Anchors – Things that weigh us down.
7/7/2026
9:46 pm
It is July 7th and a few days ago the United States celebrated its 250th birthday of becoming a nation. As an indigenous person, it is not a day that I celebrate for obvious reasons but that is a topic for later.
I was already in a down sort of mood and I was not sure why.
My online person hasn’t texted since last Thursday but I know he is busy with work and other obligations. Previously, I would get anxious about not hearing from him but after 4 years of talking to each other weekly, sometimes daily, I have no real reason to believe he is not serious about this relationship. It was still a splinter of a thought in the back of my mind though.
A few weeks ago, I was having some really high anxiety and felt like I was spiraling down into a depression. It got to the point where I deactivated all my social media and also my new YouTube channel. I had told him to leave if he wanted because I had not heard from him for a few days. I was on the verge of shutting down my blog, I even briefly wrote a blog post stating that I was leaving. Before I could shut everything down, he called me to find out what was going on. We talked about everything and he encouraged me to reactivate my accounts and start my YouTube channel over again. I removed the post I made here and I moved on.
That feeling was still there though just underneath the surface and still bubbling up.
I have been this way for about three weeks now and then everything came up on Sunday, the 5th of July and continued until this afternoon.
I was overreacting and anxious, sending him several emails, and many text messages. Then deleting them, over apologizing, and feeling erratic, almost chaotic. I had it in the back of my mind that he had left without saying anything. This continual thought was overtaking rational and logical thinking in spite of the fact that his account is still active, our last conversation went fine, and he told me that he loved me calling me his wife to be. There is no evidence that anything has changed between us.
Today, after coming back from the grocery store, I was standing in my bedroom when thoughts of my ex-husband came to me again, it happened this morning after I woke up..
The thing that has been holding my heart and trust down for 29 years now and the realization what it was. July 5th was the first date with my ex-husband. Three weeks later on July 26th is when he had asked me to marry him. We got married October 17, 1997. We were married for 17 years, 2 months, and 23 days before the divorce was finalized on January 9th, 2015. Exactly 1 year, 7 months, and 3 days later on August 12th, 2016, he passed away. He will be gone 10 years exactly this year. All of that time was bundled up into the emotions that I was feeling and holding on to.
All of that time spent with one person and silently grieving it all these years is what I have been feeling. Not just the grief at the ending of that marriage and the loss of the father of my children but also not having answers to his years of infidelity which I found out about after his death. Then there is the years of emotional abuse by him. The sense of betrayal that has never been atoned. There has never been any answers, no apologies, and no closure to that loop. It has been the anchor holding me down from fully trusting others afterwards to include my person.
This online relationship has been my only relationship in the last ten years and only the second longest one I have ever had next to my previous marriage. The next longest relationship was before I got married and lasted for a full year and 3 months before we broke up. I had rejoined the military to finish my career. That person did not approve and was mad because I did not discuss it with him or get permission. That ending did not go well.
I told my son today, I have never been this type of person who dates many different kinds of people. When I found someone that I liked, I stuck with them until they left or I had to.
Once I stated everything to my online person in these exceedingly long texts about what I was thinking and why I was feeling so out of sorts the last few days, that anxiety lifted. He has not seen or responded to them yet. I know in previous interactions when I talked about my marriage and divorce experience, he understood why I was feeling overwhelmed sometimes. We would talk it through and he would reassure me that he wasn’t going anywhere.
I had to speak it out into the universe that I forgave my ex-husband and released him to move on in peace. It was not only the right thing to do for my own peace of mind but to restore harmony to my family. The thing I feel has been missing lately. The 10 year anniversary without their father is weighing heavily on everyone and I can feel it in every conversation, text, chat, and zoom call.
I also realized today that is has been almost 5 years since the last time I even thought about all of that and openly talked about how that whole experience affected me with anyone else beside a therapist or psychologist. It was time to finally let it go.
29 years ago my life path took a different direction and the best thing that came out of it was my children and completing my lifelong goal to be the first retired military woman in my family. I would not change that. I am who I am today because of that experience.
We grow with every experience into who we are supposed to be. That is what life is about.
Will I have days of anxiety and sometimes doom or gloom? Yes, because I still have major depressive disorder but it is more manageable now than before. I recognize those signs when I may be spiraling down into a deep depression and head them off.
I take stock of how my days have been going and how well I am taking care of myself. Making sure that I eat regular meals, get enough water, walk, and get enough sleep. My online person asks these questions too and checks in with me to make sure I am okay. I appreciate him greatly for that.
I find things to occupy my thoughts and keep me busy. It could be writing a blog post, posting a video to YouTube of a completed project, or even sharing positive images or messages on Instagram.
There are days when I am just not in the mood to be creative or I’m struggling with it due to my arm and hand limitations. Those days I watch movies, read or listen to books, listen to music, plan out projects, and nap during the day.
I have learned over time how to deal with the mental health struggles while ensuring that I do not go down that dark path again. I make my overall mental well-being a priority in my everyday life.
It is not until we meet a difficult moment in our life that we have to see everything that affects us. Stepping back to take a wider view of where we are and whether it is the best position to be in. To find those anchors weighing us down and cut them loose to keep moving.
I finally had to let go of the last anchor from my previous life as a wife and daughter. I had to let go of the notion that I could explain what happened to us as a married couple as well as the idea that my own parents and siblings actually cared about me, who have not spoken to me in 3 years. I have to let it all go and embrace the life I have now.
A life of peace, calm, stability, safety, hope, faith, belief, creativity, and love. All the things I never had before. The life I worked hard to accomplish and that will sustain me the rest of my days. That was always the end goal.
Thank you for taking the time to stop by and support this blog.
Have a wonderful week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!
Suzanne
love to bake 