Wistful Wishes

June 4, 2023

11:40 pm

“Sitting here, crying quietly by myself, wishing that things were easier in my life.”

This is how my text and email started.

That moment of wistfulness that comes up when we are not seeing eye to eye but knowing that I am the only one thinking this way. I had not even talked to him today.

My day started okay, busy with schoolwork, making the effort to get everything done before the late-night deadline. Today is the last day of this particular course. A new one starts tomorrow.

I was okay then all of a sudden, almost at the end of this study session, I was not. My thoughts got the better of me and I overreacted, again, then it got worse.

I have struggled financially for quite some time and my car payments were perpetually behind. I was making this huge car payment every month and it just never brought down the overdue balance. It stayed the same for months. Shortly after having moments of doubts and thoughts about the relationship, I looked out my window just in time to see my car being repossessed. The months of struggling with the loan company back and forth finally came to a head and they ended it despite previous conversations about the payments.

I was at a loss but went into automatic mode. Telling my son it would be okay and saying the same to my other kids via text and to my mother whom I have not spoken to in months. She came over to take us to the grocery store after I told her what happened.

In those moments when everything seemed to be falling apart, I was overly calm and focused on what I needed to finish. That is so unlike me. I do not know if it is the meditation that I have been doing, the group therapy sessions, or the knowledge that this is not the first time I have lost a car. I have managed to find another one when needed. Life is what it is, sometimes. We just have to keep moving.

I just wish that I could react the same way when it comes to relationships but knowing that when it comes to matters of the heart, it is messy and can become overcomplicated. I get my feelings hurt and do not like being ignored or misunderstood.

I am a messy, complicated, human being with depression and anxiety. The trifecta of dysfunction.

As I sit here writing through my thoughts and moving away from them, I know it is not over just yet. He has not seen my texts or email. I am just waiting for his response.

We were doing so well the last couple of weeks, with no misunderstandings, happier talks, and just a general sense of well-being, then today happened for me.

I assume that at some point he will just get tired of all of it and I would not blame him. I have never fully blamed them, the men that have come in and out of my life. I knew that I was responsible for my actions and owned up to them but never to the overreactive thinking.

I blamed myself for not dealing with my depression and anxiety sooner and for not facing the trauma that I endured. I refused to admit that my mind was broken and damaged. I never wanted to face it and pretended that I was okay. I lied to myself for years even when others could see it.

Now, I have no problems telling others what I am feeling, thinking, or even assuming. I have become very vocal about my mental well-being to the point that others still shut me out and do not want to hear it. I know it makes them uncomfortable.

I just keep moving on. It is all that any one of us can do, keep taking those steps one at a time. Putting one foot in front of the other until we get where we need to go.

Just trying to remember that tomorrow is another day.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne