What’s a chapter of your life you’d title “The Hard Years” — and what got you through it?
July 17, 2026
3:15 am
It was a point in time that was the hardest as well as the period in my life of the most growth. A 17 marriage full of love and happiness for my kids while being emotionally abused by my husband. Then the 12 years post separation, divorce, and his death.
I had to learn how or try to manage all of it but didn’t do very well mentally and physically.
In the midst of all of this time I accomplished a military retirement, several side businesses, community volunteering, and almost a dual bachelors degree, I have 12 hours left to complete. This was my biggest challenge, trying to have it all as a mom and wife. I pushed myself every exhausting day.
Shortly after my military retirement my life imploded. The real ugly version of not only my husband but that of my own family; parents and siblings all came out. I was no longer under this perceived protection of my military service. The emotional abuse came to a head one evening.
I was in the middle of my first semester of finally attending my university of choice after years of completing my associates degree requirements on and off. I was finally pursuing the last credits for not just a bachelor’s degree but a dual bachelor’s degree with dual minors and a pre-law option.
I was doing very well and had one won a scholarship for some of my expenses. I was involved in an entrepreneurial student organization and was preparing for pitch contest for a new business concept. It was a Thursday afternoon the day before the competition. I had to have business attire for the competition and had gone to an organization called Dress for Success after my last class. It was before I had to pick up my kids from school. I had confirmed with my husband at that time about my schedule. The time was going to be tight for picking up the kids and he said he would see me at home.
I finished getting my suit and headed off to pick up the children. I had 3 different pick up sites and 3 different times to meet.
I got to the first school, waited, and my son never came out. I started to panic, calls to my husband went unanswered. I went into the school, they looked for my son, announced over the intercom but he never showed. Finally, a kid came up that knew him saying his dad had picked him up. I tried to call him again but still no answer.
I left to go to the next school site for my daughter. The same occurred and then again at the last pick up, what should have been a 45 minute routine turned into a 2 hour ordeal with my husband never answering the phone calls or texts. I went home twice and they were not there. My anxiety started to rise and I was starting to have a panic attack because I did not know what was going on.
After driving all over looking for them, I went home again and they were finally home. He had taken them to get fast food. The kids were okay and did not know what had happened. They were busy in their rooms doing after school stuff and homework.
When I walked in my husband was sitting at his computer desk and I was standing there holding my school and shopping bags when I asked him “Why?” He just looked at me smugly and laughed “Oh, I forgot to tell you that I was going to pick them up.” I did not know what to say. I stood there watching him turn away and back to his computer game. He didn’t say anything else.
I went off to my bedroom to change. I was so upset and didn’t want my kids to see me that way. Their laughter and talking assured me they were okay in their rooms.
I was walking into my bedroom, it was dark already, I was emotionally exhausted and feeling overwhelmed by everything that happened. I had just sat my bags on the bed when the door closed behind me, it was him. He came up to me, stood close to my face, and said “Your not that special and there’s no one to protect you anymore, every day will be like this if don’t do what your told to do.” Then he poked me in the chest and laughed before walking out. He shut the door and the room was dark. It was the first time he ever physically pushed me and threatened me in the 16 years of marriage.
That moment, broke me mentally. I could imagine it getting much worse. It was the first night of being hospitalized for my mental health due to the suicide attempt that occurred afterwards. I don’t remember going to our bathroom, breaking apart the razor, and making the first attempted cut. I do remember the heavy feeling of grief, sadness, anger, and feeling lost. It was a blur through the tears but I remember the voice telling me to get up, get out, and get help.
I don’t remember leaving the house and driving to the emergency room or asking for help. I do remember the police officer posted outside the room with the observation window then being handcuffed and being placed in the police car. I was transferred to a mental health care facility. I remember the sound of the tires on the pavement, the orange glow of the freeway lights, as I watched the road passing by. I was in and out after the medication they gave me for the anxiety. I remember the police officer talking to me and saying “It’s going to be okay”.
I was gone for over 4 hours before my husband was finally called. He had not realized that I was missing. Then he got angry. I remember the nurse at the care facility asking me if I wanted to talk to him, I said “Okay”. As soon as I got on the phone he told me “I was stupid” and said “What were you thinking!”. I put the phone down and the nurse picked it back up. I guess he argued with her because I remember her saying “We cannot make her talk to you, you can call back in the morning.” She hung up the phone then took me to shower, change clothes, and be fed before my first assessment with the psychiatrist.
I wrote about that experience in the blog articles before but unpublished them. Once I felt I was ready and thought I had moved past it.
Then at the beginning of this month all of it came up in my subconscious. I was irritable, weepy, frustrated, and anxious. I could not place a reason for all of it. Then, July 5th, it hit me, that was the date of the first date I had with my ex-husband, 29 years ago. I don’t know why all of that came up. It affected my interactions with others, especially the online person I talk to. It has been a long time since I thought about that and realized it was time to let it go. Let go of the the hurt and pain associated with that part of my life. It has no place in the here and now.
I should no longer say it was “okay” because it wasn’t. I struggled, mentally, emotionally, and physically that whole period of my life. When the depression diagnosis came, he stated that he knew and just figured I would get over it. He knew, saw me struggling, and never offered any care or help to me. Instead he made demands, financially bankrupted me, and tried to stop my progression forward. That’s when I had to turn everything inward, find my own light, and save myself.
After the realization that I was still holding onto it, I spoke out loud to the Universe and said “I release you and I hope you found peace.” I have slept better since then, the anxiety has lessened, and it feels like a weight has lifted from me.
The second part of the prompt today asked “What got you through it?”.
I did.
I kept my hope, faith, and belief alive. I may have wavered a few times but I came back stronger with each obstacle put in front of me, with each harsh word, and with each attempt to silence me.
I began believing in myself more and chose who I wanted in my life going forward. I made a plan for my future and kept going.
Today, I apologized to my online person for my recent overreaction and we talked. He seems to understand why and still gently encourages me to keep going. I feel bad for seemingly putting him through this over, and over again. I will always try to do better and keep his feelings in mind, this is why I apologize.
If this had been 15 years ago, before the breakdown, I would have just walked away. I was obstinate, stubborn, and ego driven. All masks to hide what I was really going through. I hid it very well from everyone around me. Now, I am not afraid to speak up, say how I feel, and also say “no” when I need to.
I have done a complete180.
The focus now is my life moving forward as a retiree, staying healthy, being creative, and feeling happy. I am content, calm, and at peace.
I still have my moments of anxiety, depression, and feeling blue but it is more manageable now than before. Lots of counseling and therapy helped.
As a 55-year old, retired, empty nester, and veteran, It was a long hard road to get here.
Do I wish things would have been easier? Yes, of course I do, who wouldn’t?
Would I have done anything differently? Yes, I would have made better choices about who was going to stay in my life sooner and said “No” more often. I would not have changed my personal goals or plans though. That is what helped keep me focused and moving forward.
Every day we wake up and we have a choice.
Is it a good day or a bad day? What can I do to make it manageable?
Our attitude and how we carry ourselves is the most important first thought of the day.
There are those out there living seemingly uneventful lives but inside it is a struggle to just get up in the morning. Then there are those out there whose lives are turned upside down due to serious struggles, politically, socially, mentally, physically, emotionally, environmentally, and various other events that unfold every day. We still have a choice on how we face it.
The biggest choice we make is to not lose hope, keep your faith, and believe not only in yourself but in the goodness in the world that is still there.
Thank you for taking the time to stop by, read this blog, and visit me.
Have a wonderful week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 