Longing

***Updated 11/22/22***

11/21/2022

It is a Monday afternoon and I just woke up from a nap.

I woke up not feeling very well this morning. Runny nose, cough, and pressure behind my eyes, allergies are likely the culprit but it may be a cold.

I checked my phone to see if any of the text messages had been read but they had not yet. I then texted a good morning message and then started slowly getting up and ready for the day.

While I was laying there, I got a text back, and we started to have a brief conversation but it ended abruptly and I was told to hold for just a minute.  Knowing full well, that this person I talk to, sometimes takes longer than that to respond but I waited.

I was hungry, tired, and not feeling that great. This coupled with anxiety made me feel less than happy about waiting to hear back. I waited for more than 15 minutes which turned into hours before I got a response.  In the meantime, I went on a rant, stating how I felt to be made to wait.  It was not pretty and I inevitably felt bad for my behavior, so I texted an apology.

I always apologize for my anxious moments that turn into this verbal tirade on my part.

I keep forgetting that text messaging does not translate well when you are mad, upset, angry, annoyed, or any myriad of undesirable behaviors.

I also forget that we are communicating on a phone, through an app, and across the world from one another. It takes time and the connection is not always great. I know this but it does not make the longing any easier.

Longing – “a yearning desire”

Yearning – “a feeling of intense longing for something.”

Desire – “a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.”

The longing to have this person here with me and not on the other side of a tiny screen.

The longing makes me feel anxious and unsure of myself sometimes.  It makes me think that one day he is going to get tired of my apologies and just go away. This is what I assume the reaction would be, yet he is not me, we do not think the same, and he has always been understanding.

I know that I am impatient and do not like to wait. I feel like that is all I have ever done, wait for my life to begin.

It is the longing to have the rest of my life with someone to hurry up and start.  The one thing I have been waiting to happen for over six years now after I got over my divorce, and was finally ready to meet someone new.  

To find someone that is understanding, patient, caring, kind, supportive, and just likes me for me.

He has fit all of those ideas and I am still anxious because I do not want to mess things up.  I do not want to ruin the one thing that has been at the forefront of my thoughts: a longing for a better relationship.

My relationship history has been disastrous throughout my life.   I chose the wrong people, I let myself be treated badly, and I did not stand up for myself.  I let myself believe that I was not worthy of love, compassion, desire, or happiness.

It took 9 years of therapy, counseling, writing, and talking to get to the point of dismantling those untruths.  It took facing trauma, bad habits, and going through a recovery process to believe that I am worth something and that I have value to offer to others.

He tells me that he loves me, wants to be with me, he’s kind, and is always supportive. 

Yet, in those moments of high anxiety, some of those old thoughts come back up, and it is frustrating.

Am I too broken to be made whole again?  Is that why I just feel unsatisfied with myself in everything that I do?  Is this why I keep seeing these unforgivable flaws in myself? Why am I so harsh on myself when it comes to everything that I do?

It is that longing. That desire that I have had my whole life to be truly happy. The desire to have a true friend in my life. The one person I can tell my secrets to, that I can laugh with, that I can be silly or serious with, knowing that they are not judging me or putting pressure on me to be something else.

That longing to have that person who will not hurt me and whom I trust fully with my life.

I have felt these things about him from the beginning before I even realized that I have fallen in love with him, and it is such a scary thought for me.  To finally have what I wanted the most and be so afraid to lose it at the same time. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life except for my children.

Even now, just typing those words, makes me feel weepy at the thought of losing what I desired.  I am an emotional mess today, the cold that I have is not making it any easier, but I had to get my thoughts out into the universe.

I had to let it be known that this person means that much to me, I want him in my life, and I regret acting so foolish about it.

I just need to breathe in, breathe out, center myself, focus on the positives, and let the negatives wash away. Let them wash away also any of the doubts that I have about myself, us, and this relationship.

He texted back that he had not been feeling well himself and that was hours ago.  I assume he is probably upset with my messages but he won’t say so.  We are still working on that part of our communication but he keeps saying that he likes that I tell him exactly what I feel.  He said others in his life before never would.

I try to hold back most of what I think because I know that I can be way too harsh, that is something I am still working on myself. I know how I can be and that my words can hurt others. I am too critical, blunt, and unapologetic sometimes. I know that I am not perfect, that I am not always right, and too opinionated. These are my flaws when it comes to relationships with others. Those are the traits that I know about myself and it pains me to keep resorting back to them when I feel anxious, upset, or that something is unfair or unjust.

I finally got another text back from him afterwards as well as a phone call, it was very early in the morning for him, and he sounded better, not so stressed. I always appreciate the fact that he texts but I am also concerned that we both do not get much sleep. There are other days when we text back and forth all day long but that is not as often as I would like but I know he is busy. I look forward to our daily phone calls and just to hear his voice brightens my day.

I will just keep trying to make myself better every day and take it one moment at a time.

I will make sure to take those pauses in my thoughts and evaluate what I want to say before just going on a rant.

I will take those moments to just be silent and hear what my mind is telling me to do, to go back to my instincts.  Overthinking everything is causing too many issues.

These are the things that I want to do going forward, it is all that I can do, everything else is up to the universe.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne