2/28/26
3:30 am
This thought came up a few minutes ago, it’s that line from Shakespeare’s Hamlet “The lady doth protest too much”. Typically it is understood to mean that “…someone’s excessive, over-the-top denials or promises make their sincerity questionable and suggest the opposite is true” per a Google search.
I write this in reference to my ongoing online relationship drama that unfolded two days ago and the lingering thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I’m still experiencing.
We had a miscommunication due to connection and signal issues during an attempted phone call while I was out shopping and running errands.
A simple thing that blew up into an all out argument between us. I unfollowed him, he unfollowed me, a lot was said between us, hurt feelings were expressed, half hearted apologies were made, we followed each other once more but now only one brief early morning text yesterday and that has been it.
I have been weepy and feeling out of sorts since. I know it is in part due to my hormone replacement therapy and getting over yet another cold. I also know some of his words struck me deeply and made me feel very saddened by it.
Then by yesterday evening I went back through, looking at the conversation thread and realized that once again, I threw out questions about who I thought he really was, but never confirmed, the person from 2017 that I met online.
That moment is when the conversation turned into the bigger hurt feelings. Yet, he never answered my questions, again. Instead, he deflected and it could have been settled with one simple thing, turning on his camera. He turned the conversation onto a different tangent and here I am now, writing about it.
If it was such a source of contention for him, why protest so loudly anytime I bring it up? Why not prove that I am wrong?
Once again though, on my part, I just let it go. I let it go to reach some sort of peaceful resolution. I didn’t push the questions and tried to stay within my boundaries. I wanted the arguing to end.
Yet with every protest by him along with my “coincidental evidence” it just makes the truth more clear. I just keep it tucked away at the back of my thoughts waiting for the day the truth is revealed. Whenever that day happens is still up in the air.
In his texts the past year, it seems like that day is getting closer by his word choices. His hesitation and his worry that I may get impatient and leave before it happens, is always in our conversations or comes up at least once a month, more often than before. It was a part of the argument we had.
All of this could be my wishful thinking and not based in facts. Yet, my gut instinct, tells me differently, and to try to be patient.
I have asked for so many signs from the universe over the years and it keeps bringing me back to him.
Even after that argument, when my son and I left to get out of the house at that early morning hour. Everything was weighing heavily on my mind and I threw out to the universe the usual “what do I do?” question as I was heading out the door.
Then all of a sudden a small plane flew overhead as we were getting into the car. The lights were flashing brightly in the color order of the flag where this online person resides. It was my first thoughts, about the flag. I had no idea it was the standard color requirements of small aircraft, I had to look it up. I have never actually paid attention to it. There it was a bright flashing sign.
Coincidence? Maybe but in all the years we’ve lived here, that is the first low flying plane we’ve encountered at that hour of the morning. We have seen them in the distance but never that close.
It is very early in the morning here and I feel like I’m rambling now.
I saw this post that popped up on my feed yesterday after I attempted to sleep and started me on this rabbit hole of thoughts.
It stuck with me because in our argument he made the comment “…my soul is very sad” This made my heart both ache and break a little. In all the years we’ve been talking to one another, he has never been that open about how he feels. The one thing I wanted him to be, open and honest with his feelings.
This post is also how I’ve always described myself, to be loved, understood, and accepted for just being me.
In that moment of argument, we were both fully ourselves to one another.
In my argument with him, I reminded him, that this relationship continuing on is up to him because I chose him a long time ago. It’s up to him because he chose to keep coming back to find me.
As I wind this down, I am feeling a little better. Getting those thoughts out into the universe. Not letting them linger for too long.
In the end, we will either be together and walk the same path until our last breath or the path will separate.
In the end, we will learn to fully trust each other or learn a lesson about relationships.
Until then, I will keep moving on, staying positive, staying motivated, and doing the best that I can.
Thank you for stopping by and supporting this blog.
Have a great day!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always.
Suzanne
love to bake 