8/11/2024
5:38 pm
I just saw this prompt, but I missed the cut-off for submitting a writing.
It is a good topic and I immediately knew what word I wanted to write about.
Toxic – very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.
This is the definition of the word as it pertains to how we interact and deal with one another.
We all know someone or met someone who possibly fits this definition. That person we avoid at all costs if we can help it.
I have written about the environment that I grew up in that could be considered toxic.
It was due to the dysfunctional dynamics of the family I was born into. Those issues compounded each year until we finally agreed to no longer have anything to do with one another. The parting of ways is what helped settle a majority of the anxiety and stress I had daily.
The only issue is when we got along with one another, they were still my family. It has been a bitter pill to swallow knowing that it could not be settled amicably.
It was in those moments when it wasn’t working that the communication broke down and no one liked one another. At the forefront of it was manipulation, gaslighting, and verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. Under the surface, there were also hints of envy, one-upmanship, spite, and greed. If you break that down further, at its core was insecurity, resentment, rivalry, and bitterness. Life was not what they expected and they believed they were owed more.
I was always different and not like them because I learned a long time ago that life is just life. How it turns out is up to us as individuals and no one brings our happiness, we are responsible for all of it. The only thing I ever wanted from them was kindness, care, and friendship.
Today, during my talk with my person, he kept saying that he was toxic during our disagreement about the miscommunication we have had lately. I posed the question to him “Who said you were toxic”? I reminded him that he knows about the family dynamic I grew up in and in all our interactions with each other, he is not a toxic person.
I realized that in his life or maybe in his previous relationships, instead of working things out and talking things through he possibly took the blame on himself. This or he was told he was “toxic” for not agreeing. It is an abuse tactic also known as gaslighting, another word that is thrown out to describe miscommunication between individuals.
We talked about it and he opened up a little more. The disagreement was settled and we moved on. That is what grown up conversations are supposed to be like or am I incorrect? I have made it clear from the beginning that I want all disagreements settled before we move on. This I learned from the many previous relationships. My grandmother always told me to never go to bed angry with your spouse, partner, or loved ones because tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Instead of just automatically labeling the behavior of an individual as “toxic” why do we not just step back and see what is really going on? The person may feel misunderstood, be angry, feel left out of the conversation in some way or they may actually need help.
I understand that some individuals are abusive to the people in their life and it is sometimes more than just words but a person just doesn’t suddenly change overnight. If they are this way at the beginning of the relationship and stay that way, that is their personality. That is when you decide to stay or go. I know there can be a million reasons not to go, I used the same excuses before I finally left my marriage. I also used those same excuses to explain my family’s behavior towards me. Even after directly confronting the issues with them, it still did not make a difference.
There are individuals who are not comfortable with expressing their thoughts, feelings, or emotions fully. It takes practice and you have to feel completely safe and comfortable with the person you are talking to.
This is where the fallacy of so called “norms” of expected behaviors comes into play. The stereotypes of how we are supposed to behave or act based on whatever criteria is being applied to us. This is where these expectations fail. We are individuals with our own thoughts and ideas, it does not follow a norm.
After our discussion today, he said he felt better about things and he finally understood my point of view. I joked that I was not always this way, insisting on talking it out. I used to be a truly angry person with a temper. My words were harsh, critical, and often filled with bitterness. I could be vengeful and I did not care who got hurt in the process. It was a constant feeling of being alone and misunderstood compounded by depression and anxiety.
It took many years of therapy to unwrap all those layers and face the trauma in order to let it go. In order to move on. I began to change when I realized I was going to be a mom. I did not want to raise another person like me. I wanted my children to be better than me and feel more love, kindness, and compassion.
They are good human beings and hopefully they feel this way. They seem happy. They are always open, honest, and up front with how they feel. Even the long distance does not stop them from calling me up to tell me what is going in their lives.
I am from a generation that was told to “Use your words”. To communicate effectively, be direct, think logically, be concise, back it up with evidence, be transparent, and be honest but also willing to compromise to get the job done. We were individuals but were expected to come together when needed and work things out.
If people learned effective communication skills, I believe, there would be more compromise and less conflict.
Maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part. I think it can be done.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a wonderful week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 