Love and Patience – Thoughts moving forward.

Love and Patience – Thoughts moving forward.

3/29/2023

6:37 pm

I wrote a few days ago about the incident with my mother and her husband.  That interaction triggered something in my mind. My anxiety has been up and the depression feels heavier than usual.  All I have been doing is sleeping, a known trauma response for me. 

I have been trying to move through it but it feels like I am wading through waist high water and barely moving. It has been hard to stick to my morning routine and focus on the day.  I am now behind on my classwork.

The online relationship, I told him what happened, and he has been very supportive.  He kept apologizing to me because he had suggested that I go over to help her but I was adamant that I was not going to do that. Neither one of us expected her reaction or for that incident to happen as a response.  I told him that it did not involve him and it was something between her and I, that had to be dealt with, but he is still very concerned over my well-being.  He and my children believe it is now definitely time to cut those ties, permanently.

My anxiety has come through in our chats and phone calls with one another, coupled with the random phone connection issues, and it is causing some discord within myself.  I am trying very hard to reign in the ugly thoughts going through my mind. I know it is the anger with my mother that I am trying very hard to contain.  I just do not want to let those thoughts spill over into my relationship.  It is not fair to him.

It was during one of these moments this morning that I just said what I was thinking.  We have had discussions before about me just telling him how I feel.  I try not to but he always seems to know when something is wrong.  Then the anxiety filled doubts about me come out and it turns into a rant.  I do not like myself in those moments, I regret what I write to him, then I will delete it.  This behavior has caused quite a few arguments between us.  He stated that it makes him feel like I am hiding something from him.  I explain myself, sometimes resend what I wrote so he can see, and then we smooth things over.

He told me to never be afraid to tell him how I feel.  It is in that moment I knew that he loves me.  His love is patient, kind, compassionate, and caring about my overall well-being.  He truly is a friend in those moments. The one thing that I never experienced in any of the previous relationships in my life.

So after our brief moment talking this morning then losing the connection, I wrote what I was thinking and feeling but he has not seen it yet.  As the day progressed, I started feeling better, and wrote him some other things too.  I know that he will read and respond to every message.  We will have a discussion and it will be okay again.

That is how relationships should work.  It should be this open and honest discussion about anything. No matter how big or small. No matter how serious or trivial.  A commitment made to another person means you made a vow to all the good, bad, and ugly.  That no matter how pretty things are on the outside, you still have to acknowledge the crap that sometimes makes up the inside.  We are human beings, fallible, and imperfect.  The ideal self we seek, less imperfections, calm, reserved, focused, happier, and motivated is sometimes hard to display. The soul of who we are has to be at peace in order for those ideals to show. We are lucky if at the end of the day we can still laugh at ourselves and be grateful for all that we have.  

This moving forward with him has not been easy but it has been the best thing that I have experienced.  It keeps me hopeful, full of faith, and belief in him. I love and care about him very much, wanting nothing but the best for him.  I am also fully aware that me being in his life, is not completely up to me, he has the power to decide that.  I can only tell or show him how I deeply I feel about him in my texts, chats, phone calls, letters, voice notes, and poems that I send to him.  He sends me the same in return.

I do not know where this will go or even if it will but I know from the experience it has made me more aware of my own position and control within a relationship and not just a romantic one but all relationships with others.  The things that I never had before.  I would forget who I was as a person, the value that I bring, and that my voice is just as important as anyone else’s. I realized the importance of have two equally involved people in relationships and it should never be one-sided.

As my evening starts to wind down here, I am looking over the assignments to complete over the next several hours, and I patiently wait for him to receive my texts so we can talk.  I feel okay, still sleepy and tired, but better than this morning.

I can only hope this mood passes soon and I can get back on track again. I will most likely write another blog post about how I feel concerning the incident and my mother. For now, I will just try to concentrate on the two assignments I need to get done by midnight. 

Afterwards, maybe I will do some beading and watch some television, just something to get my mind off of things.  Hopefully, I will sleep more peacefully.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, good vibes, and happiness, always!

Suzanne