Boundaries – When lines blur.
It is a Sunday morning.
After an early start of taking my son to work, then stopping by to grab some breakfast and coffee, I decided to rehash thoughts about an incident yesterday. Trying to decide where do I go from here.
I have written previously about the toxic environment that I grew up in, the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother’s husband, and the strained relationship with my mother as the result.
I previously cut them completely out of my life and then circumstances changed. I reincorporated them back into my life because I needed help. There was no one else that I could turn to. After yesterday’s incident, I now know I made a mistake.
Yesterday, Saturday morning, we left early to run a few errands before taking my son to work. The first stop was to go by the apartment complex office to check the mail. Then we headed off to the store. We had only been gone for about 25 minutes.
Then we got a phone call from my youngest daughter. She lives across the country and is 2 hours behind us on time. She had been awakened by my mother, her grandmother, with a phone call. In this phone call, my mother told my daughter she had not heard from us for over a week. That was a fabrication, a lie.
I had spoken to my mother the previous week on Wednesday to ask how she was doing. She had an accident last month and broke her wrist. She had told me the week before that she had her doctor’s appointment on Tuesday so I called to do follow-up. Then I got 3 phone calls and 3 voicemails from her late Friday night plus a text. Once again, her husband had to replace yet another phone. She wanted me to come by on Saturday morning and fix it for them, again.
I was in bed and trying to sleep when she sent all these messages. I texted her back and told her, no, that I was not going to be there.
As a sidenote, I had already fixed this issue for them over 6 times from last summer until now. Her husband has replaced 4 phones so far. I was not going to fix her phone issues again and I suggested that she call her other daughters or maybe her grandsons. I assume that response back was not acceptable to her and she got angry. This is what precipitated her actions the following morning.
I was busy Saturday with taking my son to work, running errands, had homework to be done and a class zoom meeting on Saturday at noon. I did not have any time and there were others she could ask for help from, I am not the only one.
In this phone call to my daughter, she stated that they had come by my apartment, saw my car was not there, so they banged on the door but no one answered. Then she made up a story that she thought that maybe we had been kidnapped and told this to my apartment manager plus my daughter. She told my daughter the apartment manager was going to call the police and do a wellness check. When my daughter called, she laughed because it was ridiculous, and my daughter had just spoken to us the night before so she called to let us know what her grandmother told her.
I texted my apartment manager and told her we were fine. The apartment manager assured us she had not called the police. I am certain she saw my son when he went in to check the mail. Everything was okay.
In those moments of frustration afterwards, I realized that my mother is still trying to control me. She got mad because I would not do what she wanted then decided to try and embarrass or make trouble for me. It was all out of spite and that’s all it was about. She did not get her way and she got mad.
There was so many questions between me and my son. First, why would you bang on the door if the car was not there? Would that not mean that I was not at home? Second, why didn’t she call my son, the person who lives with me, instead of one of my kids, who live on the other side of the country, and calling them before 8 am? Lastly, why did she make up such a ridiculous story about us being kidnapped then try to involve the police and my apartment manager? So many unanswered questions.
After I talked with my daughter and texted my apartment manager, I called my mother. I said, “You called and were trying to get ahold of me?” She said “Well, you never called me back!”. That is when I informed her that I had been asleep and was looking at the text message I sent her Friday night which she never responded to. I could hear her husband arguing at her in the background, I heard him say, “Is she going to fix my fucking phone or not!” I said, “Tell him, no.” Then there was a long pause and she said, “Oh”, after she realized there was a text message, she did not say anything further and just hung up.
She called back later that evening, my nephew was there trying to fix the phone, and she was asking me what her husband’s iCloud password was. I told her I had no idea, that was done by the store where she bought it, that all the other login and passwords were in the notebook she had made each time I fixed their phones. She got mad and hung up again.
I made such an error in judgment, first in relying on them for help, knowing full well that I would “Owe her” much more in exchange. That is just how she has always treated me. Second, I blindly believed that she was actually starting to care about me. She never did, never will, and only pretends to, in order to get what she wants, she is manipulative. I was never important in her life and it needs to stay that way. I just need to let this go.
The boundaries that I set up so many years ago, the lines have been blurred by my desire to fix it. The desire to be at peace with them. I honestly hoped that by now, at the age of almost 52, that I would have a good relationship with my mother and her family. I tried, over and over again, only to keep being disappointed or hurt by it.
Honestly, I am okay with letting it all go. I have spent the last few months working on my anxiety and depression. I developed a morning routine consisting of stretching, meditation, prayer, and positive affirmations. It has helped me become much calmer than before. Things do not get my anxiety up and I am better at breathing and reasoning through it. My thoughts are much clearer and my focus is better.
I will walk away again, close and lock that door. There is no longer a desire to fix something that is permanently broken. I just need to focus on my own family and my online relationship from this point forward.
I cannot keep subjecting myself to abuse by my mother.
I have worked too hard and too long to keep letting these things interfere with my life, my thoughts, and my emotions.
As my children and my online relationship keep telling me, “It is the other person’s loss, not yours”.
Thank you so much for stopping by and supporting this blog.
Have a wonderful week ahead!
Peace, love, happiness, and best wishes, always!