life. I am creative, like learning new things, and always looking for new experiences. Like I said before, they never got past the surface.

Those are also the thoughts this morning about the relationship that I am in and have been in for over 3 years now. We met online in 2017, went our separate ways on and off for several years, and then he came back again. We haven’t stopped talking since.

This has been the longest relationship that I have had since my divorce in 2015. As in every relationship, we have our moments of misunderstanding, and I am learning to be patient, which is hard for me. I am the kind of person who wants everything to start moving as quickly as possible.

It took me a while to answer the question “Why are you in such a hurry?”.

It has been all the failed relationships from before that make me feel this way. All that angst of not knowing exactly why people left my life, but understanding that they needed to. Also, knowing that some of those relationships were toxic and caused trauma, they had to end for my own sake.

Even when you know the answer, there are still always questions, well, for me that is. Those who left never asked the question “Why”. No long discussions were needed to repair the relationship. They got mad sometimes, called me names, spoke badly about me, and some tried to “ruin” me, but in the end, it didn’t change anything. I continued moving forward, setting new goals, and kept finding things to aspire to.

I have been in a hurry because I want to be settled down. To finally have that stability and safety that drives me to accomplish my goals. To not only realize my full potential in all aspects of my life, but also to feel secure about the decisions that I make or have made.

Having a trauma-filled life never lets you feel completely secure or safe. That is what I realized. It is the innate sense of safety that is born within us, or at least the perception of it that I desire. I have never felt safe.

“Feeling safe is a fundamental human need, vital for both mental and physical health. Safety provides a sense of security and freedom from fear or anxiety, enabling individuals to thrive and function optimally. It influences how we navigate the world, form connections, and pursue our goals. The significance of feeling safe cannot be overstated, as it directly impacts our stress responses, which in turn affect overall health and happiness.” – Mental Health.com.

I know I am physically safe, but the wounds from trauma are still healing and affect my emotional or mental state of being. The key components to “feeling safe”.

Then, when I get into these “moods,” I sometimes automatically replay all the terrible things that people have said to me, done to me, and put me through. It is just the fuel I need to keep pushing harder. To accomplish what I want and put further distance between myself and them. I know it does not matter to them and never will, but for myself, it helps with the healing by covering up the old scars.

I also am a firm believer that things happen the way they are supposed to. That we just keep moving along, making choices and decisions that will lead us to where we need to be.

If we ask the universe for guidance and direction, then we have to be willing to accept the answer we get and be willing to see it. That is what I put out into the universe in February of 2019 when I felt lost and did not know what I wanted. Everything changed after that.

Today, I feel happier, calmer, and the necessities are taken care of. The foundation of that need for stability and security has been met. Everything else that I want, a relationship being one of them, is up to me.

It is up to me because people have free will, and you cannot force someone to love you, care about you, or even like you. That is when you become more in tune with who you want to be around and are no longer willing to just exist in other people’s lives.

This has been the topic of discussion between me and this person for three years now. That we both have the free will to stay or leave. As for myself, all I can do is be honest, truthful, and transparent in both my actions and my words. In turn, that is the same behavior I expect from him.

Granted, not everyone is comfortable with expressing their feelings, but he knows that I understand that. I don’t push the issues, but I also expect some sort of conclusion or understanding between us.

I also do not expect to rehash it again later or use it against each other. We have both agreed that it is not the kind of relationship we want. We have both experienced those types of manipulative relationships, and in the end, someone gets hurt, whether emotionally or mentally.

My tea has gone cold, and my bowl of leftovers has been half eaten.

I have put down all my thoughts. This is a good place to end. I do not think there is much more to say, at least for the moment.

Just some ramblings on this gray and rainy Sunday here in the Midwest.

Thank you for stopping by and supporting this blog.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne