Silence is a virtue, or is it?

8/19/2024

8:57 pm

“Learn to be silent. Let your quiet mind listen and absorb.” – Pythagoras

As a kid growing up, we were told to be silent unless spoken to and to ask permission to interrupt if others were speaking, especially adults.

When I had my own children, I taught them to say “May I interrupt” when having conversations but never told them to be silent. To state what they thought, felt, or needed to say. I wanted them to be open-minded to others, be compassionate, and understand different points of view. I also wanted them to know that it was okay to talk to adults if something was going on and they needed help.

I learned the hard way that silence is not always a virtue. Sometimes silence is used as a form of punishment, a means of coercion, and a threat to personal safety. That is what growing up in an abusive environment was like, for some of us.

As I got older, silence became that inner child crying to be heard, caused by years of bullying and teasing from other kids due to my withdrawal and shyness. I would not raise my voice, talk in class, or speak up. I turned everything that I felt inward and a temper came out instead. I was constantly getting into fights with others.

Then I joined the military where there is a different form of silence to learn, not to cause any waves or your career could suffer. Yet at that same time, I was finding my own voice and being silent was just not within me anymore. I spoke up and out against anything that wasn’t within our expected standards of behavior. I became labeled not as a trouble maker but rather a go-getter with the potential for leadership. I had learned how to back up my words not only with actions but supporting evidence.

That confidence, ego boost, and “get out of my way” attitude did not last long. After I came home from the military, as a soon to be single mom, I was once again in an abusive environment. My self-esteem turned into self-doubt. The ego boost was turning into the constant ebb and flow of depression and anxiety.

I realized this past week, that some of those thoughts and feelings about being “silenced” are still there.

When I was a young single mom I had to rely on my family for help. Back then, I was making minimum wage of $4.25 per hour, was receiving daycare assistance, WIC, and food stamps to survive. I went back to school when my child was almost two years old to gain skills for a better paying job. I did not want to live with my family and they took advantage every chance they could.

Whenever I spoke up or against something, I was silenced by the threats of throwing me out of the house, and taking away my kid. I had no one else to turn to and the father of my baby was not in our life. I was alone.

I remained quiet but underneath the surface, tension boiled, and it would flare up every once in a while. I would be patted on my head by my mother and she would say “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.” That was her passive-aggressive and condescending way of putting me in my place in front of others. Her husband’s tactic would be to threaten to punch me or get in my face.

That dynamic between me and my family is at the core of the depression but then the realization this past week, that the depression stemmed from only part of that interaction with them. It was the relationships that I had with others that filled in the rest.

I was on a phone call to my person twice this past week and during those calls he kept losing the connection. It has been a common occurrence this past two years and we just roll with it. During one particular call, he kept interrupting what I was saying because he could not hear me, and afterwards the call dropped again. We lost the signal completely. I knew that I would not hear from him the rest of the evening. It was already early in the morning his time.

I was sitting here and for some reason the thought “He is tired of listening to me talk” came to mind.

I know this is not true. We have had many discussions before where he kept reassuring me that he enjoys our conversations. I have self-doubt sometimes. It is an old trauma habit that I am still trying to break.

I stepped back and thought through why I would immediately think that without any evidence.

That’s when all these relationships that I had from the age of 19 to 25 came flooding into my thoughts. I realized that in every one of these relationships, I was always “silenced” by them when I started questioning where the relationship was heading or if there were problems occurring. Very few people knew about our relationship. I very rarely met anyone the other person knew or was friends with. I was hidden away by them and would find out later that some of them were already in relationships when they met me.

Then when I was 26, I met my future husband who was 8 years older than me. We got married rather quickly after a very brief courtship. He even kept his true background hidden away from me for years before the truth came out. The marriage became the next abusive environment that I would have to survive.

There would be moments when I would wake up so happy and ready to get my day going. I would be chatty and talkative but he was far from being a morning person. There would be times when he would tell me to “Shut up!” I would immediately shut down and stay quiet until he left for work. I would cry in our bathroom until it was time to get the kids up for school. This went on for 17 years before I finally left.

I had a few more instances where people closest to me would be irritated that I was so chatty and talkative that they would tell me to stop talking. Every time, it was like another cut to my heart and soul but I would stop. I would cry in my thoughts instead.

When someone says “Silence is a virtue” I understand it to be about listening and hearing to understand what is being said without any preconceived notion or judgment. I take that seriously when someone comes to me with a problem or just to talk. I want them to feel comfortable to confide in me because that is how I want to be treated as well.

Yet, there are times when “silence” has to be broken. You have to say what you feel. You have to say what you are thinking. You have to say when someone’s actions or words have hurt you. You cannot keep those bottled up and pushed to the side because the only one who gets hurt is you.

There are people who just constantly chatter about anything or everything. When I hear them, I try to “listen” to what they are saying. If you truly listen instead of trying to block them out or “silence” them in your thoughts, you may discover that there is something new in their life.

It may be something they are excited to tell someone about it. It may be something that you do not understand the hype over it but to that person, it means everything, and they wanted to share it with you.

If “Silence is a virtue” is one we all should try to live by then “Listening to understand” is the counterpart.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, Love, Happiness, and Good vibes, always!

Suzanne