Aging – Time keeps moving on

10/12/2024

2:03 pm

It is a Saturday once again. I thought about this topic after my morning drive to drop off my son at his job.

I was heading home and got behind a car that was going 10 miles below the posted speed limit. It was in a hilly area on a two lane road so no one could pass the slow moving vehicle.

My immediate thoughts were that the person had to be an elderly driver. When we reached the larger main intersection I was finally able to get around the person. I looked over at the vehicle and there was this very white haired elderly woman driving. She was wearing one of those visors they give you, after you get your eyes dilated, and was barely taller than the steering wheel. That is why she was going slowly.

The question that popped up in my thoughts was “What will I do when I get to that age?” “Will I still be attempting to drive?” “What do I do since I will most likely be alone?”

After I arrived home, I continued working on my organization of my craft room and watched a couple of episodes of “The Great British Baking Show” while sorting my sequins. Those thoughts from the drive were at the forefront.

I am 53 years old and honestly never thought I would make it to 50. I turned 50 during the middle of the pandemic and thankfully I was not alone. My youngest son was home from college and my kids made a surprise visit. I did not have a great epiphany of life or a sudden outburst of emotion at turning a half a century old. Instead, I was grateful that I had lived as long as I had. I reflected on the life that I lived and my family.

Now, 3 years later, after all the back and forth over disability then being officially retired from work, I have a different perspective.

On some days I feel motivated, creative, and ready to create beautiful things. I will draw out ideas, research topics, attempt new skills, and just feel happy about my progress. I engage with others well and feel included. I feel grateful for my life and think positively.

On other days, I feel down, depressed, anxiety-filled, and without a purpose. I feel useless and that I am not contributing to the world as a whole or just within my community. I know that this emotional crisis is affected by lack of sleep, not eating right, binge watching movies or television, endless scrolling on social media, and just not taking care of myself in general. It affects not only my emotional state but how I interact with others. I try to seclude myself when I get this way. I do not want to burden others who do not understand my major depressive disorder and anxiety. I feel alone.

At this point it is about trying to find a balance between these two different ways of thinking. To understand what my triggers are for the depression and how to combat them as well as how to keep the happy state going longer. To understand that it is okay and that I am okay.

Today, I thought about how I will be as I get older and get to the point where I may not be able to do things like drive myself to the store or just take care of daily tasks. The first thought was automatically “What do I do since I will most likely be alone?” I know that I have my kids and that they will be there for me but I do not expect them to.

I want them to live their lives and do what they need to do for themselves. I am not trying to downplay my existence in their lives but I also know that once I get settled someplace, it will be the last one, until I pass on.

My kids are all still growing as adults and have not decided where they will be in life. I do not want to feel like a burden to them because I already think that I am. It is hard feeling this way and knowing that I have no proof they feel the same. It is just all in my emotional thoughts.

Even though I have a person that I have been talking to for many years, there is no guarantee he will be there either. He could decide today that he is done with my emotional back and forth. We say we want to be together for the rest of our lives but life experience has shown me the same thing and I am still physically apart from him and alone. There are no guarantees and I still keep part of my heart guarded. I love him and want nothing but the best for him. If that does not include me then I will have to accept it. It is really up to him; I have stated how I feel and what I want.

As I was driving home and thinking about the elderly woman driver, I kept thinking “What does one do if they have no family or friends?” There are elderly people out there that live in assisted living or senior living facilities but that is expensive. If they have health issues it makes it even more expensive to maintain care.

This is a social issue here in the United States and I am not certain how other countries handle these situations. It gave me pause to think about what do I want to happen as I get older? Do I want to be near one of my kids so they can periodically check on me? Do I want to go into a senior living facility if I can no longer manage daily tasks?

The best thing to do would be to stay healthy for as long as possible and keep my mind active. I have met some people who I thought were my age and was surprised to find out they were about 20 years older than me. They appeared younger because they stayed physically active and kept their minds active through continuous learning of new skills. They volunteered and occasionally worked through contracts in their previous careers. A few started businesses based on new skills or hobbies. There are numerous possibilities.

In a few years, I will start drawing my military pension, so I believe that I will be okay financially moving forward. I live a life that is not filled with extravagances and it is simple. I have crafting activities that take up most of my time along with the writing. I can start walking again for the physical activity part.

It is the alone part that I have no control over. All I can do is to keep putting myself out there and hope for the best on that. If I end up alone then It will be okay, it is better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all as the saying goes.

As for the driving part that started this string of thoughts, I can always use public transportation or taxis, possibly ride shares if they are still available, or just bum a ride from a neighbor or even my kids. I know that I would never be able to afford a private driver, they cost anywhere from $50 to $500 per hour depending on the vehicle type.

It will be okay though; aging is just a part of life. If we are lucky we will have a long life experience and I am grateful because I know there are others who won’t. I am humbled by that thought.

Aging, time keeps moving on. We either go with the flow or try to fight it by standing still.

In the end though, when we look back, it will not matter what we had in life but the kind of life we had.

I will end this with a quote from my favorite movie, Gladiator, “What we do in life, echoes in eternity” -Maximus Decimus Meridius.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne