Struggle – Positive thoughts and positive actions

8/22/2023

6:52 pm

This post was on my Instagram feed today.

So of course I liked it and shared it to my story. I have developed a habit of seeking out these posts of positive thoughts, finding harmony, and having the right mindset.

It is the habit developed from years of therapy in trying to reconcile trauma and what it did to me, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. To seek out the positives to outweigh the negatives. To find that silver lining.

I was broken for many years with very little self-esteem, self-respect, or a good outlook on life. I was in a very dark place where the light would not go. I was suicidal.

Then through circumstances and quite honestly, a few miracle incidents that saved me, I started swimming up through the darkness and found not only myself but the light again. This is what I thought.

Today, I realized that I am still struggling with some things.

It started out as a positive, happy, and exciting day for me.

I have been in this musical therapy retreat for over a month now, learning some basic guitar, and how to incorporate it into another mindfulness practice. Another tool to use in my recovery process.

This whole program was to culminate into a virtual concert. We wrote a song with a songwriter and it was going to be played today. I sent out invitation links to my children, relatives, and other acquaintances.

My son happened to have a job interview this morning so that was our first task today. Then we were going to grab bite for lunch and go home to wait for the concert to start.

We had planned on going to the in person reception and await the concert. All the participants online or in person were going to introduce themselves and talk about he inspiration behind their songs then introduce the songwriter who would be singing the song.

I was enjoying the whole process and had been excitedly sharing my enthusiasm with my kids and the person that I was still talking to online. Yes, that person was still in my life.

That excitement and enthusiasm was deflated about two hours before the event.

I had seen a post on Instagram involving the person in question and it was upsetting to me. We had just gone through this whole back and forth recently about the lack of talking to one another plus his lack of honesty with me about his true life. Then there it was, another post.

I got so upset because I felt so foolish. The words of my ex-husband “No one will want you; you are not beautiful enough.” immediately began echoing in my thoughts.

I felt so rejected and alone that any happiness that I may have had was gone.

I emailed the coordinator and told her I wouldn’t be able to attend. I told her to give my best wishes to the songwriter and to thank her for me.

Afterwards, I went to my room, shut the blinds and drew the curtains. I laid there and cried until I fell asleep.

I woke up and the concert was over.

I felt angry and just sadness. Just before I laid down and cried, I had sent a screenshot of that post with a comment to the person but he never responded. It says he saw it. That was hours ago.

I originally unfollowed and blocked him but went back to just unfollow instead. I told him before that I would not block him, I could still stay true to my own words, but I never said that I would continue to talk to him. I will just leave it the way it is.

As I sit here writing this, tears are still welling up, and I can’t help the way I feel, alone and tired.

Tired of letting people treat me like I was nothing. Always reverting back to those feelings and behaviors of trying to make people “like” me. A bad habit from being desperate to just be a part of something, to feel like I belonged.

It has been the same pattern, my whole life, and I’m tired of feeling like this. I am better off just being alone. Just living my life on my own terms and not worrying about anyone else but myself.

To accept that lasting love, friendships, relationships, and marriage is not for me. To remember that I have already experienced all of that. Maybe that was all there was supposed to be, there was never meant to be more.

That the only important people in my life will always be my children.

That I may not be pretty but we are all flawed in some way.

That I may not be wealthy or famous but I have everything that I need to live comfortably for the rest of my life.

That I may not be young but my life has had more experiences than most people will ever know.

That I may not always be “happy” because I have been broken down by others but I always get back up and keep moving.

That I may have sunk to the deepest depths of despair before but fought my way back up again. I know what the darkness brings and choose the light instead.

That I am stronger than most.

That I am in charge of my life and no one else is.

That I can include you in my life with honesty and truthfulness but the rest is up to you.

That I am “Beautiful in my own way, creative, and smart enough” but ultimately the choice to include you in my life is mine, not yours.

That much I have learned in ten years of therapy.

Thank you for stopping by and have a good week!

Suzanne