12/26/2024
9:34 pm
Since it is that time of year for wonder and merriment things should be bright, joyful, harmonious, or at least pleasant. Everyone on their best behavior.
I wish that I could say that is how this holiday season has been for me but I am very honest to my core and this has not been the best for me. Emotionally, mentally, and somewhat physically.
The holiday season starts on Thanksgiving, a holiday that is not too big on my list. We do not celebrate as indigenous people and it is just called the fall dinner or feast. The story of why we do not celebrate it, I have written about before.
I normally put up the Christmas tree and decorations the day after “Thanksgiving” and it does not come down until January 2nd. This is also when I start my listening of holiday music and watching holiday movies.
This year, I was just not in a very festive mood and we did not get any decorations or the tree up until twelve days before Christmas. I was not feeling happy at all. I tried to get into a better mood with the holiday music and movies, it helped a little.
Then on Christmas morning, I woke up in a bad mood. I felt sluggish, tired, and weepy. It was an emotional morning for me.
It was the second year of no big family celebrations due to the parting of the ways from my parents and siblings over a year ago.
My own children could not come home again this year due to their work schedules. I did not think that it would hit me so hard but this year it did.
I was feeling nostalgic for days gone by.
The big family gatherings with my relatives we had from the time I could remember at age 6 until the age of 30. That is a long time to live in a tradition then to have it completely end. It just gradually happened over time with the passing of relatives who helped keep it going. The families grew apart.
I longed for the big family meals with so much food, it was leftovers for days. I missed making desserts, casseroles, and side dishes. Then there was the decorations and gift giving.
When those days of traveling to be with relatives for holidays subsided we, my siblings and parents, made our own family gathering tradition for our own grandkids. Our family was a large group on its own with 15 members in total.
The planning of everything would begin at the yearly November family dinner. We would determine the meal plan and who would bring certain family favorites. Then we would talk about the gift giving.
We did Secret Santa gifts every year for the adults and everyone bought gifts for the grandchildren. We would draw the names at our family dinner in November and set a spending limit. Then we started doing a Dirty Santa gift exchange for the adults too.
It has been quite a while but I used to make the family stockings and help fill them for every family member. I would be sewing them for weeks ahead of time and searching out all the little trinkets and goodies for them.
We used to do board games, charades, or sometimes watch a movie during our dinner. One year we took everyone to see the Christmas lights at a local Bible College. It was so busy and crowded but the kids seemed to enjoy it and the hot cocoa.
What I missed the most this year was not all of this but it was the family togetherness and the sense of belonging because I know that it was not perfect.
The pettiness and sometimes ugliness of some family members would be on display during the holidays. People were trying to prove a point and would sometimes intentionally leave certain family members out of gifts or create drama during the family activities.
As the grandchildren got older the enthusiasm for being together during the holidays became less and less due to the drama. Children tend to grow out of it and their attention turns to their friends or relationships. For the “grownups” it became a game of one upmanship among the gifts. People trying to outdo one another.
Then after losing some family members over the years it just fell apart even more. There was less and less conversation among family members. Then others would not show up or made other plans.
The family gathering we created died. The fond memories that I had growing up did not.
I still long for those days when the holidays meant people at least tried to get along not for their sake but for the kids. That in that brief moment of time, we filled our hearts and minds with good thoughts. We attempted to create happy moments and memories for our kids. We left our own insecurities out of it.
As I sat there Christmas morning, drinking my coffee, and watching the rain, I remembered why we parted ways. Our kids were not the only ones that grew up.
If I truly wanted my own peace on earth, then it has to be this way. I started feeling better and I made it through the day.
Next year, I will start new traditions with my own family, that is my goal going into my 54th year. It’s time to let the nostalgia go, keep the good memories in my thoughts, revamp some of those traditions from my long gone relatives to introduce to my own kids, and create some new ones.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a wonderful holiday season!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 