Second option. Second choice.

9/25/2023

2:24 PM

I was so tired yesterday and anxiety was high. I finally fell asleep at around 3 this morning despite being emotionally and physically exhausted.

I have only been up a few hours, waking up at around 11 this morning.

As I was standing there looking at myself in the mirror before I took a shower, the thoughts were about my negative self-image.

I have to remember that I am 52 years old, I gave birth to 4 children, and I have suffered major depression for most of my life. I am also a person of color, a minority. I grew up in a toxic environment filled with abuse in many forms. I did not have many advantages as a younger person and had to make my way. Yet despite all of this I have survived, I am still here and still moving forward.

The negative self-image and lack of self-esteem are lopsided. There are days that I do not feel that way if I compare myself to others that I know. I know that I am no beauty queen and never strived to be. I was always okay with how I looked, how I dressed, and who I knew I was as a person.

I am stubborn, strong-willed, and very opinionated to the point of being overly blunt sometimes. I grew up believing that becoming knowledgeable, putting in the hard work, helping others, and being honest were the most important things to do.

I know that I am sometimes brutally honest and it can be a problem for others. If you are honest then there is no reason to tell lies and have to keep track of them because they build over time.

I believe if you put out positive vibes into the universe it will come back positive.

This is how I have lived my life thus far.

Then there are moments, like this morning while looking at myself in the mirror, when those negative thoughts are there, even just briefly.

I stood there looking at the scars, wrinkles, gray hair, and out-of-shape body. The old woman in the mirror staring back. Then the thought of always being that second option or second choice was there for a brief second.

Growing up, I was that kid who never got picked for any activity, I was always the last choice. I remember the other kids groaning or rolling their eyes when I had to be in their groups or on their teams.

I was always a little taller than the other kids, wore glasses, and hand-me-downs. Not feeling accepted by my peers made my shyness worse and just made me angrier. I had a temper and now know it was an automatic response to being hurt. I just did not know it at that time. I always thought there was something wrong with me and I just wasn’t good enough, was the wrong color, and was too poor.

Those are harsh thoughts to have about yourself when you are forming your worldview.

Then I went through the worst moments at the hands of my mother and her husband. I was once again just a second option. I grew up mostly with relatives because my mother did not want me. She blamed me for all the wrong things in her life, even the abuse her husband inflicted on me. She abandoned me and went off to start a new life with her husband and their two girls. It was that way until she suddenly decided to come and get me one summer night.

I found out later, as I got older, that at that same time, our tribe had won a settlement and everyone was given a payment. The children of the tribe had their money put into a trust fund for them until they turned eighteen. It was never about wanting to make amends or include me in her life, it was only about the money she expected to receive when I turned 18.

I remember when I received my funds. I had my uncle help me put some into an account so I would have it when I left for the military. I was completely out of money and broke by the time I left for military basic training a year later. I was still living at home at that time and was told that I “owed” them money for raising me. It was a daily fight and argument over money. Once it was gone, I was no longer useful. Once again, I was just another option.

I survived it though and moved on with my plans to leave. I left for three years and traveled through the military from one coastline to the other and across the “big pond” as my grandma called it. Despite being on my own and doing my own thing, I still struggled with self-esteem and depression.

I went through many relationships and friendships, never finding a lasting one. The people I met along the way liked me in the beginning until someone new came along. I was never anyone’s first choice and just became an option if things were not working out for them or they needed something. The only positive that came out of that experience was my first child. If I had not gotten pregnant, I do not think that I would have survived. That has always been my saving grace.

Then my life moved on and I went back home to start a new life. I eventually started a new relationship four years later. I was just his in-between or rebound person. He was in the middle of getting a divorce and he had three children already. I found this out after we had already been dating a few months.

After a year in that relationship, we broke up. Shortly after, I found out about my daughter. That was a happy surprise and I was going to have two wonderful babies. The father did not want to have anything to do with us and he never did. I raised and took care of all of us. We did not need anyone.

When I met my future husband at work, my daughter was three months old. It was a whirlwind romance and we got married pretty quickly. Eventually, we had two more babies and my little family was continuing to grow.

It was in year five of the seventeen years of marriage when things turned. I began living alone in my marriage. He stopped being there or paying attention, there was no relationship between us. Years later, when he passed away after our divorce, is when I found out about all the previous relationships. He had been involved with others during our entire marriage.

I was hurt at first. After the anger wore off, I remembered that when we met, he had just ended a long-term relationship with someone. He had been engaged and lived with that person for more than three years. I was always just the second option that came along.

I kept struggling to move along after the separation and eventual divorce. I made the mistake of getting involved with a long-time friend from work. He was married and lied about their relationship. Deep down inside, I knew the truth, but was going through a personal crisis.

I did not care and accepted that I was this option to him. I would never be his choice and just waited for him to finally end it. He did, two years later, and it was an ugly incident. I was not proud of my behavior and apologized to his wife. Life continued.

The last seven years have been this endless back and forth with people. Trying to form friendships and relationships, and just holding onto the people in my life. Always doubting who I am and what I mean to others.

It’s hard. It’s hard to feel like I’m always just an optional person to others. Never their first choice and disposable if needed. Letting those negative self-talk in my thoughts interfere.

It is in those moments of self-doubt, low self-esteem, and feeling rejected that I have to reach deep down inside to find that strength. That strength to pull myself back up and keep going.

To reach deep down inside and remember to be proud of myself. The things I have accomplished and the goals I reached. The things that I did on my own and without support from others. If these are the only things that I leave behind then I am okay with that.

I know that life is not perfect. In reality, we are born alone and we die alone. There is no escaping that truth.

The only thing that matters is how we spend the time we are given in between those moments.

The memories we create and share.

The love we give and receive.

The happiness, laughter, and good vibes we send out into the universe.

The goodness we can be and personify.

The service or guidance we can provide others.

To become the best human beings we can be.

Thank you so much for stopping by and supporting my little blog of random thoughts. 🙂

Have a fantastic week ahead!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne