“Not beautiful enough”

May 8, 2023

4:45 am

“You’re not beautiful enough”

Those are the words that go through my thoughts on mornings like today.

It was the hurtful words from my ex-husband. He would say it to me to break me down emotionally, when his life was shit, and mine was going well. It was petty, bullying, and it did hurt. It also stuck with me. I have tried hard to ignore it but it’s still there.

It’s the same words that I hear when people blow me off and ignore me. I have heard it a lot the past 7 years.

It is the words I heard this morning when I woke up to check my phone and see if I had any messages. There were none. Disappointed yet once again. Yesterday morning I got a text after being ignored for three days of worrying about him. It was brief and he said he would call but he never did, I waited.

The person that I thought I was going to be with the rest of my life just disappeared. Ignored and left alone in the dark, again after almost a year of talking to one another. After 6 years of him pursuing me on and off. I still don’t understand why? Maybe it was just something to do when he was bored with his life. I have been that person to others before. It is hurtful, disrespectful, and uncalled for. People are terrible sometimes.

I do not like being treated that way. I won’t be treated that way.

I unfollowed him, blocked him on everything. My heart is heavy this morning but I’ll be okay

I’m always okay, just okay, but never great.

I am a pretty simple person when it comes to relationships. I’m honest and truthful. I say what I need to say and I don’t sugarcoat anything. I’m blunt and to the point. I tell you exactly how I’m feeling and expect honesty, integrity in return. I guess that’s too much to ask for because none of the relationships I’ve attempted have lasted.

The men that I have met always told me that they liked that about me but I guess in the end they preferred someone else. My expectations were too much to live up to. I just wanted to be loved.

As I sit here writing this, crying alone in the dark, I feel empty inside. Tired of being treated like I am nothing, not important, and easily forgotten.

Just “not beautiful enough” to be adored, appreciated, and loved unconditionally. The only thing I have never achieved. The one thing that was never meant for me. The only thing that I ever wanted. Universe, I got the message loud and clear. I will let it go now.

I made a promise to myself, when I was standing there that one day in January over 8 years ago, before the judge that dissolved my marriage, that I would only give so much time in finding a relationship. I tried with an honest and open heart but it never worked.

So, I am done. I learned my lesson and I will move on, alone. It is too much and I wasted too much of my love, care, and myself giving that part of me to others. It isn’t worth it to me anymore.

The only people that will continue to have that are my children. They are the only people that matter to me.

It is just another day.

I will get up, do what I need to do, and continue existing.

My tears will dry, my heart will eventually mend enough, and I will continue being me.

It’s all that I can do.

Thank you for stopping by.

Have a great week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always.

Suzanne