Above 200

Above 200.

May 10, 2023

10:38 pm

217

That is what the scale said this morning after I got out of the shower. I felt somewhat defeated but also know that I can only blame myself.

I have not exercised in over a year. I stopped managing my calorie counts and serving sizes last summer. I also stopped eating healthier and have been eating fast food for months now. It just seemed easier with my school, therapy, and son’s work schedule plus family events. I knew there was going to be a price to pay for being complacent. I kept telling myself “I will start tomorrow.”, that was months ago too.

The progress I made by mid-last year, a loss of 30 lbs., is gone. I am still under the weight I originally started at, back then, but not by much. I have to start all over again. It is way better than it was 10 years ago when I almost hit 300 pounds, I was just under that by 22 pounds, and that’s when I got the most scared.

243

That is what the blood glucose levels were when I tested this morning. High and a little scary. My blood sugar levels are never that high. The price is steep and I need to get it under control before it starts affecting more than just my ego and pride. I refuse to end up like most of my relatives and family members. It is the reason I stopped smoking, drinking, and eating red meat. I had also stopped eating processed and frozen foods. I did not want to have heart disease and diabetes before I was 40 years old and then have stents put in by the time I was 50.

Motivation

It is an endless, vicious cycle for me. My weight goes up and goes down but when I step back, I know that I can control it. I can make the changes necessary to lose weight and become healthier. The problem is motivation. I can maintain it only so long then I get frustrated and give up.

It is self-motivation that is bogged down by thoughts of who I am and how I perceive others to view me as a person. It is the thoughts of “Why do I care because nobody else cares” that go through my mind when I get to that point of giving up. I know it is depression and anxiety. I know that I can control those thoughts as well.

Perspective

As I sit here writing this, all these doubts go through my mind. I know they are unreasonable and due to overreaction. At its core, the thought that “I am worthless” is there. I have to stop myself from going down that path of thinking and regain focus. I will sit and think of all the positive things that are in my life.

I have the basic needs of a home, bills paid, a car, an income, and food in the cabinets. The intangibles are my family loves me, I am creative, I am caring, I am compassionate, I do my best every day and I am driven to succeed. The tangibles are the things in my home that make me comfortable and happy. I also have all these awards, accolades, certificates, and degrees that show my accomplishments.

Initiative

I started writing this 2 days ago when I started taking the actions needed to better my overall health.

The first step is to change the diet and get it back on track where I was almost a year ago. I began by drinking a lot more water than before and cutting out sweets on the first day. No fast food, no snacks, only vegetables, and protein. I saw an immediate effect by way of the headache that started by mid-morning. I had a cup of coffee later in the day and it helped. As of this morning, May 12^th, I do not have a headache and feel pretty good. I am a little tired though. I know adding more protein to my diet will help me get through this first part.

The first time I attempted this, cutting out sugar and all the junk, I was miserable. I had a massive headache during that time, which lasted 10 days until my son gave me some fruit popsicles, that little bit of sugar helped tremendously. I started using a sugar substitute instead to help wean myself off of the white table sugar and eventually sugar altogether. Everything that I have read on sugar substitutes said long-term use is not a good idea and so have my children who have science degrees.

Sugar is addictive. I think cutting this out has been much harder than when I quit smoking. I got up to a two-pack-a-day habit before I quit and I smoked for almost 25 years. I started sneaking cigarettes when I was twelve and it developed into a full smoking habit by the time I was 19.

The second step to changing my physical health was to start my fitness app again to track my eating habits and keep my carbohydrate count under control. I know from previously that it also helps me see what is causing the spikes in the sugar to be high. I am trying to stick to a basic vegetable, seeds, grains, and protein eating plan. Once I start dropping weight and get at least 10 pounds off, then I can start incorporating some fruits and berries back into my diet.

Intention

To make the changes I want for my overall well-being, exercise will have to become a habit. Now that I have limitations because of the arm, it is even more important to keep myself physically fit. I will not be able to lift weights like I was doing so long ago but I can still get into shape with some small changes, such as walking.

I went for a walk on Sunday, May 7^th, to gauge where I am physically. I realized during my daughter’s visit last week that I am so out of shape. During that walk, I felt good, a little winded but managed to complete a 2.5-mile walk within the same timeframe as I did last summer. According to my walking apps, I managed to maintain the same pace as previously. That was a positive for me because I thought it would be much slower. I have not been walking and I chose one of the hottest days this past week to attempt it.

My morning routine has been put on hold for almost two weeks now. The last time I logged anything about my daily practice was April 30^th. I have not been meditating or doing my positive affirmations. I was busy trying to catch up on homework and get most of it done. This was also during my daughter’s visit every day. I completed everything except a couple of modules and started our new course this past Monday.

I will be starting the meditation and positive affirmation routine again today. It helped with the anxious thoughts in the morning and started the day off in a much better way.

Accountability

This whole writing boils down to accountability and habit. I have managed to break some bad habits over my lifetime but developing a good habit is hard for me. It is affected by my thoughts and feelings most of the time.

If I am not in a good mood, mentally, then nothing will happen. I can work hard to talk myself into doing something but it does not always result in action.

There are always good ideas and I can develop a good plan to accomplish them but in reality, my mind is cluttered with thoughts and ideas that do not always come to fruition.

It is in these moments that I am only accountable to myself for not getting things done and for not doing what I need to do to be a healthy person both in body and mind.

I know this and have known this for a very long time.

I knew this every time my weight would balloon up and it put my health at risk.

I know this every time my mental state is struggling.

I knew this every time I was unhappy in my relationship with other people.

I have always envied those people that make it seem so easy to do. They make exercise seem so effortless and it seems just natural but in my reality, I struggle to just get out of bed most days. I struggle to develop and maintain good habits but that does not mean that I have given up.

I will set my plan again, and do what I need to do.

Will I be successful? Maybe this time it will stick because I know what is at stake if I do not make the changes and make it a daily habit. I know the kind of life that I want as I move forward and it requires me to be in much better shape both physically and mentally.

The next goals I set for myself are about my life, how I want to live, and becoming the person that I know I am.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a fabulous week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne

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Links to fitness apps that I use. I use the free versions.