Random Musings, Well being

Personality flaws – Conscientious and Adaptable

Personality flaws – Conscientious and Adaptable


8:12 am

It is an early Thursday morning.  I took my son to work before seven this morning after only sleeping about four hours.  I am tired, hungry, and irritable.  I put on my happy face so I don’t upset anyone with my grumpiness.  That is how I have always been, conscientious and adaptable.  This is what I consider my flaws.

Conscientious – “wishing to do what is right, especially to do one’s work or duty well and thoroughly.”

Adaptable – “able to adjust to new conditions.”

Why would I say these are my flaws? 

Being conscientious and adaptable is how I survived my family growing up.

Being conscientious and adaptable is how I also endured seventeen years of a bad marriage.

Being a conscientious and adaptable person is how I made it through twenty years of military service.

Being conscientious and adaptable is how I have survived the life I have lived.

Yet, despite of all of this, in this small part of my conscience, hiding in the corner is this gnawing thought that just does not care and wants to be left alone.  It is part of my thoughts that I push down every day. 

Leftover remnants of the anger that was built up over years of abuse.  A small, tiny part that still has trust issues, emotional damage, and sadness. That small, tiny part that comes up when I am tired, irritable, unsure, or having doubts about myself.  This is the fuel for the anxiety-filled moments that I go through. If I am unable to successfully control it then it will blow up and affect the people around me.

That is why I say it is my flaw.  The years of being this seemingly calm person and unbeknownst to others that just under the surface is this boiling turmoil that is still slowly subsiding.  It has been hidden away by the words always used to describe me, conscientious and adaptable.

It has taken over 10 years of therapy to recognize these things about myself and I am still learning that it is okay to not always be in the moment.  That it is okay to take a step back and be in my thoughts.  It just means that those emotional scars are healing. 

That one day, I won’t have to stop and think about it, it will become automatic and I will just go with the flow of things.  That I do not have to always be in control of things and it is not always my responsibility to shoulder the burdens of others.  That I have to think about and put my needs first sometimes, not just for my own sake but also for the people that I love and care about.  That is how I become the best version of myself.

I came home, fixed myself some breakfast, made some coffee, and thought about what I wanted to write.  The issues with my parents came up again this morning, then the thoughts about this relationship, then my kids, and then myself. I have not done my morning routine yet and I am having slight moments of vertigo. 

I came upstairs into my workspace, put on my Spotify playlist, and sat there with my eyes closed.  Listening and waiting for the uncomfortableness to subside.  The lyrics and music of “Shooting Star” by Bad Company moved through my mind.  I started feeling better.

I just went with the flow of everything and let it be.  I let the emotions, thoughts, and anxiety move through me.  At that moment, I was no longer trying to control everything and I was no longer being that description anymore.  That is how it should be.

I have to remember that it is just a wave, a moment, temporary, and it will subside. I know how to ride the wave; it is not the first time or the last and I will be okay.

Thank you for stopping by this blog.

Have a wonderful week ahead!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!



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