Blind faith and patience do not mix well.

1/3/2025

4:35 pm

Today, I once again made assumptions and jumped to conclusions.

I regretted my actions shortly after but I am afraid the damage has been done. I have to wait and see. Another thing that I am not good at and still trying to learn, patience.

I told my person that I have been in this relationship with him for almost 3 years now and the many years before that on blind faith alone. We only had one video chat in the whole time we have known each other. I have based this whole relationship on that one moment.

Blind faith – “believing something without reason to believe it. It can also be defined as an unquestioning belief in something.”

I realized afterwards my mistake and have since apologized for it. I got angry, jealous, and upset based on what I was seeing without knowing the true context. I was not relying on what I know about this person and the relationship we have had with one another. My reaction was purely based on what I saw posted on social media. I was not following my blind faith.

That is the problem.

To truly have hope, faith, and belief in others we have to rely on them doing the right thing. No amount of talking, conversations, agreements, or history with one another can ensure this. That is were faith comes in. Belief in the sound judgment of the other person is also based on faith. Hope is what we carry for the person and the relationship continuing on and growing.

After I sat in silence to gather my thoughts and reason through everything, I went back and looked at the post again. The second look revealed details I did not see the first time. That is when I realized my mistake. I sent a message of apology immediately afterwards but it has been 4 hours since that moment. He has not come back online yet. His account is still there. I had already unblocked him on all my accounts and sent a follow request.

We just had a discussion early this morning about having trust and him stating that he felt like I would just go away one day without a word to him about it. I had assured him that I would not but then I got angry at what I saw a mere 6 hours later. I had seen posts before and it bothered me but not to the point of being angry over it. I would question it and we would talk it out. This time, I had a knee jerk reaction to everything. I sat there in silence to understand why I had such a strong reaction the way I did.

It came to me as I was sitting there taking deep breaths in and out.

It was that statement popping up again, “You are not beautiful enough and no man will want you”. The haunting words from my late ex-husband. In that moment when I saw the post I felt rejected. It brought up those old feelings of when I was married. I was emotionally, verbally, and mentally abused by my ex-husband to the point of it making the depression and anxiety worse. I did not know at the time that I had depression and anxiety, it was diagnosed by my VA doctors later on.

I had contemplated suicide and made three different attempts. It was the words my ex-husband said to me that broke me down.

That was the first part of the feeling and then I remembered my lifetime of dating. He was wrong.

In all the relationships that I had, I did not pursue them, they pursued me. My ex-husband had been wrong, I am beautiful enough and men did want to be with me. He was one of them and went so far as to marry me. We also had two children together.

The issue has always been that I am a very independent person not because I wanted to be but because I had to be. I was unwanted by my mother and her family. I grew up a long time ago and could only rely on myself. I know now through my therapy that it is a trauma response, hyper independence.

I, an overly independent woman, could not be changed in any relationship that I ever had. This is why those relationships ended either mutually or by me. It was an obstacle that I could not overcome until now.

This independent way of thinking also comes with its flaws. I put up barriers and walls to protect myself from harm. I do not let people into my life easily. The exception has been this person out all of the men I dated. I accepted his words of love, a life together, and togetherness as true because that is what I feel in my heart about him but my mind still struggles sometimes. Hence, the overreaction to things.

He is aware of this because I have been open about myself, trauma, and all the past relationships that were not good. He knows what my life has been like and we talk through these things all the time. He is the one that told me to leave my anxiety filled posts on my messages and to not delete them. I would regret sending them and would delete them, yet he saw parts of them when he received notifications. I would delete them so I would not unintentionally cause any hurt feelings between us.

He just responded back but I am still not sure. He hasn’t blocked me, his account is still there, but he just gave me thumbs ups on my texts. I just have to be patient and wait for him to decide what he wants to do and accept the outcome.

It is much later since my last paragraph; I was taking a moment to continue gathering my thoughts. I worked on some craft projects to pass the time.

He has since then responded to further messages but this time with a thumbs up, praying hands, and a heart. He did text one thing, “I love you so very much, Suzanne”. I am grateful for that and told him that I love him very much too, he just saw that an hour ago. Still no follow back or discussion but I am giving him time. Maybe tomorrow he will feel up to talking. I don’t know and will just wait.

As for having blind faith in another human being, it is not always ideal. This is especially true when it is a long distance relationship that has been solely online since the beginning. We have phone calls so we can hear each other’s voices but for me patience is my weakness. I just want my life with him to begin yesterday. I know that it is not possible at the moment, we both have a lot going on in our lives.

Blind faith and patience do not always mix well. You are relying on the other person to be truthful and honest without any context or action to be seen. It has been a struggle for me this whole time and he just keeps reassuring me that it is still moving along.

Today’s incident may have given him time to pause and rethink some things but as I said before, I will have to follow through on any consequences to my actions. At this point all I can do is apologize and try to make amends, if possible. I just have to keep moving on.

I have lived my life on hope, faith, and belief in others. I maintained this through all the “bad” things that have happened to me. Through all the bullying, harassment, racism, and abuse heaped on me by others.

I maintained this belief system because I believe in the greater good and that every bit of energy we put out to the universe comes back to us. I want to put out nothing but positive energy.

If I maintain this way of living then positive energy will come back to me. This is why I always apologize when I am wrong.

Well, I guess that’s enough of me rambling on. I was trying to stay up until 10:30 and it is now 10:39 pm. Time to lay down and let this day finally be over.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a wonderful weekend and week ahead!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne