Creativity – A light on the path of darkness

Creativity – A light on the path of darkness

3/24/2024

12:39 pm

I created a short article based on a writing prompt this morning and it was well received on my blog thus far.  I was also flattered by a fellow blogger taking inspiration from an article I wrote about writer’s block. It was based on a writing prompt from years ago that I had recently posted.

As I sat here looking at the likes, comments, and followers growing from today’s writing, it reminded me of the journey I took to get here.

My actual life’s journey began almost 53 years ago and it was fraught with trauma that kept me under its influence for years, over 42 years to be exact. 

In 2013, I had to seek out counseling and therapy to deal with the overwhelming depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide.  It has been a long almost 11 years.  My thinking is much clearer today than it was then.  I feel more hopeful, less stressed, and if you can believe, happier.

When the stress of everyday life or situations is presented, I do not worry as much as I did back then. I know in my heart and my mind that it will work out the way it is supposed to. The universe has always guided me in the right direction through positive thoughts and positive actions.

I know other people sometimes doubt my thoughts or words but from experience, I know things have always worked out for the better or put me on a different path.  That is life.  We do not control it and the only thing we can control is our response.  It has always been this way. 

When I finally realized this, things have been so much easier to deal with no matter what.  Do I still get overwhelmed, saddened, or upset?  Yes, that is the emotional part of our being.  Those first gut reactions in the moment but through therapy and counseling, I have learned how to get those under control rather quickly so it does not linger long.  My emotions no longer spiral down and out of control or turn into these dark moments.

Take for instance this past week.  After waiting for a break to find a job for over 4 years, I finally got one on February 12^th when I started working full-time again.  Then a little over a month later, on March 19^th, I was let go from the position because I no longer had reliable transportation.  The transmission went completely out again on my vehicle when I was driving back from lunch.  The previous offer of being able to telework from home if needed, was rescinded.

The HR Director drove almost 50 miles one way from the workplace to my home. She called and said she was coming to pick up the laptop, paperwork, badge, and cell phone. 

Despite the weekly one-on-one, we had the week before, where she praised me for accomplishing some of the strategic plan items my first month, she said it was better that I resign instead of terminate so I could come back in 6 months if I wanted.

I won’t be going back, I already learned what I needed to know about them and that working environment. 

I was surprised but not really.  There were too many “co-worker” issues during that month but despite my complaints, it was not fully dealt with or documented.  I was also having physical issues with my arm being in more pain and more tremors, some occurring when I was driving.  I was exhausted every day and my blood pressure went up.

In my Zoom call with my children this weekend, they were more upset for me than I was. I was just taking it in stride knowing that something else was on its way.  I just have to stay positive, stay motivated, and keep moving forward.

I checked my blood pressure this morning, it has dropped 10 points since last week.

I have digressed a little, this writing is about creativity and how it has always been this light on the dark path I had been walking for years.

In the post from this morning, I talked about how my creativity was sparked by a second-grade contest, and it continues to stay with me, even now.

Take, for example, the articles I have posted this past week, they all took form from writing prompts.

As a person who writes, sometimes you need that little push to get the thoughts moving.  To open up that creative mind’s eye and see what’s there. To find that idea among all the noise of the every day.  To listen to your intuition and see it. 

When I was a kid from ages 7 to roughly 16, I spent a lot of time reading and drawing.  I have written before that the worlds created by Stephen King kept me going and helped me through the abuse I was being subjected to.  In those days, reading and being able to visualize these characters, those moments in the stories, helped block out what I was going through.  It was my survival mechanism. It was that temporary light in the darkness.  

In high school, I turned to other forms of art, painting and fiber arts, to refocus the feelings of being alone. I was a loner and did not talk a lot. I was painfully shy with a temper.  I was getting into a lot of fights. I now know the anger was from the abuse.

Then I went out into the world and joined the military, still an avid reader but I started relying more on my drawing and painting abilities. I started writing here and there but art was what I turned to when I faced even more trauma.  The pictures were sometimes dark and kind of twisty, with a lot of Greek tragedy masks mixed up with flowers, butterflies, and color. It was the only way I could convey my feelings.  The people who received my drawings just thought they were artsy and cool.

The people I associated with or worked with had no idea what I was going through, I still could not ask for help and tried to deal with it on my own.  I was in my early twenties when I was binge drinking, binge eating, chain-smoking, and a compulsive fitness person.  I finally broke down one day from it all. As part of being counseled, I was put into a meditation group. I had to have an escort to the fitness facility to monitor my workout time.  I was also being weighed weekly until my weight went back up.  My weight had dropped to about 125 pounds.  

I kept moving though.  I had some pretty dark moments and it all changed when I found out I was pregnant with my first child.  I got out of the military and came home to be a single working mom.

The creativity took other forms that helped me face everyday challenges.  I started sewing, crocheting, and painting more.  I also started doing some beadwork.  I did this for years, on and off until I got married. Then most of the creativity and reading stopped.  It was the darkest time in my life.

I love my children and became a busy stay-at-home mom and parent volunteer to be with them.  The depression became the fuel for the busy life that I would lead for almost 17 years.  I still had some creativity and put it into every holiday, birthday, and celebration.

I became a person with a mission, to retire from the military, complete a college degree, and raise my kids.  Before the marriage ended, my creativity took a new turn, I started cake decorating. 

This was the result of a badly made store-bought cake for my daughter’s birthday party. I thought I could do better. I signed up for cake decorating classes.  I eventually became an instructor and competitor.  A piece created for an online challenge was in a cake decorating magazine, I won a 1^st and 2^nd place ribbon, and I taught almost 500 people the basics of cake decorating during my time as an instructor.

On the surface, I had a lot of fun during that time but underneath the surface was this ongoing darkness on my path.  I still could not see all of the light and the depression spiraled out of control.  

That is when my path changed again. I retired from the military, got divorced, and moved out on my own.  It was the longest and hardest part of this journey to take.  I fell several times but got back up and kept moving. The depression spiraled downward a few more times before I surfaced again and got it under control.  I am still in recovery mode but in a much better position than 8 years ago.

My life took a few more different turns and I am now alone, a somewhat empty nester.  I stopped working due to an injury, four years ago.  I turned to more bead working, painting, and other arts & crafts to pass my days.  I started this blog and discovered my writing ability.  I could finally see the path more clearly and most of the darkness was gone.

All of this boils down to one thing, creativity and seeing clearly.  Taking those ideas and then translating them into an art form is what we should be about. 

It is in creativity where dreams still live.  

Those dreams are our hope for the future. 

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, good vibes, and creativity, always!

Suzanne