Random Musings, Well being

It is not just anger.

It is not just anger.


1:17 pm

It has been an anxiety-filled couple of weeks, all stemming from the incident with my mother.

As a person who was diagnosed with PTSD, major depressive disorder, and anxiety almost 10 years ago, I am still dealing with my behaviors and reactions to things.  This is not just a one-and-done kind of thing; it will take a while to undo decades of emotional trauma from abuse.  I am as you might say “Still a work in progress”.

The anxiety has caused some tense moments in the interactions with my relationship but he has been a very patient man, understanding, and caring, more than I deserve but I appreciate him so very much.

This morning was more of the same. 

After I calmed down, worked through the thoughts, and texted him how I felt about myself and this relationship, also my appreciation for him, I went back to sleep.  I slept on and off most of the morning.

The anxiety has also affected my sleep and I have been lying awake until around 4 in the morning for the past few days.  That first week after the incident, all I did was sleep and was so drowsy, I could not stay awake.  I know all of this is a response to trauma. It has happened before.

Then after I woke up this morning and as I was getting ready for the day, I was scrolling through Instagram and saw this post.

Pic from Instagram account Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life https://instagram.com/peacefulmindpeacefullife?igshid+YmMyMTA2M2Y

That is when everything clicked. I realized that the emotions and feelings that I had been experiencing the past few weeks were a form of grief mixed with anger.

I went through this same process when I was going through my divorce.  Back then, in 2014, the therapist told me that I was mourning the death of my marriage and that is exactly what it felt like. It felt like someone had died and I could not shake it. Those feelings were interrupting my sleep and my job.  The counselor stated that my mind was trying to comprehend and move through the emotions of loss.  The loss of something that I had valued greatly, being married. 

Getting married had been a part of my goals since I was a kid.  I wanted to have a long marriage like my grandparents.  They had been married 52 years before my grandpa passed away.  I wanted to be married, have kids, watch them go off to college, and then spend the rest of my life with my husband traveling.  It was an idyllic vision that I had for myself and the future despite all the trauma I had been put through. It was those ideas and goals that kept me moving forward.

This morning I spent time working through the thoughts. The fact that I have tried my whole life to form a meaningful relationship with my mother. To do anything to get her to love me and show me the same mutual respect as my half-sisters. 

Always trying to feel validated and that I mattered to her.  It was this hopeful and misguided dream that I had with each passing year, especially around my birthday which is in a few weeks, that she would just one day treat me better.  

The hope was always she was just not acting as if she cared. That it truly meant something and not just a tactic to get me to do something for her in return. A way to continue using me.

It has been a part of me, this hope, my entire life.  I envied those that I saw who got along with their mothers and were friends. The reality is that this one thing will never happen and it’s time to let it go.  This is what has been causing these feelings of loss, grief, sadness, and anger. The loss of hope in a person. It is not easy to just walk away.  It is not easy to say that I hate her. It is not easy to just turn the other cheek anymore. It is not easy to turn my back on someone.

The only thing that is even more “not easy” is to keep running into that same wall over and over again, hoping for a different result, and knowing that the wall just kept getting bigger. It was not my choice to be born to her but it was her choice to treat me the way she has.  To never protect, care, or love me.

Now that I have recognized what these feelings are and how to deal with them, I can continue to move on.  I can move through the emotions and regain focus on what I need for my life going forward.

I felt better after my chat this morning and I am still hopeful for what the future may bring.

All I can do now is keep the momentum going and keep pushing myself to be better.

In time the feeling of loss, grief, sadness, and anger will subside, it always does.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!


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