A mother’s legacy.

A mother’s legacy.

7/17/2023

11:33 am

I already wrote about some of these thoughts in a previous article but today I needed to get some more things out of my mind.

I woke up after another restless night of sleep.

This happens frequently and I am sort of used to it.  It is the thoughts that flitter through my mind late at night as the root cause.

Insomnia, depression, anxiety, or sadness, whatever you want to call it but at its core is bitterness.

Bitterness – “anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly, resentment.”

This is what my mother left behind for me to sort out, this is her legacy.

Legacy – the long-lasting impact of particular events, actions, etc. that took place in the past, or of a person’s life.

Ten years of therapy to sort out the impact of her legacy that she left for me. It had been hard to face that fact until July 4^th when it finally ended.

That is the day she texted for the last time, once again placing blame on me for her own unscrupulous behavior instead of accepting some sort of responsibility. 

The days, weeks, months, and even years of her half-truths, deception, and amoral behavior towards me as a person, not just her daughter, had finally come to a head and it caused the fractured family relationship to just finally break down completely.

I was not surprised by her reactions because underneath, I expected it.

I had broken off communication with her, her husband, and their daughters several times over the last 9 years because of her mistreatment and behavior towards me.

She was trying to maintain some sort of control over me as she always had but when I started therapy in 2013, the first thing that came up, my relationship with her.

That is when the binds the tied me to her started loosening. I honestly think she knew that but was trying to prevent it anyway she could.

As a parent we have a duty to protect, guide, and love our children.  I know not every parent is equipped with all of these sense of responsibilities but most give it their best.  Parents are people and are fallible. I know this being a parent myself.

Yet, as a human being, we should all know the difference between right and wrong.

My mother knew but chose to ignore it. She did not protect me as a child and allowed her husband to abuse me, all the while being abusive herself, but pretending that she was a victim too.  Yes, I know they, her and her husband, have a toxic relationship. I used to see that as an excuse for her behavior.  Therapy taught me better.

I grew up and what I learned about being a good person was from my grandparents, not my mother. I learned what I needed to know from my relatives to include aunts, uncles, and cousins, not from my mother or her family.

She was hardly ever around until I was 9 or 10 years old and I was forced to live with her. They showed up one late summer evening, packed up my stuff, and took me home with them. I was so upset later when I was told that I was going to live with her from that point on. I cried and wanted to go home back to my grandparents but had no choice.

I truly believe the only reason I was suddenly taken in by her was so that her and her husband could have a live-in babysitter for their daughters. They would sometimes take off on Thursday or a Friday evening and we would sometimes not see them until Sunday afternoon. They always made sure we had food to eat and that the neighbors knew we were there but that was it.

The lifetime of trauma began but I was too young to be aware of it all or its impact.

I could say that the sexual abuse did not start until I was 12 years old but prior to that there was the physical abuse inflicted also by her husband.  If they argued then I got the brunt of his anger. I was his own personal punching bag and she would stand there watching and deciding when I had enough.  Whether it was by his hands, a belt, a switch, a shoe, or whatever was handy in those moments of anger, I was sacrificed so she did not have to be.  She would still end up with bruises, a busted lip, and a black eye but she continued to stay. I used to feel sorry for her but as I got older, I quit trying to understand her. I was just trying to survive.

As I got older, eventually fighting back against him, the physical and sexual abuse stopped but then there was still the emotional and verbal abuse.

Being constantly told how “ugly and dumb” I was, affected my self-esteem and made me painfully shy all through my childhood into my late teens and it also caused anger. I had a short temper and would get into fights. That was finally resolved when I left home at 19 and went into the military but not before the mental damage had been done.  It infected every relationship that I ever had after that.

She did other things that impacted my life and my future, the biggest being changing my name illegally on school paperwork when I began living with her. This was not found out until I enlisted in the military. She said her husband adopted me and it was legally changed but no supporting legal documentation could be found anywhere by the military or the retired FBI agents who did my security clearances. I forever have an alias now. This has to be explained every time I fill out an application requiring my information for everything from credit lines to jobs.  

I spent the next 23 years of my life trying to not face the trauma and its effect on me but finally broke in 2013 at the age of 42.  All that time, she was still indifferent towards me and I was treated so differently from my half-sisters.

If I needed help it always came with strings attached or expectations of more being paid back because I “owed” her. Her other daughters were not treated that way.  I tried to be this amicable person that just wanted to make peace with her and to just feel like I belonged, that I was a part of her family but it never worked. I became a pushover and let her have some sort of control over me. It was toxic.

I remember one time, it was my 39^th birthday, and I had received a free play birthday card from a local casino. I invited her and thought we could make a morning of it, just me and her. I took her to the breakfast buffet and gave her some cash to play with. I tend to go on my birthday because I always seem to be lucky on that day.  We sat down to this bank of machines and I hit a small jackpot, winning a little over $400. I was just so excited about it; it was the biggest win I had ever had. I went to cash it out while she held my machine so we could keep playing. She was busy chatting with the lady next to her. I handed her half of my winnings because I was happy and wanted to share it with her.

She took the money and laughed then turned to the woman and said, “She should give me all of it, she owes me, if it wasn’t for me, she wouldn’t have been born.”  I got so embarrassed, felt my face getting hot, and could feel the sadness welling up.

The fun I was having ended in that moment.

I cashed out my machine and said it was time to go. She did not want to leave, so I told her she could call her husband to pick her up because I was leaving. She rolled her eyes at me and turned to the lady and laughed again, then said “Well, you know how kids are, always in a mood.” She cashed out and we left.

I didn’t talk to her at all on the drive back to her house. Not once did she say thank you, happy birthday, or even show some sort of appreciation towards me. She never apologized for her comment. By her behavior, “I owed her”. That is the same attitude and behavior she always had towards me.

Along with the abuse from her husband when I was a kid, she would sometimes pull me out of my bed after a night of them drinking, sit me down, and proceed to tell me how I ruined her life by being born. She would laugh and blow smoke in my face, force me to drink her beer or smoke a cigarette. She would ask about the abuse from her husband and tell me I deserved it. She would constantly tell me the story about a woman that offered to “buy” me after I was born when she visited her brother in California. That she should have taken the offer.

She would then tell me that “He wouldn’t have left me if it wasn’t for you.” I assume she meant my biological father. She was angry at me and blamed me for her life. I found out later through his obituary that he had been married at the time they got together and I assume it had been just a one-time thing or affair with her. I never met him but he knew of my existence by accident through one of my aunts.

Whether it was school, school functions, birthdays, or holidays, she made sure that I stood out and was made fun of, due to either ill-fitting or inappropriate clothing, my hair, or my glasses.  I always knew that the behavior was on purpose because my half-sisters were never treated that way. Everything they did or were involved with she made sure people knew how proud she was of them and she would go all out for them. The only time she made a show of anything concerning me was when I graduated high school but then she proceeded to tell everyone how much money she had spent on me. I was embarrassed once again by her.

That is my mother’s legacy, a lifetime of abuse, trauma, and abandonment. My life was not filled with a mother’s love or care, instead I grew up with pettiness, mistreatment, toxic behaviors, and indifference. She made sure that my half-sisters never treated me as a sister and put a wedge between us.  

All I could do as I grew and got older was to try and be a better person. To be the best version of myself whether it was through academics, sports, or jobs. I pushed myself to excel in everything that I tried.

To try and be a better mother. It was hard, I struggled, and I made mistakes but my children know that I love them with all my heart and will always be there for them, no matter what. That is why my kids are successful in what they do.

Over the last 6 months I debated on how to proceed forward when the realization that her and her husband are almost 80 years old now and they were pushing me to take care of them. They would do nice things for me like buying me flowers or little Knick knacks, taking me to breakfast, helping me with household things, and I thought we were mending the relationship between us. I was still trying to be hopeful about them as a family.

Then they would start asking me to do things for them right afterwards and if I said “no” they would get upset and angry at me. I realized that I was the only one they were calling for assistance with things. I did not want that responsibility and she has other daughters and older grandchildren that could help them. I believe that I had given enough of my life to them. I was done being that “used person” who owed her nothing.

The last text from her was a result of me forwarding her messages of needing financial help to her daughters so they could assist because I could not, I did not have the means. The talk with their parents apparently did not go well and I got the backlash from all of it and from all of them. I assume that means she either lied and she was once again playing all of us for money as she had done before. This time it did not work and she was caught in a lie, so she lashed out and blamed me for it. She finally realized that I was not the same person anymore.

I guess the internal debate and questioning I had been experiencing the previous months was heard by the Universe because it answered.

It was time to go and finally move on.

In its wake, after that incident, a feeling of bitterness began to rise but this morning I feel better. I woke up today and decided to write how I felt. I decided to put those thoughts about my life with her to rest. To finally voice some of the incidents and let it go.

I had a mother and a father once, my grandparents.

They taught me the values that I have emulated my whole life.

They taught me to be educated and to keep learning.

They taught me to stand up for myself and to keep pushing forward.

They stressed the importance of being involved and remembering my culture.

They showed me how to be graceful, kind, and compassionate towards others.

They taught me how to be a good person and the kind of parent that I wanted to be.

They showed me what a loving relationship was about.

That is all I ever needed.

I just lost sight of it for a little while because of the pain I was living in but now I see it.

Today the bitterness is being replaced with equanimity for the life that I have and for the future that I want.

I have finally been set free.

Thank you so much for stopping by and supporting this blog.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne