Mindset – Anxiety, Depression, and Self-doubt

March 20, 2023

10:46 pm

It has been busy the last 5 to 6 weeks.

I was finally enrolled in a school program through my Veterans Administration utilizing my military education benefits. I am working towards a diploma in Bookkeeping/Accounting. It will take approximately 10 months to complete it.

Today was the beginning of week 2 of the financial accounting course. My mind is kind of tired at the moment, a lot of reading and homework but it has all been completed, and I am very pleased with my grades so far.

That part of this experience has been okay and I was looking forward to the challenge and having a weekly schedule. The other part of this, my peers, has been a whole different story.

I have written previously about the struggle to make connections with others and how I just do not seem to fit in. My thinking, before starting this program, was that it would be easier since we are completely online. I was wrong.

I completed the last course, which ran from February 13^th to March 12^th, and got the grade that I wanted but despite all the online discussions over topics every week, I still only had two responses to my posts.

The first was from the instructor and the second was from another employee, no other student responded. It was a part of our grade to respond to the posts with a minimum of 100 words to receive full points. I responded to a different student on each discussion topic, but still nothing in return.

Then the last topic, I finally got a response, from the only other bookkeeping/accounting student. I was hopeful.

We had our first week of assignments for this financial accounting course last Monday, the 13^th, and our first discussion post. I turned mine in and waited for a response. I waited and waited some more. Finally, on the last day of the deadline, Sunday evening, I got an alert that a response was posted.

I logged in and saw the only other bookkeeping/accounting student, posted a response to an old post, from last year’s students. I felt rather deflated and disappointed at that moment.

I know that my mindset still deals with anxiety and depression moments. This sometimes causes self-doubt in me. I have worked very hard for the last almost 10 years trying to combat these issues and rebuild who I am. Yet, I still have those moments of feeling like I do not belong, anywhere, and struggle with feeling like I fit in.

I have talked about this subject over and over again with both my family and my online relationship. They keep coming back with the same response “Does it matter if other people like you?”

The logical and determined part of me, the part that has been driven to succeed no matter what, says “No, it does not matter”.

This is in contrast to the anxiety and depression part of my thoughts that become filled with self-doubt and wonders “Why do people not like me?”.

It is this endless cycle and I just need to finally face the fact that I am not like other people and accept who I am.

At a very young age, when I was being abused, I withdrew and became angry. This is the aggressive, in-your-face, persona that I still have. It is the part of me that wants justice for any wrongdoings and will defend myself or those that I love and care about, no matter what.

That is the part that has driven me all these years to be successful and accomplish any goal I set for myself, to excel and be the best that I could be. This version of me always fit in well within the military career I created and retired from.

The anxiety and depression part of who I am, the one that is still working through the trauma from childhood to well into my early 40s, just wants to feel like a part of the world, to feel important to someone, and to feel included.

That is the person that has struggled at every job position since retirement, in every relationship I ever had, and as a parent to four kids. That is part of my personality that almost ended my life. It has been my greatest accomplishment to have finally moved past the deepest depressed state of mind that I lived in, for well over 30 years. I am not that person anymore but I still have moments of self-doubt.

I wrote previously about trying to be involved in things that I like to do as a way of meeting new people. That was an utter failure.

I tried veteran’s groups, surely I would make a connection there. No. I was told to leave by one group of veteran women over a misunderstanding, that did not even involve me, but it did not matter.

Then I tried a cake decorating club and once again, one person did not get along with me no matter what I did, so I had to leave.

I have tried sewing groups and was told they were not accepting any new members but they instead invited the younger woman I was with, to join in and participate.

Then there are my therapy groups, all women veterans, and if any person decided they did not like me, for any reason, I was moved to a new group. They were not moved, I was.

It has been frustrating, heartbreaking, and all-around crap the last 10 years, there is no other way to put it.

What’s that saying, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”, that is how I feel and I just need to stop.

I have my kids, my online relationship, and my relatives, maybe that is all I need going forward.

I used to envy women that had their “best friend”. That person you talk to when you just need someone to boost you up or have a “girls only” day. I never got to experience that. I was never close to my mother or half-sisters and my cousins were scattered all over. I always felt like I missed out on that. I am so grateful that my daughters have those best friends.

I guess that is enough of my pity party. I will be okay.

I just need to focus on what is best for me, for my family, and for this relationship I am in.

I need to remember who I am, what I have been through, and how far I have come.

I need to remember the best parts of me and my creativity.

I need to remember to continue living and walking in my truth.

I need to remember that I am doing things for myself and no one else.

I need to follow my path and continue to walk in my own shoes.

That is all that matters.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne