What I need…

January 17, 2023

9:08 pm

I was looking at my weekly blog stats and I always see what articles people have looked at during the week.

One of the articles this past week was from September 2018 titled “What I miss…”, I did not remember what it was about, so I went back and read through it.

I realized that it was about changes that were pending as I became a new empty nester and as I also faced these changes alone.

I had written about the life that I wanted to have with someone else. It was about the little things that we take for granted every day. When your relationship fails or ends, it is those little things that you think about the most. You realize how important they were in the relationship and how much you miss it.

I remember the first wintry weather after my ex-husband passed away and I had to scrape off my car windows. I kept thinking about him and wishing he was there.

Then reality struck, and I remembered that he never did little things for me such as warming up my car, scraping the windows, or even making me a cup of coffee in the mornings. He was not into details and was not a morning person most of the time.

He would tell me how irritated he was by my voice and I was told more than once to “Shut up!” If I even attempted to hug or kiss him, I was immediately pushed away. I had a lot of hurt feelings and even more tears back then.

I guess when I wrote that article, it was bits and pieces of other people’s lives that I heard or saw, that I was writing about. It was not mine. I guess I was having a moment of whimsy and dreaming about the ideal relationship. It was all those romantic notions in my thoughts being put out into the universe.

This evening I sent another long email to my online person about our lack of communication lately. It is in these moments when we don’t talk to one another that my anxiety goes into overdrive and I start having all these self-doubts, self-esteem issues, and just general anxiousness.

That is how most of my relationships have been.

As I sit here, listening to music, and thinking about my life. I asked myself “What do I need?”

Sure, a more stable income would be fantastic and it would cut down on most of the anxiety. That is what I am striving to rectify in my life through pursuing more skills, training, education, or creative endeavors. That is always a slow process and will take time.

The basics I already have:

I have a home; it is much nicer compared to places I have lived in the last 8 years.

I have running water, electricity, internet, cell phones, computers, televisions, and online streaming platforms.

I have food, not much at the moment, but we have at least dinner every evening.

I have access to programs to assist me and medical care provided through my military service.

I have a bed to sleep in, a bathroom to bathe in, clean clothes in my closet, and shoes on my feet.

I have two pets to keep me company.

I have my kids, even though they live in another state, but we talk when we can.

I still have relatives that I can talk to or visit.

I have a vehicle and money for gas to get me where I need to go.

I have my craft room where I spend my time in every day with many tools, gadgets, and machines.

I have a creative mind, can write out my thoughts, and have the ability to put all of these out into the world.

Despite all these “things”, I sometimes still feel empty and alone.

Is that what I need, companionship, a relationship, a life partner?

Yet, knowing that is what I want but not necessarily what I need, it is not easy for me to attain and keep.

As I was laying there after my nap, which was precipitated by an overwhelming crying moment after sending my online person that email, I stared into the darkness and kept thinking “Why do I feel this way?”

He has not done anything wrong. He has not texted since this morning, he stated he had felt sick earlier, yet he texted yesterday and all the days before. There have only been a few days where we have not talked to one another because of connection issues.

Why are my thoughts always fatalistic when it comes to relationships? Why do I overthink it and make it harder than necessary? Why do I always assume that people are just going to leave?

I realized that it is patience in myself that I need. It is great if the other person is patient with me but it is my internal patience that is the problem.

I know it stems back to when I was a child, growing up, and not emotionally attached to my mother. She did not want me and I was moved a lot between my relatives. I did not live with my mother or get to know my half-sisters until I was ten years old. We do not have any emotional attachments to each other, even in the hardest moments in our lives, there is no love there. It was always polite kindness or concern but nothing more.

The anxiousness and fear of being abandoned all stem from that period of my life. It was the trauma of growing up in that environment. I was abused. I was too young to know how to deal with what I was feeling and I was threatened to keep quiet. It was that way until I got big enough to physically fight back, and that is what I did to make the abuse stop.

This perpetuated this constant feeling of always being guarded and ready to defend myself if it seemed like something was going wrong. I had this attitude to “Strike first, ask questions later.” It is a defense mechanism that I used to protect myself. I also kept myself isolated behind this massive wall that no one could ever get past.

Then I started therapy, finally after 40-something years, and one brick at a time of that wall was taken down, little by little.

Now, today, I recognize when I am being unreasonable and too overly anxious. I apologize for my behavior and can only hope that it is accepted by the other person. Most of the time they understand, and sometimes they walk away because it is not what they want. I understand that and I try to do the best I can, afterward. It sometimes causes self-doubt but I try to not dwell too long.

This is what I need…

Kindness.

It does not take much effort to be kind but I do not expect this all the time. Instead, being to the point when necessary is the best option.

Time.

It takes me a moment or two to evaluate things, rushing me will always cause me to push back or say no.

Consideration.

If I am taking an interest in you, I try to be considerate of your time, I expect the same in return.

Honesty.

I can be brutally honest and to the point, if that is not for you, then just tell me. I can back off and be flexible.

Trust.

If you are in my life, it is because I trust you. This is always hard for me, trusting others, but if we are talking to one another, then I have already made my mind up about you. Do not test my trust because it is a deal breaker for me.

Self-awareness.

I have spent my life and raised my family to recognize our strengths and weaknesses. I expect others in our lives to be that way too, that is why we choose who is in our lives. We are not perfect, and neither are you. We should keep pushing ourselves every day striving to be our best version. Life is too short already to keep doing the same things over and over again.

Humor.

This is truly the best medicine for life. We already live a stressful daily life; laughter is the best way to relieve it. I love to laugh, be silly, and just have fun. You do not always need other things to have fun, let loose, and relax. If I did not have humor then I would still be lost in the darkness of my thoughts. Those light-hearted moments shared with others are what I think about the most when I am having a down moment. I turn to television shows, movies, or videos to get into a better mood.

I am feeling much better after this writing.

I have not heard from my online person yet but it is still very early for him, maybe later. I can only hope that he is understanding, again.

Life is long for most and short for others. We never know what we will get because there is no choice.

The only choice we can make every single day is how we live that life.

I can keep dwelling on the pain, hurt, and trauma others caused but it is holding me back from living the life that I want.

The life I want is with this person. He came into it so many years ago, left, then came back again. We keep trying and eventually, we will get there, with effort and care from both of us.

I try to live in my truth, every day. It is a struggle when things become overwhelming but the love and care of my family help keep me in check.

In those moments, I take a step back and look at every angle to see what is going on. Most of the time it is my thoughts and I work to bring them back into focus. I refocus and keep moving.

Life is worth living, I know this now.

It took a long time, a lot of obstacles, and moving in and out of the light to get here.

I am grateful that I am becoming aware of what I need.

Thank you so much for stopping by and supporting this blog.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne