Inner monologue – Living on repeat.

8/25/24 1:28 pm

I started writing morning pages again and realized that I may not be doing them correctly, after 8 days of writing. It is better to make corrections now than when I am halfway through this process.

As I was writing today, the thought came to mind about what I want to inspire in others.

This is what I wrote down, “We are not the self-doubt or negative talk those are only distractors from getting or achieving what we want.”

I have always known that my negative self-doubts are overly critical and are a part of the anxiety I feel on some days. It is not that I believe in what I am thinking, it is from years of trauma that affects my cognitive behaviors as well as a slight fear of the unknown. The cognitive issues can be treated with therapy but the fear of the unknown, I have to learn how to face it on my own.

While I sat here and thought about how to approach this topic, the idea came to me that some of our inner monologue is not necessarily what we think but from what others have said to us during our lifetime. Our mind does not know the difference and is sometimes in a loop, like an old tape recorder playing it on repeat.

Words or phrases from years of emotional and verbal abuse would tend to come up the instant my anxiety went up for any reason or if facing a stressful situation. I know that this form of abuse is about control and having some sort of power over another person.

It has been a long and hard path to walk to combat those thoughts. Meditation, deep breathing exercises, and slowing down that moment by taking a step back have worked wonders for my overall well-being. That inner dialogue is finally starting to become muted in the background of my thoughts.

Another reason for this writing was in part, due to a person that I follow online. She by all accounts has a good life and seems to be happy by her outward appearances. Yet, I sometimes see these reposts that talk about being happy then right after or before another post that talks about criticism, narcissistic behaviors, relationships, or parenting.

Then this morning there was a repost that said “Give yourself the love you deserve, especially when it’s most difficult” I realized then, that she is not genuinely happy and tries to be, but may be struggling. I do not know her personally but after years of working with so many different people, I tend to get a good read on others. I sent her a positive message about the good qualities that see about her, she read and liked it. To be honest, I was surprised because she never responded to any previous messages.

It was in that moment the idea about what we say to ourselves, that inner monologue should not be listened to sometimes. We have that option and always have had that choice to listen or turn down the volume. To mute those thoughts that do not inspire us, push us to achieve our goals, or make us feel happy. The choice to listen has always been ours and so has any reactions to it.

Reacting or overreacting has been my Achilles heel so to speak, that too has been a slow process but it is still a work in progress. I am learning to look at things with all the evidence before me to refute or support what I think. Taking that moment to step back, reread things, listen again, or have it repeated or rephrased so I understand clearly has helped tremendously.

This has lessened the anxiety and also muted those automatic thoughts. I am finally untangling that ball of emotions that get mixed up with the previous trauma. It has been about removing it layer by layer and I know it will take time. There are 40-plus years of abuse and trauma to unravel and there is no instant fix. As I wrote before, patience is not a virtue that I hold well, but I am still learning.

This is the message I want to send to others and inspire them. Keep moving forward, do not stop believing in yourself, maintain that hope that things will get better, and find your peace, whatever that may look like for you.

Remember, that you control who or what you want in your innermost circle. If there are things about you that do not help achieve the best outcome, change them. If there are people who do not inspire you or support you to be your best then maybe they need to be placed outside of that circle.

Life is too short to keep living it on repeat.

Thank you so much for stopping by and supporting this blog.

Have a wonderful week ahead!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne