Self

Self

11/28/2023

10:32 pm

It is a late Tuesday evening.

My son came home from school, ate briefly, then went to take a nap on my bed.  He’s still asleep.  I did not want to disturb him. 

He does not get enough restful sleep and is tired most of the time from sleeping on our living room couch. He still needs a proper bed because we had to get rid of the other one. The former neighbors that moved a couple of months ago had bed bugs. It invaded his room and several treatments later it is finally clear but beds are expensive. Thankfully my room was spared in that process.

So I patiently wait for him to wake up and begin his night owl routine.

I cannot function if I stay up all hours of the night because it is hard for me to sleep during the day.  Once the sun is up, so am I.

As I wandered around the apartment this evening, being greatly aware of the quietness, as usual, my thoughts were in high gear. 

It sometimes comes back to my self-awareness or self-consciousness.

There are days when I doubt myself greatly and it turns into these anxiety-filled moments.  I feel panicked and keep telling myself “What’s the point?”.  Then I feel guilty for thinking that way and struggle to see the positive parts of myself.  I tend to forget the successes that I have achieved over my lifetime.

It begins this dwelling on the negative aspects and personal history, the failures.

It is the one thing that I struggle with despite the years of therapy. The last psychiatrist said it would take more practice for me to shut down those automatic thoughts because it is related to trauma.  All I know is that it does not last as long as before.

Previously when these thoughts would come up, it would send me into these depressive or anxiety-filled episodes that would last for weeks. I was unaware that I had been in a depressive state for many years. I had lost numerous jobs due to those moments. I just could not function.

In those low moments I would barely get out of the house, stay in bed, and be weepy.  It was hard trying to manage through that, be a mom, be a wife, be in the military, and be in charge of our household. I do not know how I managed.

Now, it takes me a little while to regroup and refocus, sometimes lasting maybe a day at the most. It is tremendous progress and that I can feel good and positive about. I feel so much better than I did before. My thoughts are much clearer.

These days most of my self-doubt is more related to my health, fitness, and overall well-being.  I started walking again and have already lost 5 pounds. I know the first 20 is usually not hard to lose if I stick with the portion sizes, drink more water, do not eat past 8 pm, and keep walking. It is the beyond 20 pounds that is usually the struggle.

I realized over the last few weeks that I was just tired of being tired. I am not looking to completely transform myself. I just want to feel healthier and to be able to wear my favorite clothing again. 

I don’t want to feel winded going up my stairs or walking around the grocery store. I want to sleep better. I started to feel better after the first two weeks of walking. My hips and knees feel better and are not as stiff. The injured arm is still the same but the tremors have lessened which is good.

I did have to adjust my walking schedule for this week.  At the end of last week, I was about to turn and walk down the street that runs between our apartment complex and the apartments behind us when I saw a car parked there. It was not there when I first walked through, it was on the return. I could see that there were two people in the car and they were facing away from the intersection. There is an occasional work truck or city workers on that road but never just parked cars.  It is a side street to the main thoroughfare.

If they had been parked further down I do not think I would have noticed it much.  Instead, there is this tree next to the fence line that got partially blown down into the road from a storm during the summer and you cannot see past it until you reach it. The city has still not taken it down completely. That is where the car was parked, right behind the tree.

I quickly turned and went the other way on the main road by the complex. The car pulled off and drove away in the other direction. I saw a car again today that was the same color, I do not know if it was the same one, when I was coming back from walking but thankfully there was construction and other people around so I cut through the parking lots to get back to our complex which is now gated and not open anymore. The car went in the opposite direction again.

I told my son about it last week and he is very concerned about it. It could be nothing and my imagination is getting the better of me. It could have been just random people parked there. I do not know. He said that he wanted me to wait for him to walk after his classes were done at around 3 pm. I guess I can do other exercises and meditation in the mornings and put off walking in the afternoon. Better safe than sorry. I did not tell him about the car today.  I will just change my schedule.

That is the only problem that I have encountered in my walks before. Odd occurrences and being approached by people while I was walking. I had to stop walking at this water reservoir because a few times when I came back around to the parking area, the people that were there when I started had already left and I was the only one out there. It is a 2.5-mile pathway.  

Another time, a person who approached me as I was walking, was just standing there by their car, like they were waiting. It made me uneasy and thankfully other cars and people showed up at that moment. The person left. I pretended I was on my phone talking to someone and stopped before getting to the parking lot, keeping my eye on them. That’s when I started wearing my veteran’s hat. People tend to avoid making eye contact or approach me when I do.

I still have yet to find a workout buddy to join in these walks. Others did not last but a few times before they quit. I do not think it is very far but I guess anything beyond a mile is too much for some.  My walks range from 2 to 5 miles.  I’m trying to build back up to running again.

The goal is to run a 5 and a 10k.  I would like to join my daughters in one of these events.  They both run these events together.

My eldest child was worried about these incidents as well previously. They keep suggesting that I get a dog to take with me. I live in an apartment and I just do not think it would be feasible with two housecats. That discussion is on the back burner. There have also been ongoing discussions about me joining a gym so I am not out in the open walking. I hate walking on treadmills.

That is an issue, people just do not feel safe. I do not know what happened or when that changed. I was never afraid to be on my own, ever. Now, everyone seems to be living in fear. I have never been afraid to defend myself if necessary.

I feel like my children are under the misconception that I am this frail, old woman with an injured arm. It almost seems as if they think I cannot take care of myself sometimes. The online person I am talking to has voiced his concerns about the same thing. I think everyone is just too overly cautious and I know how to be aware of my surroundings.  I was in the military for twenty years; I think they instilled enough situational awareness into us so we will never forget.

I have gone off on a tangent. 

I was talking about self-awareness. This can incorporate many numerous aspects but for me, it is about acceptance of who I am as a person and not holding back anymore. 

To not have that self-doubt about my capabilities.

To not doubt myself as a woman.

To remember who I am, what I survived, and how much I have accomplished in my lifetime thus far.

To remember that I still have that desire, drive, and sense of purpose to fulfill.

To not be afraid of relationships by allowing myself to be open, vulnerable, and accept others into my life fully and wholly.

To remember that we all take a chance on one another. That is what makes us human. 

We do not always have the answers, sometimes we are wrong, and we learn humility through making mistakes. That is the only way we grow.

That self is just remembering who we are deep down inside. We are all flawed and imperfect but we can still accomplish what we set our minds to. That takes discipline, dedication, and finally deciding to change.

I just have to remember to be flexible and willing to change direction if needed or necessary.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne