Motherhood, Fatherhood, or is it just Guardians?

12/27/2023

1:41 pm

The biggest holiday of the year is finally over and now we are heading into a new year.

I was scrolling through social media the other day and noticed numerous posts about moms and how they handle the holiday season.

The posts were meant to poke fun at the haggard moms out there and some of the things they do. Surviving on 4 hours of sleep, Starbucks, and day-old bagels with unwashed hair.

Then there were those struggling in the stores with children and an overloaded cart. All the while trying to make the holidays bigger and better than the year before. There were also posts about single mothers and how they were handling life with children, ex-boyfriends, baby daddies, and ex-spouses.

As a former haggard holiday housewife, I did not find it amusing. I found it kind of sad.

As a single person, you have choices of what you want to do, who you want to be with, and where you want to be in life. In the eyes of society though, as a single woman, your sole purpose is to eventually become a wife and mother. That is the narrative that is played out in every country, culture, and religious belief system.

If you don’t follow these so-called “Norms” then you are outcasted or automatically pigeonholed into this stereotypical old maid or spinster with many cats as your only companions. If you are a career-focused woman then there is an array of colorful words to describe you. If you date a lot of people then there are even more not-so-nice words to describe you as well.

The thing that all these posts forgot to mention is to bring up a child with care and affection, to look after kindly and protectively, to give birth to, the definition of a mother.

Mothers are automatically responsible for the care of everyone in their household including the Fathers. It has never been this equal sharing of responsibility and I see it is finally slowly changing. The family dynamic can no longer support these “traditional” notions of what it means to be in these so-called roles. The post-pandemic world changed how we view not only each other but what we think of ourselves. We realized that some things were not that important anymore while others found their purpose.

Then there are others out there who are still taking advantage of the current state of affairs by building even more wealth. Yet they forget, the pandemic did not care about your bottom line, your net worth, your fame, your fortune, your looks, or your zip code. Life and death will still happen. We cannot control it no matter how big your army is, how much technology you develop, or how much power you have. Sorry, went off on a tangent, jumping off that soapbox for another day.

Even as a retired empty nester, I still follow under the title “Mother” and it is still a struggle to balance my life with theirs. There is this expectation that my life has somehow suddenly become easier but in reality, it is still a struggle.

I still have not fully recovered my arm, post-surgery three years ago, while struggling to get appropriate care and follow-up.

I am still unemployed but on a set VA disability, my only income, while costs continue to climb.

I am still failing financially and have had to rely on assistance from family, friends, and government programs. I am still fighting government red tape to further receive assistance.

I still struggle with major depressive disorder and anxiety. My life is not easier just because they grew up and moved away. Instead, the Universe decided to throw some new things at me to fight through, to learn a lesson from, or to develop a new ideology about.

Yet despite my dissatisfaction and whining about my life, out there right now, there is a mother just trying to survive her day and protect her children and family the best way she can. It is an overwhelming thought that keeps me moving every day. It puts a lot of things into perspective. It is the thing I meditate on in the mornings about and send good thoughts, good vibes, and good energy towards.

This holiday season further put those thoughts into perspective for me because it was the first time in my life that I did not see or have anything to do with my parents or siblings. I know our relationship with one another was toxic, hurtful, stunted, and unproductive. I know that despite the best efforts to keep peace between us, it takes all parties to agree to that, and it didn’t happen.

It was still a habit that had developed over 53 years of living and being related to them. It was something that was automatically expected to happen every holiday season. It was the only time when there was a sort of truce between us, not for us, but for the grandchildren. As four mothers, we came together and did our best to make it a festive celebration and homecoming for everyone.

There have only been 5 other incidents in my life where it didn’t happen, when I was traveling in the military, during my separation, and after my divorce. Yet this time, I know it is permanent. That was the hard part, knowing that I was alone in my role as a mother going forward. The village shut down and was condemned.

This is a one-sided perspective though. Out there right now is a father who is experiencing the same things but his role as the “man” is being challenged not only by society but also within himself.

The misguided and unrealistic ideals of patriarchy has led many men into a violent co-existence with one another. They are suffering along with their families, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and fellow citizens. Ego is dashing their hopes and dreams.

They are not at peace and rightly deserve to be just like anyone else in the world. Society has expected them to lead us but in doing so has changed the family and community structure, possibly beyond repair.

These are just my thoughts though, my perspective on what I see. This idea may be under the influence of my own life experiences and what I have seen in my 53 years of living.

What I do know is that to change what we don’t like about our society and world; it is going to take many different perspectives to agree upon what our next step is moving forward.

It is in these perspectives we have to remember to bring up a child with care and affection, to look after kindly and protectively, to give birth to. To be mothers, fathers, and caretakers. To be guardians of our future. It relies on it.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week, happy holidays, and a fabulous new year!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne