April 17, 2023
Morning came again.
The headache finally subsided and I was able to get at least 4 hours of sleep.
Yesterday was a mess and it was all attributable to me, my anxiety and my reactions.
I truly regret the hurt that it caused and I will have to carry that with me always.
I will have to continue moving forward, alone. The one thing that I did not want but it could not be reconciled. He did not respond to any of my messages.
I was in such pain and hurt yesterday that I almost wiped out everything that I had been working on and creating the last 7 years.
Thankfully I was able to recover my blog and other accounts but my heart will be a different story.
When I met this person, I was waiting for someone special that would capture my heart and imagination, and he did.
His words of love, encouragement, compassion, and friendship were all the things that I was looking for in a person. I truly fell in love with him. I was envisioning this wonderful future together.
Then my insecurities, self-doubts, and anxieties got the better of me the last few weeks and I let it affect my relationship with him. I wasn’t the person that I know I can be. I so regret my actions and words.
I had some small hope yesterday that the relationship could be recovered because he blocked me on everything but had not deleted his accounts but by this morning, there were no responses. I have to face the fact that I messed everything up. That I ended our relationship because of my insecurities. I let my own flaws get out of control and I hurt him with my words.
I know from experience that words hurt more than any physical pain could ever cause. I have lived my life that way. Maybe that’s the lesson the universe is trying to teach me in this moment. That I not only need to mind my thoughts but also the words that I choose.
I just wish that I could have learned that lesson a different way and not by losing the person that I love. The person that I want to be with.
The hardest lessons we have to learn usually require some sort of understanding of who we are at our core beliefs. It sometimes requires heartbreak.
I do not know where I go after this. This was not in my plans. I spent several years waiting for him to return and the last year getting to know him. I thought he would be with me going forward.
I am at a loss this morning and my heart is heavy but I will be okay. Weepy and sad but okay.
I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.
It’s all that I can do.
Thank you so much for stopping by and supporting my blog.
It is greatly appreciated.
Have a great week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!