Random Musings, relationships, Well being

What I want…

What I want…

January 18, 2023

1:24 pm

I was sitting there late last night, looking through my blog, and checking the accounts of newer followers.

I had just posted “What I need…”, a follow-up to a previous article from 2018 called “What I miss…”. 

I started ruminating over relationships in my life.  My family, my kids, and this online person.

Throughout my almost 52 years of living, there have been several things that I wanted in my life but never quite got from others. 

I want:

Understanding – “sympathetically aware of other people’s feelings; tolerant and forgiving”

Compassion – “sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.”

Caring – “displaying kindness and concern for others.”

It is hard to get these from others if they are unwilling to do so because they do not view you as someone important enough to feel these things about.

That is what these boil down to, the importance of the person.

I am a human being, I am fallible, and I have made mistakes in my life.

Yet, knowing this and trying to continue to live in my truth has not been ideal for others that have come into or out of my life.

I have made my own mistakes in judgment, actions, and the words I have spoken but when I know that I am wrong, I apologize but I rarely ever ask for forgiveness.  Why?  It is not up to me to ask for forgiveness. The other person who was affected has to make that choice for themselves to forgive or not.

As human beings, we have to accept the consequences of our actions, good, bad, and ugly.  We should always look at all angles, see where the flaws in our thinking are, and either make a different choice or keep moving forward with it.  We do the best we can with the information at hand.

Asking for someone for forgiveness always felt like I was pushing them to make decisions about me that did not show me their true character.  I did not want them to feel any obligation to me.  No one should expect anything from anyone, it just complicates things.  When you expect too much from people it only causes discord between everyone involved.

There are many quotes out there about expectations, one of my favorites is:

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” – Bruce Lee

The life we live indeed is our own, and if we are lucky enough to have others to walk with us on that journey, then our lives are already enriched. 

I am lucky to have four children, all adults now, who are there when we need each other.

It was hard letting them go out into the world on their own but my job of raising them was complete and I did the best that I could.  I am happy with whom they are becoming.  They will all be successful in their endeavors.

I am also lucky to have found this online person despite all the back and forth we go through daily, I have enjoyed having someone to talk to.  I like our phone calls, sharing things on Instagram, late-night or early-morning texts, and those random ones during the day. It sometimes interrupts our sleep but it is still nice when we can talk.

Now, after all, that I have been through in my life, it is time to move past my expectations from those that hurt me.  I have come to realize that I will never get the things that I want from them, understanding, compassion, and caring because I was never that important to them.  They have made it obvious that they feel no remorse for anything they have done.

I, as the recipient of their actions, had the choice to either forgive them or not.  

In the beginning, I chose not to and held onto so much anger and despair.  This just furthered the weight of the trauma, depression, and anxiety that I constantly carried with me for decades. I, as well as others who knew me, were surprised that I functioned with everything going on in my conscience.  That was until it finally broke me down, it has been a long 9 years of therapy, counseling, and working through it.

Then as I have gotten older, I swayed back to forgiving them but not forgetting it either. It was causing so much heartache within myself to keep holding onto that pain.  It was not allowing me to grow or trust others that came into my life. 

It was not fair of me to compare the new people in my life to the old ones. I have had to apologize many times for being assuming, judgmental, and too quick to pass this on to them.  I am still learning, still growing, and still working through trauma.

That is why these “wants” are so important to me.  That is what I want the most to fully heal the wounds and scars left by others. If the people in my life do not see me in their future then they just need to walk away. They need to move on to others whom they can understand, be compassionate about, and care for.

I do not know what my future holds for me.  I can only take it one day at a time, make plans for my future, and try my best to achieve the goals I set. 

I also have to remember to laugh, smile, be happy, and find positivity every day.  It is always there; we just have to open our eyes to see it.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!