7/6/2024
2:20 pm
It is a beautiful blue skies, white puffy clouds, kind of day.
I’m sitting here listening to my classical music strings playlist as I write.
The hot tea is finally cooling down enough to take a few sips.
This, to me, is the perfect Saturday afternoon. Quiet, peaceful, relaxed, and calm.
This has always been one of my aspirations, to live a quiet life, be free to write, and be creative whenever possible.
Most would find this too slow or possibly boring. I know previous friendships and relationships never appreciated quiet moments. It is why we were so indifferent to one another. They wanted to be on the go, which I enjoy occasionally, but most of the time, I wanted peace of mind.
I realized it was about stability and safety a long time ago, knowing that things were okay and manageable, the reason behind my anxiety-filled moments. I had grown up being constantly moved around to other relatives and family, not knowing my mother or her new family. I was the outsider to her life and this was where I remained for over 50 years. That finally ended with them last year. My life has been better because of it.
Now, I look toward my aspirations, goals, and commitments.
My aspiration has always been to be a productive member of society, to give back, to be of help to others, and to make a difference in the lives of others. This requires a servant-minded way of thinking. The caveat is to be helpful but not to the point of being a pushover. I know my boundaries and what I am willing to do to help. The minute boundaries are overstepped, I push back and stand my ground. That is the fighter in me, the side that does not take any BS from anyone.
The goal is to be financially stable overall and I am almost there. Financial stability, to me, is having the bills paid each month, my personal needs met, and having small savings for emergencies. That’s it. Nowhere in there is an indulgent lifestyle of traveling, buying expensive things, or living in a 7-room home with a fabulous seaside view. That is the dreams of others and not mine. I say this because, in reality, we cannot take these things with us, no one cares about it, and it makes no real difference to who you are, as a person.
Commitment is the underlying core value of all of this. My family is always first before anyone else. It has not changed in over 30 years and there are no plans to change it. My relationship with others is a part of this commitment. If I have trusted you enough to be considered a part of my family then it is up to you to remain trustworthy. I cannot control others and what they do. I can only trust them. That has been the hardest for me because of trauma. I make this clear to others and can only assume that they fully understand.
When I was in my early to mid-twenties the aspirations were vastly different. I was selfish, egocentric, aggressive, and competitive. I wanted to be the best at everything and no one was going to get in my way. Through therapy, I realized that anger was the underlying cause due to, once again, trauma. That changed drastically the day I found out I was going to become a mother. Changes had to be made and it was no longer, just about me. It was a struggle though; the anxiety and depression grew over time.
Then as I got into my early forties, I knew it was time for a complete change from the path I was walking on, not only for the sake of my children but for mine as well. I left my marriage, left my home, retired from my career, and started over. It was hard and the depression almost became the end of me but like I said before, I am a fighter. Always have been and always will be. I refused to give up and kept pushing forward.
I spent the better part of a decade fighting against the deep dark thoughts and found the light again. I found myself again and a new path to walk.
I started rebuilding and believing again in humanity as well as myself. That there is a purpose for me being here and my job was to find it. Despite these newly founded thoughts and ideas, the last few years have been a struggle. The effects of always being a hard-working, hard-charging individual started coming back to me. My body was too overworked and my strength was not what it used to be, this caused injury and added to my depression and anxiety. That is when the universe told me to rest.
Yet, that is not me. I am mentally, constantly on the go, with a million ideas, and thoughts, and seeking out knowledge but there is not enough time in the day. Always gaining new skills and learning something new every day. My children, all adults now, think that I may have ADHD. I don’t know, maybe, it could explain some things.
I have had many moments of introspection, and reflection on my life, and turned inward to see what is there. It has caused some struggle. In my mind, if I am not constantly busy, then I am not useful. That has been the hardest part to overcome, the notion that being purposeful somehow requires one to be constantly tired, overwhelmed, overworked, and underpaid. That is what society tells us and for some reason, we believe it. It is not true.
We as human beings are only given a moment in time to live and we do not control the time limit. Our purpose is not defined and we struggle with that truth. What can be defined is our own goals, aspirations, and commitments, we decide on those. We decide how we want to live, who we live with, who we love, and how we treat each other.
As I wrote before “…my aspiration, is to live a quiet life, be free to write, and be creative whenever possible…” that is where I am now, in this moment, writing this, drinking my hot tea, listening to my playlist, and looking out the window at the blue skies.
I am at peace.
I am calm.
My mind is quiet today.
Thank you so much for stopping by and supporting this blog.
Have a wonderful day!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 