10/18/25
10:59 am
Anger, fury, indignation, rage, wrath, and irascible. These are words that describe someone in an intense emotional state. A person that is hot tempered or quick to anger. This was me most of my life.
By outward appearances most would never believe that is how I could be. It has taken years of therapy and mindfulness to move away from the “hot temper” that caused physical altercations with others and to cool things down.
There is a saying about people who were angered to the point that they “saw red”. This happened to me twice in my lifetime and that is when I knew that I had to get that under control. I wanted to be better person for my kids.
The first time was when I was 18 years old and I was dealing with a family relative and my mother. I had spent hundreds of dollars on materials to make my dress for my Senior prom as well as picking out accessories to match. I had found a seamstress that was going to do it for me and it was all planned out.
I purchased the pattern, cut out all the pattern pieces, and had it ready for the material to be cut and sewn then fitted. It was months of planning. All I had to do was get the money for the deposit dropped off and the materials for her to start. My mother was going to drop it off for me.
I came home from school that day and that’s when my mother told me that the seamstress said she could not do it. My mother said she had an alternate person who could and had made my cousin’s prom dress, my aunt. All we had to do was take the materials to her. She lived almost two hours away but I trusted my mom.
We dropped it off and my aunt said she could have it ready within two weeks. We scheduled a time for the fitting and it would be ready two weeks before the prom.
The day of the fitting came and when I saw the dress, I almost cried. It was not the dress from the pattern I chose, it was the same exact dress my cousin wore to her prom, just a different color. The look on my face told how I felt in that moment.
They told me to try it on. I went to my aunt’s bedroom and looked at the dress. All the scalloped edges on the beautiful lace I had special ordered had been cut off, the tulle that was suppose to be layered to puff out the tea length skirt was not there, the boning was not sewn in for the sweetheart neckline, the wrap that was to accompany the dress was not there, and it was 3 sizes too big. The lace was suppose to cover the whole dress from the neckline to the skirt. It was supposed be a retro 50’s style sweetheart dress.
I never tried it on. I was so angry and everything in the room turned red. I could hear my heart beating loudly, it sounded like rushing water and I was going under. My mother walked in and I turned to look at her. I said “What is this!”. She stopped suddenly and looked scared. Then quickly walking out and shutting the door behind her. The voice I heard was not my own, it was much deeper and monotone.
I walked out with the dress in hand and asked for all my materials back. My aunt handed me a paper bag and said that there was so much leftover material that it was given to one of my cousins. I looked in the bag and all that was left were scraps of the lace, the pattern still in the envelope, and the boning still in the package. I asked her for the deposit back and she said “What deposit?”. In that moment is when I knew that my mother had lied. I grabbed the bag, shoved the dress into it and walked back to the car.
It was a long silent drive home. I was furious.
My mother tried to fix it after I told her husband what happened when we got home. He was mad at her for taking my money, the only time he ever showed any real sympathy towards me. He knew I had been planning it for months and saw how much effort I was putting into it. She took the dress to her friend who was a tailor and she fixed what she could. It was not the dress that I dreamt about but it would have to do.
The second time I let my anger get the best of me and I saw “red” once again was during an argument with my ex-husband. We could never agree on our finances and had differing styles when it came to handling money. I wanted to save up for major purchases, retirement, and the kids expenses. He wanted to spend every bonus he got as soon as possible on “things” such as new TV’s, computers, games, and his own personal needs.
One winter the kids had outgrown their coats and needed new ones. This started an argument when I came home from work and the next thing I knew he was leaving the house all dressed up. I asked him where he was going and he said to his company’s holiday party and I was not going.
I did not know there was a party because he never mentioned it. We had argued the week before about us being invited to the upcoming Wing Commander’s holiday party. I had to turn down the invitation because he refused to go saying those holiday parties were just full of stupid people getting drunk.
After he left, I just sat there in my military uniform after coming home from a long day at work. I called my mother who took the kids to buy new coats, she paid for half of it. I was reminded by her for years about that inconvenience to her even though I had already paid her back.
I sat there and waited for him to come home, still in my uniform. It was after 2 am when he arrived back smelling of alcohol and cigarettes. I guess it triggered me because it reminded me of all the times my parents would come home that way before they would start abusing me or started yelling about things sometimes pulling me out of my bed half asleep.
He looked at me and had a weird expression on his face almost like he was scared. He was moving cautiously across the room away from me. Once again the room had gone red and I heard that same monotone voice again. I said “Your next bonus is going to the kids, no discussion.” He said okay. I went to bed and he slept on the couch for the rest of that week.
It was years later when were having a family dinner that my “anger issues” came up as a joke during a discussion with my brother in-law. Both my mother and my ex-husband said they got scared because my face changed, my eyes went dark, and my voice changed. They never wanted to see me that angry again. My brother in-law just laughed it off. We always got along okay with each other.
Those were the only times I ever let my anger get to that point because I knew if it went too far, I was capable of inflicting harm on someone, and that is not who I wanted to be. I did not want to always be “fighting” with someone.
Life is too short to always be on the edge of reasonable behavior. To always feel like you are on the defensive. It’s stressful and does not bode well for your overall mental health or wellbeing.
It took years of therapy to get to the point where I still get upset but not angry like before when I would shut down or shut people out. I would either walk away or get in people’s face there was never an in between. I learned how to manage it better and talk it through.
It was ironic that I was writing about this topic today when I had an argument with my online relationship. It was a one side argument because he had not been online for a couple of days and I was the one upset. I let anxiety and my seasonal depression plus lack of sleep get to me. I unfollowed him and deleted my text messages, then felt guilty about it. I went back and apologized for my behavior, sent the messages again, and requested to follow his account again.
Then he came online and saw everything getting very upset with me. He has not accepted the follow requests and told me he was too upset to talk, that was over 8 hours ago.
Like I wrote before, life is too short to always be on the defensive. Whatever happens in our relationship, happens. I am no longer willing to be the automatic “peacemaker” in relationships with others. I have reached that age in life where either you accept me or you don’t. My life will continue on with or without others. I prefer with someone but once again that is not up to me.
He knows this because I am very open, honest, and blunt about everything. I don’t sugarcoat things with him, the one thing he says he appreciates about me. We’ll just have to wait and see if that still remains true. After looking over all our emails from the past three years, this is just us and how we handle this long distance relationship, it has not been the first time like this. It’s hard sometimes and conveying your true feeling with only texts and phone calls, does not always show the whole truth.
Well this writing prompt became longer than I anticipated.
Thank you for stopping by and supporting this blog.
Have a wonderful week.
May your actions be purposeful and your words be filled with wisdom.
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 