8/7/2024
3:57 am
Sleep disruption again the past few weeks. Getting sleepy and napping during the late afternoon into the early evening is the main cause. Depression, anxiety, and stress have been high on some days.
This emotional rollercoaster has caused quite a few miscommunication moments between myself and the person I am in a relationship with. Self-doubt and lack of self-esteem sometimes hinder things, no matter how much reassurance, love, and kindness I receive from him and my children.
Overall, the relationship has been steady for more than two years now. We have had moments where my anxiety has caused some hurt feelings for both of us. I know this is my flaw when it comes to relationships with others. The tendency to close myself off, put up those walls, and make assumptions while having no proof of any wrongdoing. It is a defense mechanism learned through trauma.
It is the center of most of my therapy sessions, trust issues. I can work out the thoughts and misperceptions through what I have learned in my counseling. It is the words that have been spoken that cannot be taken back no matter how many apologies are given. That will still linger in my thoughts.
I woke up today after an extended nap and read his messages. Instead of just being happy to hear from him, those doubts were automatically there and that is how I responded. It was more negative than positive. I did not take the time to step back before reacting.
He has told me previously that he wants to know these thoughts and feelings so he can understand me better. He earnestly wants to make things better for me. I sometimes will delete what I have texted him in those high-anxiety moments but he has told me to leave them, so he can try to help or at least try to understand.
He has said many times that the others he dated before never told him how they felt or were upfront with him. He stated they only wanted him to provide things to them or expected things from him. He has said that he appreciates that the most about me. I am very forward, honest, and truthful with him about what I think or feel. He has stated more than once that he likes the fact that he knows where he stands with me. I make sure we settle any disagreements before we move on. I show appreciation and care for his overall well-being.
We both have experienced others holding things over us and bringing it up months later in other arguments we may get into. In my experience, it made things mentally and emotionally draining.
I sometimes feel that he does not understand that the depression and anxiety will not just go away just by being happy. He knows that I can manage it and understands that I am down every day. That a majority of the time, I am fine and actually happy with my life.
I worry that one day he may just give up trying to understand me and leave. It is an unreasonable assumption on my part because I have to look at our history with one another. He is still here and says he is not going anywhere despite this worry of mine. I have to trust that is his truth. It is just small steps every day.
Today, after I vented how I felt, a quote came to mind that was sent to me once before. “…the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage
I sent him this quote and also asked the question, “What if the person you meet is dulled, plain, and damaged and not that sparkly but underneath there is still goodness at the core?” “What if they just need someone to help them find that sparkle again?” “Is it worth it?”
That was hours ago, and he has not seen it yet to respond.
So what do you do if you are involved with someone who is outwardly scarred and damaged but underneath that, there are good qualities?
I know as individuals; we are responsible for our happiness but what if your whole life’s interactions and relationships have been based on the outward appearance and not what’s underneath?
What if these relationships have been based on superficial things such as what you do for them, how you make them feel, or how you support them without thinking about your own needs?
I know from my own experience that is how my relationships with others were. It was not until I started therapy that I realized this and started taking steps to find my true voice. I started taking steps to find myself again.
This journey has made me more aware of the effects that trauma truly had on me overall.
These are just some of the things that I went through while surviving the trauma:
- Becoming overly competitive and sometimes combative through excelling at things but not feeling very accomplished at the same time.
- The toxic and abusive relationships with my parents and half-siblings.
- The failed relationships, infidelity, and abusive marriage.
- The self-doubts, low self-esteem, and low self-worth that precipitated suicidal ideation.
These are things that dulled my outward appearance to the point that I felt like I was not seen. It was hard to combat those feelings. As I previously wrote, small steps every day.
Then one day, I met this person who genuinely seemed interested in knowing me. It was overwhelming and I shied away from it, ending that interaction. I was newly divorced, my ex just passed away, still in a mourning phase, and still understanding my depression through therapy. I just was not ready to dive into a relationship being on such unsteady ground.
Many years later, this person came back to me again, and the whole world fell apart due to the pandemic. He suddenly was going through a life crisis moment. It was bad timing and it ended again.
Then at the end of June 2022, he came back, once more. This time we were both steady and things have been moving slowly. I am still finding my footing with new issues in my life but it has not deterred my desire to be in a relationship with him. He has finally decided what he wants his life to be like and is taking those steps to achieve it. We have begun to understand each other better.
If I were to make a prediction, I feel like we are both heading in the right direction, despite my anxiety-filled moments from time to time. As long as we stay on the same page together, then we will achieve whatever plans we are making.
When things are moving smoothly, I feel calm and confident in my interactions with him. If things are rocky, he becomes the voice of reason in our discussions. His reassurance makes me feel it is no longer always my responsibility to fix issues as I did before.
I would always take the blame just to keep the peace in previous relationships. Then there were moments when I would be so obstinate or harsh that I would not budge or apologize. I am no longer want to be that person. I apologize when I am wrong and expect the same in return.
If a relationship is to work, there must be an equal give and take. It is not always 50/50, some days one has to be 80 if the other is only at 20. It is about taking two separate lives, personalities, flaws, and ideologies to combine them into one relationship. If neither is willing to do the work to make it succeed, then what is the point? Stay single and keep moving is the only other option.
The question that I posed was about what you do if the person is dulled by life, plain, and damaged.
The answer is time.
Time to listen and understand.
Time for the person to be comfortable and develop trust.
Time to see if the compatibility is there or not.
Time for a person to reveal the goodness underneath.
Time sometimes does heal all wounds but some scars may remain.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Have a wonderful week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 