6/3/2026
2:31 am
It is yet again one of those random nights of sleep interruptions.
Taking a nap at 4:30 pm the day before did not help and I slept 5 hours. My normal sleep average is around 6 to 6 1/2 hours. The build up of sleeping up to 7 hours did not last long. My sleep is still uninterrupted all the way through but is still not set yet.
It has been raining on and off here for almost two weeks now which makes me tired.
This tiredness causes my anxiety to go up and sometimes also causes binge eating. I have been snacking too much lately. Yesterday, I ate a candy bar, my first one in over 5 years. It was too sweet and made me feel gross.
It is most likely me coming out of the seasonal depression that started at the end of August and normally lasts until about March. Our spring season has been different this year, unusually cool and it just finally started warming up in May. In previous years it would already be hot and humid by now with our severe weather starting. We have only had a few thunderstorms and today it finally got up past 80.
The overwhelming anxiety also caused me to overreact to things such as not talking to my person which I wrote about in my last blog post. The mind overthinking the time lapse between conversations. I sent him an email, was upset, deactivated all of my social media posts, and was ready to walk away. I sat in silence, deep breathing, and thinking about everything, breaking down the timeline of events logically, then I went back to apologize. I reactivated all my social media, calmed down finally, and I am fine. All this before he has even seen the posts and emails yet. He always comes back and says he understands how I feel. He apologizes for not being there in those moments to talk to me.
I personally am glad he is not there because I have to work through those thoughts and no one else can help me with that. I have to use all the tools and techniques that I learned in 13 years of therapy. That was the whole purpose of going and facing my major depression, trauma, anxiety, and overcoming my self-destructive behaviors. The whole reason I refuse to be on mood altering medications. I want to be able to feel everything and deal with it.
I am fearful though that one day he is just going to go because he has had enough. He tells me that won’t happen because he loves me. I love him too. I want this to work and have been willing to learn how to be patient with it. I know this logically but the anxiety filled part of my mind overthinks and my heart gets emotional over it. This is probably also another reason for the tiredness.
As I sit here, catching up on my writing projects, watching television, and planning, I also did an online IQ test. I was curious as to what it would show since I have never done one before. I like the test I found because it broke down my strengths based on the way I answered the questions plus gave tips on how to maintain them.
Looking at my scores and seeing it explains why I have always been told that “no one thinks like you.” Whether it was in school, workplaces, friendships, relationships, and even my own family, those words always caused issues within me.
I always assumed it was derogatory or someone trying to put me down. I now see that, no, others saw it, and I just never understood. I do think differently and it is what causes the frustration of thinking no one understands me or that they just do not care.
Couple the misunderstanding with growing up in a toxic home environment with abusive people and it explains my anxiety that was created over time.
My online person finds it funny that I thought everyone could do multiple things at once and I have heard the same from my own kids. He has not even met me in person and he already knew there was something different about me from just our phone conversations and messaging.
So what do I do with this new found knowledge? You would think that I would be happy but there is that tiny part of my mind that is replaying all of the junk that I have been through my whole life. Replaying all those misunderstanding, arguments, break ups, job losses, and me walking away.
I thought that I was too broken to be loved or cared for.
This explains why my focus has always been on the “big picture” and all the moving parts to achieve whatever goals or plans that I set. Also, why I would get frustrated with others not being able to “see it” too. I always assumed they were just trying to hinder me from things.
There is a caveat though, some were just “users” of people and I eventually saw it. I then ended those connections for my own sake.
The things we learn at 3 in the morning. Self reflection, introspection, and sometimes, wishful thinking.
I am finally getting sleepy again.
I wanted to complete at least three writing this week and I have.
Time for me to shut down this computer, put on my pj’s, and try to sleep again.
All the thoughts have been thrown out into the internet void.
Thank you for stopping by.
Have a fabulous week!
Peace, love, happiness, and good sleep to you!
Suzanne
love to bake 