4/20/2023
10:17 am
Tomorrow is April 21st, my birthday.
I will be 52 years old. I honestly never thought I would make it to 50.
Living more than 50 years seemed impossible to me when I was a kid, mainly because of what I was going through. As I continued to grow, it seemed like such a long time in the future, I have always been pessimistic.
Now that it is here, I remain slightly pessimistic about living even longer but more hopeful.
The problem with looking so far forward, towards a future that you want, sometimes you forget to stay in the present. This is normally the root of anxiety, not staying in the present.
That much I have learned over the past few years, being in the present, is a factor in determining how efficiently or effectively you handle situations as they are occurring. In my case, anxiety and depression still tend to interfere with positive thinking.
Yet, knowing my past, it is a hundred times better than before. It is still a work in progress but gets easier with each passing year. There is still hope and still work to be done, I also remember that no one is perfect.
Then what do I want my future to look like? What do I want moving forward?
In the immediate, within 1 to 2 years, I want to be living somewhere else. I have lived in my current state of Oklahoma for almost 49 years. I spent three years living elsewhere in my late teens to early twenties while in the military. I came back, was married, raised four kids, and retired here.
The current state of affairs here is no longer aligned with my values and beliefs. Instead of progressing forward, the old ways of thinking, riddled with bias, racism, homophobia, sexism, and chauvinism, are being constantly displayed by our state government leaders and in their policies. We have regressed and I see no purpose in being here anymore. If I have any future grandchildren, I do not want them to be raised here or exposed to this toxic environment.
I believe that the moment our state allowed medical marijuana changed or maybe it just brought out these undesirable traits in the people here. I am not against using it for medical needs and believe it is the best alternative to the mass production of chemical-filled drugs. I believe it should be federally recognized to allow people that choice.
Yet, once the legislation passed, dispensaries started expanding and are currently everywhere. Almost every street you drive on here has at minimum three dispensaries, a liquor store, and predatory loan or pawn establishments. All known variables or factors in keeping people perpetually poor with no progression.
We are no longer valuing the diversity of the population and it is becoming segmented. At least that is what I see. It became more prevalent to me once the pandemic started and now that things are somewhat normalizing, I do not see any forward momentum happening, everyone seems to be at a standstill or moving backward in their way of thinking.
Knowing that I want to move elsewhere, what I want to do is the next thing to think about. Where and how will I live?
I want to move somewhere where I can just get in my car and drive a few hours to see the mountains or the sea. I want to go someplace where I will learn how to hike, camp, and be one with nature. I am tired of living in this landlocked state. I also want to live where I can visit bigger cities and see what they offer regarding diversity. To see what kind of arts and humanities can be found.
The west coast has been calling me for quite a long time. It is the only part of the country where I have not lived yet. I have not only my children living in that part of the country but also relatives that I have not seen in a very long time. Westward is where I will be traveling but still not sure where I will land just yet.
Now that I know a general direction it is time to figure out what I will be doing. The current training that I am pursuing will help me find at least a part-time job, preferably a remote position but I still have not given up on the dreams and plans that I made for myself.
I would like to start a business, continue with the cake competitions, finish my degree, and just put away funds for when I get too old or tired to work. Then I will retire but I still do not see myself as not being active. Maybe I will become more involved in activism and teaching or just be a silent supporter. I am undecided on that part mainly because I have already spent over 20 years being involved and trying to help others. It is tiring when you do not see change. It could be that I just have not found the right niche yet. That is still something to think about.
In all this ruminating about my life the one thing that I never actually included is a relationship. Why? Because relationships are sticky, and I still struggle with them.
The online relationship is faltering somewhat. He contacted me again after our last miscommunication and misunderstanding. We have smoothed things over but in the back of my mind, there remains the thought that it is not going anywhere.
If it was going to be heading in the direction, we have been talking about for almost a year now, then it would have happened already or there would be plans being made, neither has occurred.
I have never been a person that does not know what they want in a relationship, I am very upfront about it from the beginning, and not much more left for me to say. All the balls are in his court at this point, I have made all my shots. I will just let it go wherever it is supposed to go. It is what it is, as the saying goes.
The last thing to think about as I get ready to start another trip around the sun is who I am and what I can improve upon.
I certainly can change my mental well-being and it is still progressing. That is positive at the moment.
I can work on my physical health by becoming more proactive as it pertains to fitness, exercise, and eating habits. That is still a struggle, but I know it is doable. I have been riding that roller coaster for a long time.
I can change my style and develop my look but that always seemed too superficial to me, and I never worried about it. I was always more worried about my health. Yet, I do know that it does feel good sometimes to change my hairstyle, get manicures and pedicures, or buy some new apparel or accessories. It just has not been my focus for many years now. Still, something to think about.
I can learn something new. Yet, that is all I ever seem to be doing but have not applied this knowledge to anything else in my life. Maybe that is the niche I have been needing to find.
There are so many possibilities but also seems like there is not enough time in the day to accomplish everything.
Well, I have another 365 days to dwell or make progress on these thoughts and ideas.
I guess I better get started.
Thank you for stopping by and supporting this blog.
Have a wonderful week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 